Easter a reminder that Heaven is for Real

I've always been a procrastinator.  I thought maybe having Harper here would change that a bit--WRONG! I ordered her Easter basket from Etsy over 6 weeks ago but didn't give much thought as to what I would put in the basket. So I decided yesterday, I should probably go get a few things to put in it. But seriously, she's 3 months old, what do you give a baby? Especially one who has so much already!9 As I was browsing Target's baby section, a book in the next section over caught my eye. There, sitting at then end of an aisle, was a big yellow book, just calling my name. Heaven is for Real for Kids was place just right and instantly I knew it was the perfect gift. 

This may seem like an odd book for a baby and she certainly won't understand for a few years but I was so excited for the placement of this book. I wouldn't have sought it out as an Easter present but it was perfect. A book reminding us of all that we have waiting for us because of what Jesus did for us. How fitting for Easter. Thankfully, I had enough sense not to read it until I got home. And oh what I book. 

It's written perfectly for kids to understand that Jesus loves them and what Heaven is like. (SPOILER ALERT). The part that got me the most was when he talks about how he gets to meet his big sister for the first time and how she wouldn't stop hugging him. (Oh, be still my heart). The thought of Avery knowing Harper already is overwhelmingly beautiful. Even though she hasn't met her little sister yet, she knows her and loves her. And one day, one day I pray is many, many, many years away, she will know her when they finally meet. But not only that, it reminds me that she will know us too. 

I always worry that in her six days, she was too small to know us and understand who we are to her. I've always worried she didn't know our love enough. But this book, like the adult version, reminds me that I don't have to worry about that. She will know us and she knows she is loved. 

Some believe that it gets easier as time passes but that isn't true. It just gets different. Last year, I was feeling very empty Easter morning. No baby to make a basket for, no cute dresses to choose from. This Easter, I have all of that with Harper but Avery is still missing and that will never change. Harper is both a distraction and a reminder of all we have and all that is missing. Every holiday we celebrate with Harper helps us to feel like real parents  and we get to start traditions yet every holiday we celebrate reminds us of all the time, milestones, holidays and pictures we are missing out on with Avery. 

Today I am thankful the He is Risen. Today I am reminded that because of Him, one day we will all be together again. And like we are reminded in the book, Heaven is for Real and it's pretty awesome. 

Happy Easter from Harper. 

Save a place for me

This song pretty much sums up how I've been feeling. 21 months and the pain is still fresh, still real and cuts so deeply. Every day I still wake up with only one daughter at home. Every night I go to bed and I only get to kiss one one of them goodnight. Every day, it's like saying goodbye all over again. 

One day, one sweet day we will all be together...until then, I know Avery is saving a place for all of us. 

Save A Place For Me

Matthew West

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad sometimes

'Cause everyday it's sinking in

And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good

To have the weight of this world

Off Your shoulders now

I'm dreaming of the day

When I'm finally there with You

Save a place for me, save a place for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Save a place for me, save some grace for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why

But I guess the answer's for another time

So instead I'll pray with every tear

And be thankful for the time I had You here

So You just save a place for me, save a place for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Save a place for me, save some grace for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there

I wanna live my life just like You did

And make the most of my time just like You did

And I wanna make my home up in the sky

Just like You did, oh, but until I get there

Until I get there

Just save a place for me, save a place for me

'Cause I will be there soon

Save a place for me, save a place for me

I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Don't be mad if I cry

It just hurts so bad

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I was letting Harper listen to some music tonight and pulled up Somewhere Over the Rainbow as sung by the children on Newtown, Connecticut. It's a beautiful rendition of the song.  

http://youtu.be/t1RwCTNdX78

I haven't listened to this song while pregnant but I thought it was fitting for our rainbow, Harper to hear it. While listening to it, I am reminded, once again, that with Harper about to enter our lives, I'm going to be so very torn between two worlds. 

Since losing Avery, I have no fear in death. And while I realize I've known where I am going after I die for sometime now, death was still something I was afraid of. That is until we lost Avery. Since losing her Heaven sounds better than ever. I have no fear of dying. I know when I leave this world I will be in the presence of Jesus and my beautiful daughter. How could I have any fear in that?  But now, Harper changes that a bit. While I'm not scared of dying, I will soon have another daughter who needs me. Here, in this world. Again, I'm being torn between two worlds. Which I realize will be the story of my life. 

