Illuminate: Letter Hunt-Embrace

 

My goal over the next year is to embrace life.  The past 10 months have taught me that no amount of planning can keep your future going as you imagined.  A year ago today, I would have told you I would be planning a one year olds birthday party, I would be entering into toddler territory and I would be mothering my daughter.  So much can change in a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year.

This past year has left me battered, bruised and scarred yet I’ve survived.  I find it hard to hold on to hope that things will go as I imagine, I find it hard to trust that things will be OK, I find it hard to look forward to anything, I find it hard to imagine my future.  In the last 10 months, I feel I’ve lost so much of who I am.  Some parts I will never find again but others are slowly coming back to me.  I can see beauty again and smile without guilt.  It’s hard to look to the future because I am so afraid of being hurt again.

A year from now I would love to have the joy back in my life that Avery brought to me.  I would love to have a sibling for Avery to watch over.  I would love to get to be a mom again.  There is A LOT standing between me and where I would love to be.  To get to that place, I need to face my fears and embrace them.  I need to embrace the fact that I am not in control.  I need to embrace my faith and turn my worries over to God.  I need to embrace hope, hope that I will feel that joy again.  I need to embrace my sorrow, tears and grief as reminders of my deep, never ending love for Avery.  I need to embrace every joyful time and the challenging times. 

A year from now, I hope to be able to look back and say that whatever the year has brought me, I have fully embraced each second, minute, hour, day, week and month that I am given.  Whether or not my life looks the way that I imagine, I hope to embrace every moment for the good and bad.  We are only given one life, and the only way to fully live it is to embrace every moment.