10 weeks...

Back when I was pregnant with Avery, 10 weeks felt like an eternity; a quarter of my pregnancy gone but many more weeks to follow.  I have always been inpatient.  When I want something, I want it now.  I don’t want to wait.  40 weeks of pregnancy is a long time for someone inpatient, especially when you find out your pregnant at 5 weeks.

During my pregnancy, I was soooo inpatient, wanting so badly for June to arrive so that I could spend the rest of my life with my little girl, with our new family.  I was excited for the changes in my life.  I was excited for her.  I had so many plans, dreams, and hopes for her, for our family.  Now what?!?!  This was not what I planned!  I should be parenting an 11 week old, dreading the end of my maternity leave, sleep deprived but so incredibly happy to have my beautiful baby girl.

I am 10 weeks post loss and in some ways it does feel like an eternity but most days; I feel like it was just yesterday.  I feel like I am in just as dark a place as I was Tuesday, June 12^th when my world came crashing down.

10 weeks without her and I am….

·         Still crying, A LOT, like multiple times a day;

·         Still really, really sad;

·         Still trying to understand;

·         Still angry, probably more angry and bitter than I was in the first days following her passing;

·         Still questioning why;

·         Still adamantly believing the world/life is NOT FAIR;

·         Still not back to work full-time (thank God for an amazing boss, co-workers and the ability to work from home);

·         Still not able to focus on much of anything for more than 10 minutes, unless it’s her;

·         Still not able to get out of bed sometimes;

·         Still sleeping with her blanket and jammies that she wore her last night;

·         Still not grocery shopping or cooking at home;

·         Still barely keeping up with the smallest housekeeping items;

·         Still just lost and missing her.

Sometimes I feel like my period of deep grief has expired in other people’s eyes, like I should be over it already and back to “normal.”  Truth is…that will never happen.  I will never be back to the positive, naïve, twenty-something that I was before she came into my life and changed me forever.  And I really don’t want to be that girl again.  I choose to believe that she was here for a reason.  I don’t know what that reason is yet but I do know she changed me from the moment I found out she was coming.  I don’t know who I am now, or who I am going to be but I am OK with that right now.

Right now, I am just focused on getting through each day.  Right now, a good day is a day I can get out of bed, get dressed, maybe even do my hair and put a little make-up on and do at least 1 productive thing in a day and maybe even go to work for a little bit. 

Over the past two and a half months, I have been journaling.  I feel like it helps.  It helps me get the thoughts in my head out and organized.  I feel like it helps me process what I am feeling better than keeping it all in.  However, I don’t write anything by hand often and have never had good penmanship so when I try to go back a re-read something I wrote, most times, it’s hard to decipher.   I decided to start this blog as a way to journal electronically, hopefully I will be able to revisit my posts and actually read what I have written.  I’ve been reading so many baby loss blogs and it seems to help so many, so I figured I would give it a try. 

I don’t expect to have any followers, I am not even sure I am going to willingly share this blog with family and friends.  My hope with this blog is that I can begin to process what I am feeling and if anyone does stumble across my ramblings, I hope that maybe they can find something useful in this.

To anyone who actually reads this, I don’t claim to be an English scholar or a writer.  This is just what’s floating in my head on any given day.