Ready or not, life goes on

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” ― Robert Frost

I remember leaving the funeral home the day after Avery died and seeing the traffic go buzzing down US 1, people coming and going, going about their day completely unaware of the woman in the parking lot still in shock that her daughter was gone. These people were going about their lives just as they had the day before. And there I stood my world in shambles not knowing how I was supposed to continue on.

As much as I absolutely loathe it, Robert Frost was right, life goes on. My life isn't what I expected but it continues. Whether I hide in bed or face the world, it keeps spinning.

I've been struggling lately. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't relate to the person I was before Avery. My old life and its worries seem much too trivial now. And I'm not who I was with Avery here in my arms. How can I be when she is no longer in them? Work is no longer a driving factor for me, now it's really just a job and source of income. I find myself simply existing and going through the motions of what is expected of me-wake up, go to work, do something for dinner, pretend I'm doing much better than I am when I see people, go to sleep and repeat.

This weekend I sat alone quite a bit while my husband worked and in that quiet alone time, my anger started boiling to the surface again. I HATE this life I'm being forced to live, I want the world to stop for me, I want to hide and sleep all day. I want my daughter back with me. But the unfortunate truth is these things cannot and will not be happening in this life.

People are starting to give us more and more space. I think we've reached the point where enough people think enough time has passed to do this. And while that is probably true, it is very isolating. In the beginning friends and family were constantly reaching out to see what we needed whether it be dinner or a break from reality. In the past month or two that has slowly come to a halt. And please don't get me wrong and read into these statements differently, I'm not trying to place blame on our support team, they've been fantastic and I am forever grateful of their support, but it is just another realization that life goes on.

So where so I go from here? I can't go back, I don't want to go forward but unless I do, I'll be stuck on the rut forever. I can't expect others to push me forever but I can't muster up enough strength to push myself. If I don't snap out of this soon, I will look back and realize again that life, no matter what we do, it goes on. I don't want to be left behind and I don't want to regret this time I've been given. I want to look back on this time when I get to Heaven and see Avery and know that she is proud of how I lived my days with her in my heart.

**I have to note, as I had this post ready and about to publish, my office phone rang. It was an associate of mine at the hospital we are affiliated with calling to ask if I could set up payroll deductions for the March of Dimes. As we talked she mentioned they would love to have as part of their team to fundraiser and participate in the walk for babies. Of course I said yes! How is that for God's perfect timing?!? Now I have something on my immediate horizon that I can put my energy and time into and make a positive impact. **

Illuminate: Week 2-Finding my light

 

“Darkness is only driven out with light, not more darkness.”-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Finding light after loss is very difficult. For a long time I felt surrounded by nothing but darkness.  How could I find light when my daughter, the light of my world, was no longer in my arms?  Darkness was a place I hid out in for quite sometime.  Anger, bitterness, loneliness surrounded me.  I could not find happiness when my heart was missing a huge piece.  I could not find light when my world had fallen apart.

I heard over and over that God was with us and as much as I wanted to believe it, I still didn't understand why my life had taken this turn. Darkness was my world.  And while I still don't understand why children are taken from their parents, I do know that I have found light and hope through faith.  My faith is in God and without my faith and belief in Jesus; I would have no hope in seeing Avery again one day.

 

Because of God's word, I've begun to see glimpses of light in my still dark world.

John 8:12-“Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, ‘I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.’”

Psalm 119:105-“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

God’s word promises me light even in my darkest times.  It also promises me that one day, I will be with my daughter again.  Knowing that one day I will wake up and be with my daughter is the greatest hope I can imagine. This world is full of darkness by my light waits for me in Heaven. One day this darkness will be gone forever. Until that day, I will focus on the light I have here, the light of the word of God.

 

The verse that has spoken to us the most since losing Avery,
circled by my Avery bracelet that has the verse on it.

 

 

 

 

Illuminate: Week 1

The following post is my first assignment in the online photography course, Illuminate.  To find our more about the course and its instructor, fellow babyloss mom, Beryl, click here.

