Day 31: Sunset

This project has really made me think about aspects of my grief that I may not have contemplated yet. I am very thankful for Carly to host this. While difficult, I am glad I participated.

To close I found a great quote:

“Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Avery will always be with me yet we will always be apart this side of Heaven.

I love you sweet girl!

Day 30: Your Grief, Tell the World

Day 29: Songs

Today’s challenge was to post song’s that remind you of your child or have been a part of your journey.  There have been many amazing songs through this journey that I couldn’t pick just one. 

Day 27-28

I’m a little behind on the Capture the Grief Challenge, something I told myself I wouldn’t do but it happened.  Such is life.

Day 27 was supposed to be artwork.  This is a combination of a few “art” pieces.  The left is the prayer flag I sent for Carly’s Beachside October 15^th ceremony and the middle is a luminary I made for Avery for a Beachside October 15^th ceremony.   One of my favorite “art” pieces we have for Avery is her “A;” made by one of my amazing friends before Avery was born.  She designed the letter to match Avery’s bedroom theme perfectly.  It is one of my favorite pieces in her room and it means a lot that one of my friends spent so much time to make it so perfect for Avery.  The bottom right is a piece I just recently received by another great friend who often leaves presents for us at Avery’s graveside.  It is a pink butterfly with her name in the middle.  It is super cute and most importantly, it makes me feel good that people still think about Avery and bring her gifts.

Day 28 was supposed to be a memory of your grief journey so far.  I chose to highlight a memory that was a positive memory from this journey.  I’ve been on the journey for 20 weeks and mostly have negative memories.  I am really trying to focus more on the good than the bad so I picked probably one of the best nights I have had in the past 20 weeks.  This picture is from the beachside luminary October 15^th event I attended hosted by Elizabeth Ministries of Melbourne.  While the event was emotionally draining, it was amazing to be surrounded by so many amazing families who are traveling this grief road with us.  Some were further in their journey while others were newer to it than me.  But it was so comforting to hear their stories, to see that many have found some peace and comfort and that they all are still standing.  It was an amazing evening and I am very thankful to have met these amazing people. 

Here come the holidays

Ready or not, here they come!  The holidays are coming and the mere thought of them literally puts me into a panic.  Over the past few years my husband and I have often joked how holidays just don’t feel the way they should because it was just the 2 of us.  We both looked forward to being able to celebrate this year as a family of 3.  Now, realizing that we have to go through the holiday season this year without Avery is unbearable. 

Halloween isn’t one of my favorite holidays but I envisioned actually carving a pumpkin and picking out a cute costume for Avery.  I pictured going trick or treating with her cousins and stopping to show her off to our friends and family in town.  Since we cannot do this, this year we’ve decided to go to dinner and a movie on Halloween so we can completely avoid trick or treaters and hopefully everything that we will be missing.

Thanksgiving is normally spent at my mom’s house out of town.  I looked forward to taking Avery on her first road trip, having her visit her grandmother and her cousins she wouldn’t have gotten to see very often.  I pictured relaxing with her outside by the water.  Now, I am completely avoiding Thanksgiving.  Not only is it another holiday without her but my sister also has 2 kids; one 18 months older than Avery and the other only 5 weeks older than her.  I just can’t handle being around them and seeing everyone fuss over them.  I love them but I just can’t handle that right now.  So we are taking an anti-Thanksgiving trip with our best friends.  We will be spending Thanksgiving in Vegas.  Nothing screams anti-Thanksgiving like gambling, buffets and shows.  I am looking forward to getting away on this trip.  We plan to also take a day trip to California.  I am going to try to take my own beach picture of Avery’s name in California and her name in Vegas. Something I plan to do on all of our trips now.  While I am excited to get away, I know I won’t be escaping the holiday all together.  I know it is still going to be hard.  Bottom line is, it is still going to be Thanksgiving without her. 