The lyrics of this song are so fitting. When I first downloaded this song, I always longed to be the bluebird. To fly over the rainbow and away from this world and into hers.  I would always think, when listening to this song, how great a day it will be when I can finally spread my wings and fly to Avery. But at the same time, I had been praying and dreaming of being a mom again. And I've now been blessed to have that opportunity with Harper. My dream I've been dreaming is becoming reality. Little did I realize, when I first downloaded the song, how torn I would be when my dream was finally coming true. It's quite a challenge wanting to be present in two worlds but only being in one.  To want to stare into the beautiful rainbow but to also fly far away. 

For now, I will aim to soak in the time I'm allowed here in this world with Harper and know that one day, when it's time, I'll be with Avery again and eventually, we will all be together.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

 Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true...

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow, why them, oh why can't I?

If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

See You Again

Most days I can control my breakdowns. I can talk about Avery without the tears falling from my eyes. I can tell her story to strangers and remain strong. I'm at a different place than I was just a few months ago. I'm stronger. But there are times when something completely knocks me down.

I heard a song yesterday for the first time and the tears were instantly soaking my cheeks yet I couldn't bring myself to change the station. Every lyric weighed heavily on my heart. It brought me back to my memories of the day Avery left us and the day of her funeral; when I was forced to say goodbye. But at same time, I found comfort because I know I will see Avery again. She is my light, my stars, my tomorrow and one day we will be together forever. What a song.

See You Again-Carrie Underwood

Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away
But I won’t cry
Cause I know I’ll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow

[Chorus:]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again

I can hear those echoes in the wind at night
Calling me back in time
Back to you
In a place far away
Where the water meets the sky
The thought of it makes me smile
You are my tomorrow

[Chorus:]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again

[Bridge:]
Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I’ll see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, yeah yeah

[Outro:]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
Till I see you again,
Till I see you again,
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone.

Dates and Days of the Week

I've been dreading February and March for sometime now. They are the first months since June where the big dates also fall on the same days of the week they did back in June. These next two months from the 1st - 16th are going to be exceptionally painful.

Since Friday I have been reliving each day and thinking to myself. "8 months ago at this time I was..."

8 months ago today was our last day before we headed to the hospital to be induced.

8 months ago yesterday, Sunday, I went to the hospital for a NST and got to hear Avery's heart beating so beautiful.

8 months ago last Friday, the 1st, we had a little scare when I bled out of nowhere. We went to the hospital in a panic not knowing what was wrong. After a few hours of monitoring they chalked it up to Avery getting ready to make her appearance and my low lying placenta.

8 months ago tonight, I had a restless night of sleep. Excited to be meeting my daughter. I woke up around 3 and sat in the Livingston with a bowl of cereal soaking in the last few peaceful moments I would have with her on the inside.

8 months ago tomorrow we woke early to head to the hospital to be induced. We paced the halls trying to progress my labor while listening the the Black Keys.

8 months ago on Wednesday, our beautiful daughter finally entered the world all 7lbs 15.5 ounces of her with her chubby cheeks and beautiful head of hair. 8 months ago after I was taken from the post OP room, I held her for the first time in the wry early morning hours. I fell in love more deeply than I ever thought possible.

I could go on and on. I can remember so much from this time period 8 months ago. I am trying my best to hold it together but there is something about it being the date and day that is digging the knife in my heart deeper.

I just miss her so much. No matter how many months pass, that will be the one thing that stays the same; my love and longing for her.

I pray for God's continued comfort and strength over these next two weeks. I also pray for everyone who I've meet in the BL community that He would comfort and strengthen you too!

Isaiah 41:10

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

❤

I'm stuck in 3 worlds...

I am simultaneously living (unsuccessfully) in 3 worlds in my mind. Theres the world where I am Avery's mother and she is with me. There's the world I dream to have, the world where I get to be a mom again. And then there's the world I'm stuck in currently.

In the Avery world I cling to every memory of her with a passion I didn't know I had. A passion and love I didn't know was possible. I was a mother. Avery was my purpose in life; a purpose that I don't know I had. She was my everything. I want her back with every fiber of my being. I would do anything to have her back with me. But she's gone and I'm stuck in the land of "should of beens."

Then there's the world I want to be in; the world I dream of. The place where we are blessed with a sibling for Avery. A place where I get to actively be a mommy. In this world, I still miss Avery like crazy but I get to fulfill my purpose in life. A place where I get to see my child grow past 6 days into adulthood and get to experience every milestone in between. A place where hope is restored and happiness found. A place where I share Avery with her sibling and get to mother both of them. This is a place I long for. This place feels the closest to normal I'll ever come close to again. This place is what I long for yet is beyond my current reach.