Avery's Place

Avery's Place is finally open!  In July of last year, we held the Inaugural Avery Diane Hanson golf tournament.  We decided to use the money raised to build a playground at our church.  The children's ministry has always weighed heavily on my heart and I looked forward very much to watching Avery grow up in the church.  Until now, the children at our church have only had a large field to play in and a few wooden swings hanging from a tree.  Now, thanks to our family and friends who all came together to raise the money for the playground, the children at our church and in the community have a beautiful, safe place to play.  Even though I don't get to see Avery grow up at church, now I get to see children playing and enjoying themselves at a place that was made possible because of her.  It is very bittersweet.  Here are some pictures...

 

 

Avery shining down on her playground

 

 

 

One of the many roses planted all around the playground

A step forward

Here we are again, it's the 6th of yet another month. Has it really been 9 months already? I cannot believe I would have a 9 month old at home already, probably getting ready to become mobile. Time is moving at a rapid pace and yet every 6th of the month, I feel like I'm right back in that hospital room with Avery. Oh how I wish life has a rewind button. I'd love to rewind and live those 6 days again I'm slow motion.

And even though today I am back in those moments, I have taken a huge step forward. Today, I actually made it in to work. Since coming back to work in August, I've avoided pretty much everything outside of my house on the 6th and 12th of each month. It was easier hiding out in the comfort of my home where I could cuddle up with my Avery bear from Molly Bears or her blanket. Hiding out was doing me no good but it allowed me to stay in my comfort zone and allowed me to focus primarily on Avery on those days. This month I decided I needed to quit hiding from life and take that next step; a step away from my comfort zone.

In the last 9 months I've stayed close to my comfort zone, only stepping out occasionally (and usually by force). I've avoided being around new people, new environments and situations I felt would make me uneasy. I'm not saying I was wrong in doing so (or that anyone who does this is wrong, there is no right or wrong on this journey we are on) but I felt it was time I stop hiding out. Whether I hide out in a dark room clinging to the things that make me feel close to her or spend my days elsewhere, the fact remains that she is not here with us. Hiding from life isn't going to bring her back.

So I made a pact with myself that this month I wasn't going to run away from the dates. Last night, I started getting really anxious that I was leaving her behind and she would be upset at me. But I talked myself down from the irrational guild ledge I was teetering on. I won't lie, this morning was hard but I pushed through and made it to work. Albeit, an hour later than normal but I made it. And while it hasn't been an easy day and I've cried while sitting at my desk more than I have in awhile, I'm surviving.

Ive struggled with moving forward without Avery. I find myself getting overwhelmed with the future, with the unknown and when I focus on those things, I start retreating. I want to run and hide from life and all of the pain associated with it. The thought that 5, 10, 50 years down the road I'll still be without her is so overwhelming, I'm not sure how to process it. The anxiety, the fear, the pain-it's just too much at times. I cannot allow myself to continue being overpowered by these thoughts and things I cannot control. I've been trying the past few weeks to keep reminding myself to just take one step at a time and take life one moment, one day at a time. When I focus on small steps, I find myself taking them and I find it a little easier to breathe.

So here I am, 9 months since Avery was born working on taking small steps forward and trying to navigate my way through life without her. I miss her so much.

I found it fitting while writing this to share the verse I've been working to memorize this week:

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Joshua 1:9

For Good

On Saturday night we went to see Wicked with some friends. It was an amazing show. Almost towards the end Elphaba and Glinda sing a song, "For Good." The performers did an amazing job with the song but the lyrics really spoke to me. While Avery came into our lives for only a brief moment here on earth, her little life changed us for the better and for good. She changed us in so many ways, helped us to grow, to appreciate, to love and so much more. I thought I'd share some of the lyrics (I apologize, I cut out a verse that doesn't really apply).

For Good from Wicked

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you...
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you...

Because I knew you..

I have been changed for good.
...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good...

Peace and Acceptance

Over the last few weeks, I felt I was getting to a point of, dare I say, peace or acceptance?  I think I am getting to the point where I recognize that I don’t have to be an emotional mess to love Avery or that I don’t have to cry myself to sleep every night to know that I still miss her deeply.  I’ve been having more “good” days than bad recently and I’ll admit it, it feels nice.  And even during those days where I am doing well, I still think of her so much.  It’s always been my fear that in doing well I would do what I fear most; move on (even typing that phrase I cringe).  I think I am coming to grips with the fact that I’ll never move on but rather find a way to move forward each day with her in my heart.  It’s been a relief of sorts coming to this realization.