Day 26: Her age

Avery was only 6 days old when we lost her.  6 days will never be enough but I know I also wouldn’t be satisfied even if I had 6 million days with her. I mean, how could any parent be fully satisfied with any amount of days they had with their child?  I am however thankful that I was given 6 beautiful days with her.  I will forever cherish each second of these 6 days.  I remember so much about that short period of time.  I could tell you who visited us and on which day.  I could tell you what she wore, what time we went to bed and exactly what we did during the day each of those days.    My husband and I fell in love even more during those 6 days.  Those 6 days will forever be ingrained in my mind and will always be a cherished period of time.

Day 25: Babyshower

My friends and family threw me and Avery an amazing shower when I was 29 weeks pregnant.  We did the shower early because my sister, who lives 5 hours away, was 34 week pregnant and we wanted her to be able to attend.  Looking back, I am so glad we did the shower early on.  We received so many gifts that it took us the next two months to get everything organized and her nursery ready. 

The day of the shower was a great day.  They put so many cute touches together to make it a beautiful shower.  Her cake was amazing, the food was fantastic (which was wonderful to a big preggo lady like myself) and the games were fun.  More importantly, our friends and family were all together to celebrate Avery.  There were almost 30 people in attendance and I think it took almost 2 hours for me to open all of the gifts.  Avery is truly one blessed and loved little girl.  She was spoiled before we even made her grand entrance.    

Looking back, I still can’t believe how naïve I was to assume our story would end with happily ever after.  The shower was 3 months and 1 day before I buried my girl.  It still amazes me how quickly everything can go from perfect to a complete mess so quickly.  Avery barely was able to use any of the amazing gifts we received at her shower.  I hate that there are so many things she never even touched.  I cherish her gifts, especially those she actually used.  And I cherish the memories we made during that shower.  I am thankful for the family and friends we have that love Avery. 

Day 24: Siblings

This is a picture of Avery with her 5 older boy cousins. Since she was our first and doesn't have any siblings I decided to post her pictures with them. Avery was the first girl born into my husband's father's side of the family in over 50 years. To say she was the princess is a complete understatement. Her closet is still busting at the seams with clothes.

She was loved and wanted by so many, including these boys (although at first they weren't sure how they would incorporate her into baseball, they later decided she would be the best girl baseball player ever). Growing up, I am sure she would have hated having these 5 tough guys looking out for her (and so would boys her age) but they would have been her protectors.

They love her. They all wore pink to her service and keep their Avery bracelets in a special place. Even the youngest who is only 3 perks up whenever he hears her name and asks about baby Avery. They all love her and remember her, I just wish I could have watched them all grow up together.

Day 23: Their Name/Photo

This is probably one of my favorite pictures of Avery.  It was taken on Sunday, June 10, 2012.  My husband was napping and then ran errands so Avery and I had the afternoon alone.  She was in such a good mood and was making the cutest faces.  I tried to catch her little smiles and silly faces with my camera but most of the time I missed the moment when she smiled.  But in this one, I caught her beautiful smile.

It’s so hard to see this picture and know that within 48 hours of this photo she as gone.  She was so perfect and amazing.  I am thankful that she and I were able to spend some mommy/daughter time that day. 

Day 22: Place of Care

This photo was taken just a few minutes after Avery was born.  My husband was my best caretaker when Avery was born.  He was by my side through my labor and c-section.  Once Avery was born, he didn’t leave her side while I was in post-op.  He made sure his little girl was taken care of and not alone.  He was there for me the 2 days we were in the hospital and when we were released to go home.  I don’t know what I would have done without him.  Recovering from a c-section is much harder than I anticipated.  It was hard to get out of bed, hard to get situated in a comfortable position to nurse; it was overall just hard to get around.  But he was there helping me each step of the way.  Not only was he there for me, he was there for Avery; making sure she was 100% happy.

Even after we lost Avery, he has been my caretaker.  He continuously puts my needs above his even though he is in pain too.  I would be lost without him and I am thankful God blessed me with such a wonderful husband.

Day 21: Special Place

Yesterday’s challenge was to post a photo of a special place.  We have Avery’s picture in pretty much every room of our house. After she passed I went on this hunt for photos of her.  I was so afraid that I would barely have any photos.  I am glad to say that after compiling pictures that everyone took over her 6 days, I have over 150 photos.  So I have taken many and placed them throughout our house.  I love that her pretty pictures surround us.

