One thing that seems to be a constant on this journey is how easily I can become angry, bitter and jealous. I become infuriated at life and at this unfair world. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge and to someone outside this babyloss community, these thoughts may make me seem crazy. And I probably am, but these are where my thoughts go so often these days...
When I hear the woman in front of me at the cashier in Target tell the cashier she needs to wait at least 5 years longer to have kids when she thinks she's ready because kids are nothing but money pits (while she's carrying a designer bag and wearing lots of jewelry)...
...I think how I would gladly have money pit at home and that this woman doesn't deserve the blessings she's been given if she's going to be so ungrateful. Grief is a money pit too at least children enrich lives.
When I am forced to watch a beautiful little girl playing with her father, who gave up parental rights so that he could do drugs, and now gets to see her when its convenient for him...
...I think how it is complete bull shit that someone who can't get their act together gets to have the best of both worlds. He gets to see her when it works for him, gets to live the awful life he wants and oh yea, he now has another healthy baby at home. Seriously?!? WTF. I find it hard to bite my tongue.
When I see on Facebook parents complaining over and over and over again about their fussy children and lack of sleep...
...I think about how I would gladly wear bags under my eyes and have an extra large coffee every morning to have Avery be at home fussy and keeping me awake. I would love to actually have her in my arms when I cannot sleep instead of my memories of her and that awful day keeping me awake. I have bags under my eyes and nothing to show for it.
When I hear parents complaining about their lack of adult time...
...I want to scream! I was ready to give up adult time, girls nights and dates. I would do anything to NOT just be with adults.
I know many would say that had Avery still been here these things wouldn't bother me. And to some point that is probably true. I know I may sound judgmental but this is how I honestly feel. The loss of a child changes the way you look at everything. As much as I try, these type of things get under my skin. I end up angry, cursing and normally sobbing. This is my life. These are my thoughts. And as crazy as they may be I cannot help my bitterness, anger or jealousy.
My hope is that if you are on the same journey and feel these things too, you'll know you aren't alone and if you haven't experienced a loss this will give you a little insight to the thought process of a grieving mother or at least this grieving mother.
You aren't alone at all. I feel this way all of the time. Grocery shopping especially exhausts me... all of the parents with their babies, parents who aren't appreciating every second like I want to be.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone, I feel the exact same way. I'm a teacher so I witness first hand on a daily basis how horrible some parents are to their children and it takes ounce of strength I have to bite my tongue.
ReplyDeleteGonna echo the ladies above...and say you're not alone. So many comments just exhaust me. Or behavior, really. I work with someone...who had twins two months after I lost Luke. She...drives me crazy. She has seemingly no empathy for me...she unloaded on me and another person once about "how expensive childcare can be!" I mean, seriously. I'd like you to STFU right now, kthx. You HAVE TWO BABIES. I HAVE ZERO. I had one, HE WAS RIGHT THERE, and now he's gone. So really...Cry me an effing river.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I just can't listen to it. I know being a mother is going to be difficult someday...but I hope to never ever take it for granted. That will be Luke's legacy.
I feel the same way, you are not alone. I am a teacher too in the inner city and watching my student's mother's get pregnant so easy and have babies that they end up losing custody of is just so painful. I often wonder why is it so easy for them and it seems impossible for me? Its just not fair.
ReplyDeleteWhen people complain about their children, I want to grab them by their shoulders and shake them. Don't they know how lucky they are?? I suppose you are right. If this hadn't happened to us, we might do the same thing. Still, it doesn't take away the sting of people taking for granted what we would give anything to have.
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