I was been doing quite well, until yesterday.  Yesterday was quite a day for us.  We met with a new OB/GYN office just as a consultation.  Not that we are ready to fully try again, but this time around, I wanted to talk to someone first.  I wanted someone to look me in the eyes and tell me they would do everything they could to bring us as much peace of mind as they could should we give pregnancy another shot (I love my former OB but I simply cannot deliver at the hospital in town, too many memories-good and bad).  The doctor we met was truly wonderful.  He didn’t make me feel uncomfortable or rushed even though the lobby was packed.  He listened and sympathized with us.  And while both he and I understand that he is not God and he cannot promise this won’t happen again, he made me feel more comfortable with the idea of another pregnancy. 

Towards the end of the appointment, we were discussing what we found out from Avery’s medical exam and he asked if we had genetic tests done.  I always assumed the Medical Examiner’s office would have conducted those test but I really didn’t know for sure.  So for peace of mind, he ordered a genetic panel to be run on me.  At first, I was happy to feel like we were taking the first steps towards that “peace of mind” I will so desperately long for should I get pregnant again (although, let’s be real, no amount of tests will ever calm my nerves, we all know way to much about what can and does go wrong during pregnancy) but now, I am a ball of nerves.  I am so afraid that my husband and I will strike the unlucky lottery again and both are carriers of some recessive chromosomal abnormality.  What then?!?

This got me to thinking about Avery’s medical exam again (honestly, I obsessed about it all night while I couldn’t sleep).  I have left several messages in the past with the medical investigator who handled her case to ask about the genetic test to no avail (surprise, surprise).  So, I decided to call again today.  Wouldn’t you know it, he didn’t answer.  So instead of leaving a message, I called the receptionist.  She was nice enough to pull Avery’s records and to let me know that genetic tests aren’t “standard procedure” and are not conducted unless the exam presents a sign that one would be needed.  So, the excuses I received week after week of not wanting to leave any stone unturned and wanting to feel confident they looked at everything they could while we waited 5 long months for them to tell us nothing was complete crap.  They didn’t turn over EVERY stone. 

I am no medical expert but really? How hard would it have been to send the lab work out for genetic tests?  I am so very disappointed in the system.  Now I feel like maybe there was something genetic and even if my tests come back normal, she still could have had something.  That peace and acceptance I thought I was coming close to, now feels even further away.  I am doing my best not to dwell on this as I wait for the next few weeks for my results but it is so difficult.

And while I just went on for much longer than I wanted about my worries, I am also heartbroken for another family.  A family I don’t even know.  A family in my community who went in yesterday at 37 weeks due to lack of movement to be told the baby’s heart had stopped.  Another family has joined this dreadful club.  They didn’t want to be members, but like me they are now members for life.  I don’t know this family but I haven’t stopped thinking about them since I heard their story last night.  That one in four statistic feels like it is getting smaller by the day.  My OB asked if she could share my contact information with them should they want to reach out and I of course said yes.  I hope that one day they will have the strength to reach out and talk about their precious baby.  The bond between those who have lost is so strong, the connection is so real and I am so thankful to have those to talk to who are part of this community.  Nobody else gets it like those in the babyloss community. 

Another family is in pain tonight, another future that was once full of dreams is forever changed.  And I cannot help but think “why?”  Please keep this family in your prayers as they face the weeks, months and years ahead of them without their baby. 

So yea, that peace and acceptance I was feeling closer to well, it’s not so close anymore.  How can it be when this continues to happen to other families?  How can it be close when I am once again questioning Avery’s health and the outcomes of future pregnancies?  There is just so much heartache in our community and it is all weighing heavily on me today.

How can one find peace when the storms seem to come continuously?  This journey feels like being stranded at sea.  Sometimes the waters are calm and you can make out land in the distance and others a storm comes and knocks you off course. I am still stuck in hurricane season where the storms come fierce and often but I have hope that one day, the seas will be calm more than they are rough.  I have hope that I will find peace and acceptance one day, but for now, peace and acceptance linger on the horizon as I navigate through these choppy waters of heartache and questions.