The picture on the left is in her room.  It is one of my favorites.  This picture also has some decorations that we had in her nursery, a picture of my husband and her, a cross from her services, a balloon that my best friend left for her at the cemetery and a few other little items.  The picture on the top right is a family photo frame that hangs in our dining room.  And the picture on the bottom right is of shelves in our main hallway.  The upper shelf has a picture of her with a cross faith candle.  The lower shelf has her candle, her picture and a picture of my cousins and I with my grandmother, Diane,  this was taken the Thanksgiving before she passed away.    This is my grandmother who Avery received her middle name from. 

I could go on about each of these, but I am emotionally exhausted and have been for the past few days.  I'm just so tired of everything, I don't even have the energy to put it all down on paper. 

Day 20: Charity/Organization

This is a photo of my Avery sunset picture that I had blown up on a canvas from Carly at Carlymarieprojectheal.com. Carly does amazing things for the baby loss community including this Capture Your Grief Challenge. Visit her site if you haven't before and see the wonderful things she does.

Next to the sunset is my Avery bear from Molly Bears. The bear weighs 7lbs 15.5 oz. Being able to cuddle this bear that weighs the same as my Avery is comforting. My husband and I love having it near and holding it in our arms brings us right back to how she felt in our arms. I recommend checking them out and if you can donating to their great cause!

Both if these groups are amazing and I am thankful for their contributions to our community.

Day 19: Projects

Today’s challenge was to post a project you have worked on.  I haven’t been part of any outside projects yet only projects for myself.  These projects have helped me while grieving. 

The top left shows all of the scrapbooking supplies I have bought.  I haven’t stated the scrapbook yet but I fully intend to work on this.  After losing Avery I realized that her baby book that I received at my baby shower was going to be left 99% incomplete, I decided I didn’t even want to start it.  So, instead I am going to make my own baby book scrapbook.  I can make it her book that looks complete instead of the blank pages haunting me every time I open it.

The top right is my blog.  I started this as an outlet for my feelings.  I never intended to actually share it with anyone.  But after reading the blogs of so many BLMs, I decided I would share it during this project.  I can’t believe anyone reads my ramblings but maybe something that comes across on this blog will help another mom not feel so alone.

The bottom left is my journal.  This is where I write to Avery.  I started the journal 2 weeks after losing her as a place to tell her how I feel, how much I miss her and how much I love her.  In the beginning, I wrote to her every day, I felt like my time with her was so short that I need to tell her over and over how sad I was without her.  It was really good for me to get it out.  Now, I don’t write to her as often but it is my special place; a place where I connect to only her. 

The bottom right is the prayer flag I made for Carly’s Luminous Light Ceremony.  This was the first “crafty” thing I did after losing Avery.  It was really nice to put so much thought into something that represented her.  I was so pleased and in love with it, I want to make another for her room. 

I really hope in the near future I can become part of a project that isn’t just for “me.”  I would love to be part of something bigger to help other families in similar circumstances.  I don’t think I am quite ready to be a help to others yet as I still feel like I need help myself but I really feel the pull to help others in the future. 

Day 18: Family Portrait

I still can’t bear the thought of taking a real family photo without Avery.  Our one and only family photo was while in the operating room during my c-section.  This is something that bothers me so much!  I wish we had more pictures of the 3 of us together.  In my mind, we would be taking so many family photos especially with the holidays approaching.  My husband’s family likes to do a big family photo every few years are we are about due to take another one.  I was actually excited for it this year because finally it wouldn’t just be my husband and I; it would be the three of us.  So, to sit down and take a photo of our family just breaks my heart even more.  Sure, I have a few of my husband and I from a recent trip but they weren’t being taken as family pictures, in all honesty, they were forced.  I know we will all incorporate Avery into our next family photo, I am really just dreading having to do that-she should be in it.  I’ve debated using her Molly Bear, her picture, etc. none of those sound like it will do her justice.    