Then there is the place I am stuck. The place where I am trying to figure out where I belong and how I'm supposed to live now. A place where my career means nothing to me anymore. Where my house is too quiet. Loneliness surrounds me in a room full of people. A place where my husband and I don't know what to do with our free time. A place where I avoid crowds and meeting new people. A place with fewer and fewer people to talk to. A place where all that I want and can't have is thrown in my face everywhere I go. I hate this place. Everything about it feels extremely wrong.

So here I sit stuck somewhere in the middle of all of these places with no idea where I am supposed to be. I can't live forever in my fantasy Avery world and until we come to an agreement and put the fear aside, I cannot move to the world I long to be part of. Yet I cannot find it in myself to fully accept the world I am stuck in. I don't want this world. I loathe this world. I want more. Yet I can't have it and I have zero control over getting to that place in life.

So I'm stuck in 3 worlds, trying to be 3 different people. It's a nightmare, one I can't seem to wake up from. A world where nobody around me gets me anymore. It's a very quiet, very isolating place. Oh what I would do to hit rewind or fast forward. Where's the DVR controller to my life when I need it? If it were only that easy.

All I can do is pray, and pray some more. I try to focus on Romans 8:28 but I'm finding it so hard. I really just wish I could have a glimpse at God's plan and be reassured that happiness will find me again. But life doesn't work that way so today I pray for peace and comfort and hope and patience. I need all of that to help me survive my 3 worlds.

Do you believe in Mom?

I read this on another baby loss mama's blog, http://twinkleoflight.blogspot.com/?m=1. Catherine gave me permission to repost.

In the belly of a pregnant woman, there were two babies. One of them asked the other:
-Do you believe in life after birth?
-Of course. Something must be after birth. Maybe we're here to prepare for what will occur later.
-Nonsense! There is no life after birth. What would that life be like?
-I don't know, but certainly, there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and will eat with our mouths.
-But that's absurd! Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord is the way to eat... I'll tell you one thing... life after birth is out of the question. The umbilical cord is too short.
-Instead I believe there has to be something. And maybe it will be different from what we're used to in here.
-But no one has ever returned from the afterlife, after being born. Birth is the end of life. And ultimately, life is nothing but a distressing existence in the dark that leads us nowhere.
-Well, I don't know exactly how it will be after birth, but surely we'll see MOM and she will take care of us.
-MOM? You believe in MOM? And where do you believe that she is now?
-Where? All around us! We're inside her and it's thanks to her that we're alive. Without her, this whole world would not exist.
-I still don't believe it! I've never seen MOM, so it only makes sense that she doesn't exist.
-Okay, but sometimes, when we're silent, you can hear her or feel that she is caressing our world. You know?... I think there is a real life that awaits us, and that we are only now preparing for it...

What a great illustration for believing in what we cannot see. While we cannot see God, we must trust that He there. He is in control and He is preparing our home for us. Just as we planned and prepared for our Avery, God is planning for us.

Today marks Avery's 7 month birthday. And while I ache so bad today and I still don't get why I don't get to have my amazing daughter with me, I have to trust that she is there with God in Heaven preparing a place for us to join them one day. That hope and trust helps me get through another day.

Hope for 2013

In about 14 hours the nation will be celebrating the closing of 2012 and the beginning of 2013; a chance for many to put a year behind them and look forward to a fresh start, a new beginning with a new year.  I’ve never been big on New Year’s; I’ve never really made resolutions I wanted to stick to, I’ve never wanted a fresh start or to forget the previous year.  This year however, I have very strong feelings about ringing in a new year. 

The start of 2012 was full of excitement.  I was starting to feel less nausea, starting to get that pregnancy glow and really excited for the months to come.  We spent hours making Avery’s room just perfect.  We had doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, the joy of hearing her heartbeat; so much of the beginning of 2012 was about her and us getting ready for her.  May approached and so did our fears about being parents.  We both wanted to be amazing for her.  As May ended, labor neared.  June 5^th-the big day!  We were induced!  Avery had other plans and after laboring for 16 hours, Avery pushed her birthday to June 6^th when she entered this world.  She was perfect!  Our lives were forever changed!  June 8^th, we took our little girl home so full of excitement.  June 9^th the three of us celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary.  We enjoyed 6 amazing days in June.  June 12^th our world was rocked.  Avery left us.  The rest of 2012 is a blur.  But what I do know was the rest of the year was about her too; writing to her, finding ways to remember her, sharing her story, sharing her pictures, etc.  2012 was completely about Avery.

