No escape

Since when is every TV show, news story or commercial about babies and/or families?  I mean seriously, can I get a freaking break?!? 

I really like to try to escape from my own head, from this hell that is now my reality.  Through the summer, my husband and I probably watched a million stupid movies nobody has ever heard of.  We’ve pretty much rented every movie at Red Box that doesn’t look like it would trigger anything.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little stronger so we have attempted some TV shows, this has mostly been an epic fail.  We’ve never watched Modern Family but gave it a try-ended up crying because we will never get to drop Avery off at college.  Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, shows I’ve watched for a while, I’ve now deleted from my DVR-too much death.  This week, my husband and I started Mike & Molly, normally a safe bet, it was turned off within 5 minutes as they talked about how they’d simply get pregnant and 9 months later have a baby. “Hopefully,” I thought.  Maybe they should add they have only a 75% chance everything will be OK.  Next we changed to How I Met Your Mother, yep they have a baby now-another fail.  The League, a sports comedy, surely this would be a winner.  Nope, they give up the naming rights of their baby for a better draft pick, while giving birth.  Are you kidding me, let’s completely mock the process of bringing a live into this world. 
I know in the grand scheme of life, TV shows really don’t matter.  Believe me, I get it!  But I would like the ability to escape my reality and watch some mindless TV each night instead of being constantly reminded how the world assumes pregnancy ends in a healthy baby and happily ever after. We had happily ever after in our minds the day we left the hospital. 

Today I am cynical, bitter and angry.    And I don’t want to be reminded yet again of the life and future I don’t get to have.  And please don’t ever say to my husband and me, as we vent about the missing future, that we will be able to get it someday with another baby.  First, you don’t know that we will have another baby or that it will survive once we bring it home, no matter how much we overprotect it.  Second, that isn’t the point, I want the future I had planned with my daughter, with AVERY.  Yes, if we ever get to a point where we feel we can possibly try again and if we make it through the first 6 days, the first year, etc., it will still not be the future I had planned.  I will ALWAYS miss the future I planned with HER.