So, this is a picture my husband and I took in Chicago.  It’s a picture of how Avery was still “with” us on the trip in spirit and in our hearts.  This is going to be our “thing” to include her from this point forward whenever we go anywhere.  It’s my husband and I saying I love you with his tattoo and my Avery bracelet. 

We love you baby girl!

Day 17: Birthday/Anniversary

This is a collage of the best day of my life, June 6, 2012, Avery's birthday.  Never in a million years did I imagine on that day that just 4 months later I would be participating in the Capture your Grief Challenge.  In my heart, I feel like shouldn’t be part of this; I should be posting tons of pictures of my little 4 month old girl not documenting my grief.  I don't want to be imagining how we will celebrate her first birthday or her first anything without her.  I just want to go back and re-live each of the 6 amazing days I had with her. 

Today is a horrible day.  I can’t get it together today, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop wanting to scream and punch something.  But I also have no energy to deal with any of it.  Today, I can’t face my feelings.  Today, I just want to be home and in bed and that’s exactly what I am going to do. 

Days 15 & 16

Avery's Candle at Our House

 Yesterday was quite the day which is why I am behind in posting for the Capture your Grief Challenge.  Yesterday’s challenge was to post your “wave of light.”  According to the October 15^th website, www.october15.com, everyone worldwide is encouraged to light a candle at 7pm in their time zone to remember all of the babies gone too soon.  The goal is to keep the “wave of light” going for 24 hours.  To participate in this event, my husband, myself and two friends, who have also experienced a loss, traveled to Indialantic, FL to attend a beachside luminary ceremony. 

We arrived to the event hosted by Elizabeth Ministry ofMelbourne and were warmly welcomed.  We were given luminaries to decorate for our babies.  Then we all met on the beach and lit our luminaries in the shape of a cross as the sun was setting.  After dark, we all gathered, a poem was read and we shared stories of loss.  It was an incredible experience.  Families from all stages of loss were there uniting as one for our babies. 

Day 14: Community

Today’s photo challenge was to post a photo of a community event you have attended.  Tomorrow will be my first October 15^th since we lost Avery and I plan on attending a luminary and lantern ceremony at the beach.  I have not attended any official “baby loss” events to date.  However, a month after Avery passed, our friends put together a golf tournament in her honor.  Being that our loss was still so new and we didn’t have (and still don’t have) the findings from her autopsy, we decided to raise money to build a playground at our church.  The playground will be dedicated to Avery and be called “Avery’s Place.”
The tournament, which was put together in less than 3 weeks, was amazing.  The community outpouring was overwhelming.  We had 80 golfers at the event and many more attend just to be there.  Food was donated by our local bar-b-que restaurant as well as so many prizes for a raffle.  The day was incredible.  There were so many there to not only support us, but to remember Avery.  In total we raised over $8,000 for Avery’s Place and hope to have the playground complete by the end of the year.

We live in a small town where to do anything “fun” you normally have to drive to a bigger community.  We use to joke about living were we live and how boring it is.  But after experiencing what we have over the last 4 months, I love this community.  There have been so many people here to support us; I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.  We plan to hold a golf tournament every year now in October.  I hope to bring more awareness to October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

Tomorrow, I will attend my first official “baby loss” event.  My husband and I are attending with friends who too are a part of this baby loss community.  A community unlike our town, that I still wish I wasn’t a part of but one that I have also found support and love in. 

Day 13: Signs

Today’s photo challenge was to post a sign.  Since Avery left us, I have had a few signs from her.  One of the most clear was this double rainbow.  I previously wrote about it here.  It was an amazing day.

I also have had a few other signs.  I always seem to see rainbows on hard days and normally either on my way to the cemetery or on my way home. 

One day a few weeks ago, I was in the middle of a good cry on my way home from work and I saw this heart in the clouds.

And last night, after visiting the cemetery and having a bad day overall, we saw this.  This one is probably the silliest.  We were grabbing some fast food when I looked up and saw that only the “A” of the sign was lit up.  When I pointed it out to my husband, he laughed and said, see Baby Girl is trying to tell you not to be sad today.

As big or small as some of these signs may be, I am thankful for them.  I love when things happen to make me realize that even though she isn’t here with me in the way I imagined, she is still here.  She will always be with us. 

