I've never been more homesick than now

I am really struggling with hitting the half year mark today.  I cannot believe it’s been half a year since that awful day.  Making it worse is the fact that it is a very dreary, rainy day.  This adds more sting to the pain for two reasons.  One, I normally visit the cemetery on Avery’s special dates (her birth date and angelversary) and today looks like one of the few that I cannot go there.  I know I don’t have to go to the cemetery to be close to Avery, I know she isn’t really there but I find peace there so not being able to go today is making me very anxious and uneasy.  The other is the fact that it is such a rainy day.  It was raining the day she was born and rained every day she was here with us.  The rain reminds me of her and the days following us losing her.  The rain today makes me feel like I am back in June.  The rain reminds me of the fresh pain, my raw emotions I felt during the summer. 

Today, I am feeling very homesick for Avery, for Jesus, for Heaven.  Last week, we attended a candlelight service at the cemetery.  At the service, the worship band played Mercy Me’s Homesick.  A song I had heard many times before but a song that I do not remember hearing in the past 6 months.  The words hit me very hard last week, for the first time I really felt them, they were my thoughts, they were my feelings, and they’re my longing for my reunion with my daughter.  These lyrics describe exactly how I feel.

If you’ve never heard this song, I recommend it.

Homesick by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now