Journal

As part of CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief Project, I went back through my paper journal today (day 5 is journal). And it really brought me back to those very dark days following Avery's death. The pages are tear soaked and there is so little hope in my words. I had no hope, I could see no light, the world was simply a cruel place. 

In those early days I would have told you I would always be completely and utterly distraught. I would never find joy or happiness again. It's been 2 years and 4 months (tomorrow) since she was born and Sunday will make 2 years and 4 months since she left us. And in that time, I've evolved, I've changed. 

The babyloss journey is one where you are constantly changing and evolving as you continue on your journey. Sitting here, thinking about the changes I've gone through is crazy. And to be able to recognize that though this journey I will be forever changing in who I am and where I am on this journey and be content with that is well, big.  

Early on, I didn't want to hear that the good days would eventually outweigh the bad, but they do.

Early on, I didn't want to go a day without tears staining my pillow because somehow that would mean I missed her less, but that happened. 

Early on, I didn't want to hear that the world keeps turning, but it does. 

As time has passed, the gaping wound has scabbed. I've come to realize that it's ok that I have good days more often and that I don't cry myself to sleep every night. I needed that early on. But in time I also needed to realize those actions aren't my only connection or outward way I show that I love and miss Avery. This world is cruel but it doesn't stop for me. It keeps spinning. And I can either choose to let it spin without me or start spinning with it. 

Now, I've realized I can live here in the present with her in my heart. I can smile and laugh and still love her. I can have joy in my life without feeling guilty or that I am leaving her behind. 

I'm so thankful that as I travel down this path, I've found others to help me along my way. To help me continue to evolve in my grief and continue to keep Avery with me in my everyday life.