Day 12: Scent

Today’s challenge was a picture of a scent that reminded you of your child.  I thought of this one for a while as there are many scents that bring me back to my pregnancy and to her.  When I was pregnant and had morning sickness the first few months, the girls in the office connected to ours made bacon every morning.  The smell was awful to my sensitive stomach. 

The smell of diaper cream/baby powder brings me back to having her in my arms.  She smelled so fresh and sweet.  Since losing her, I have found that the sunscreen my husband uses smells A LOT like her baby care items.  Every time he uses it, I am brought back to her.  It’s a great smell.  I’ve truthfully smelled the diaper cream and sunscreen on more than one occasion to bring me back to those moments with her.

But, I think the smell that really brings me back to it all is her room.  The room created a scent of its own when we started transforming it into her room a few months before she was born.  I think it is a combination of all of the new furniture, mixed with the smell of her clothes and blankets washed in baby detergent and the smell of baby care items.  These scents have all combined together to make her room have a scent like no other in our home.  Before she was born, the scent was there.  It brings back memories of the hours I spent in there preparing it and making it perfect for her.  When she was here, we spent time just rocking in her rocking chair and scent was there.  After she left us, the door mainly is closed but when I go in her room, the scent is still there and it brings me back to all of the memories of pregnancy and of her.  When I want to feel close to her, I go and sit in her room with the door closed and just take in the scent of my memories of her.

Day 11: Supportive Family/Friends

Today’s challenge was a picture of your supportive family and friends.  My husband and I are truly blessed with the outpouring of support we had after Avery left us.  Her service had over 500 people there to remember our daughter and to show their love and support for us.  I am forever grateful to all of these people who have been there for us.  For weeks, cards flooded our mailbox.  Our family has been buy our side as well as our friends.  However, when it comes down to MY biggest support, I have to say, if it was not for my husband, I don’t know if I would be even remotely close to the place I am currently at.

Even before Avery was born, during labor, he was my rock.  When the pain was intense and I just wanted to give up, he was there holding my hand, looking me in the eyes, encouraging me.  When it was decided I needed a c-section, he was there holding my hand as I was getting more nervous and anxious.  He held my hand during the surgery and when Avery came out, he was there by her side when I couldn’t be.  Instantly, he was the protective father and husband.  He was with Avery, while they stitched me up, keeping her company and safe. 

When we finally got to come home 2 days later, he was there for me.  When I couldn’t get out of bed easily or out of the chair, he was there to help me.  He would help make sure I was comfortable, change diapers, and help me prep to nurse.  He was there.  We were able to spend all 6 days of her short life together, the three of us.  We fell in love more over those 6 days than I ever thought possible. 

And when the unimaginable happened, we held each other, cried together and fell apart together.  When the time came to plan her funeral, he took charge when I couldn’t think.  He talked to people for me when I couldn’t.  When the services were over and the family went away, he was still there.  There each day with me for 2 weeks after we lost her.  And when he ran out of vacation time and so did I from work, he sucked up his emotions and went back to work so we would be OK financially.  Yet, was there when I would call him crying, came home from work when I couldn’t handle being alone.  And he is still there. On mornings when I feel like I cannot go to work, he tells me to do what I need to do.  He doesn’t force me to “get over it.” He doesn’t make me feel crazy or guilty for being so distraught.  Instead, at night, almost every night, when I cry myself to sleep, he holds me.  He is the only one who knows the horror we faced that morning and every day since.  He is the only one who can truly get how it feels to be in our empty house.  He is the only one who gets how our lives will never again be how we imagined they would be.  He is the only one who gets what it’s like to miss our beautiful daughter the way I do.

In a time when many couples grow apart and place blame, my husband is my rock, he helps me get through yet another day of facing this horrible reality.  I am so blessed and thankful that I have him with me through this.   She had him wrapped around her finger in just 6 days and he is the most wonderful father and husband I can think of.  Avery was truly her daddy’s girl.  I love this picture of the two of them.  It was taken early in the morning on June 7^th when Avery was a day old.  You can see the love in his eyes through the tiredness.