Now time is once again forcing me further away from the time I had with Avery.  I am full of trepidation as the year comes to an end.  I don’t want it to end.  I want to be in 2012, her year, forever.  After thinking about my anxiety over the New Year for a while, I realize that I know 2012 is always going to be her year and even when 2082 rolls around, 2012 will still be her year and no matter how far I am from the time she was here, she will always be with me. 

What I think gets me the most is that 2012 made me realize that life sometimes does not go as you had planned.  We spent so much time planning for Avery, so much time thinking about how we saw our lives turning out and yet here I am, nowhere close to living the life I had planned.  2012 was supposed to be the best year of my life.  I had a plan entering 2012 but God had a different plan.  This in itself scares me. This shakes me to my core.  No matter how much I plan, I realize those plans can be tossed out the window. 

So as 2012 comes to a close and 2013 looms on the horizon, I am scared.  I like to be in control.  I like to have a plan.  I like knowing what to expect.  2012 taught me that I am not in control.  But while I am scared, I also know that I have a God that loves me and wants good for me.  I have a God who wants me to allow Him to be in control. 

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11. 

While I don’t understand God’s plan, I do know that He is in control and His plan is in place.  I should not fear the future knowing this.  God can do more through me that I can do by myself.  2013 looks like a big question mark to me but I know God has a plan and as scary as that is for me, I am working on accepting that.  I pray that I can truly allow God to work through me in 2013 and lead me down the path he has planned.

Some things I hope are part of God’s plan for me in 2013

·         Growing in God’s word

·         Finishing Avery’s memorial playground

·         Finding a SIDS organization to be a part of

·         Focusing on my marriage

·         Getting healthy

I pray each of you who reads this allows God to use you in 2013.

A Haircut with God

I’ve needed to get my hair cut and colored for at least the past 2 months. I don’t really give much thought to my looks anymore but my hair is starting to be more work than it’s worth and I have some big work meetings coming up soon so it really needed to be done. I’ve been dreading going to my normal hair salon as there is a girl there who is pregnant, very pregnant.  She is a nice enough girl but she is one of those that as a BLM you look at and think, really?!  The universe has a funny way of being fair.  I say this not trying to sound judgmental.  She is very nice and I am sure she will make a fine mom, she just is very annoying to me right now and I really don’t want to be in such close quarters with her. 

So, I decided to switch it up and find someone new to do my hair.  I’ve been putting this off because I knew how it would go…

 Hairstylist:  “Hi.” “How are you today?” Me:  “Hi, nice to meet you.  I’m fine” --LIE

Hairstylist:  “What do you do for work?” Me:  “I work, blah, blah, boring, boring.” –NOT SO BAD

Hairstylist:  “Are you married?” Me:  “Yes, I’ve been married for 5 years now, my husband is amazing.” –AN EASY ONE

Hairstylist:  “Do you have any kids?”  Me:  RUN, HIDE, CRY

This is typical talk when you are meeting anyone new and need to make small talk to get a conversation started.  For a normal person, these questions are harmless, I’ve asked them myself.  But to a BLM it can incite fear and panic.  That’s how I’ve felt all day.  I have been so nervous for this appointment.  I even thought about cancelling it (and have once prior).  But against my better judgment, I kept the appointment, put on my fake face and my armor over my heart and headed to the appointment. 

30 Days of Thanks

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, everyone and their mom seems to be participating in the 30 days of thanks on Facebook or on their blogs.  I really like the idea and I even through about taking part but I am in such a dark place, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it and for that I feel like a horrible human being.   

I know I have a lot to be thankful for but the one thing I wanted most isn’t here so I feel like I have nothing.  I am not even sure that makes sense.  Maybe it’s just me not wanting to be happy.  I really don’t know.  I just can’t focus on what I AM thankful for when so much of me is still questioning WHY she is gone.

I’ve questioned God a lot lately.  At first, I felt like a bad Christian for doing this.  I mean, God is God-who questions the creator of Heaven and Earth?  He knows all and has given us so much yet I am left feeling abandoned, crushed and disappointed.  Why would He do this to us? Why would He do this to anyone?  Doesn’t He get how awful this is? How am I supposed to turn to Him, when He could have saved her and didn’t?  Why put me through such a crappy childhood and then give me Avery to carry for 9 months, to hold her for 6 days and get my hopes up that I was going to be able to give her the family/childhood I never had?  Why break our hearts like this?  The truth is I will never know the answers to these questions.  And while I’ve been questioning Him a lot lately and feeling bad for it, yesterday our counselor reminded me that there is nothing wrong with questioning.  He is our Heavenly Father and like earthly fathers, we are allowed to question.  She reminded me that even though I feel a million miles away from Him, He is still there and is listening to me through my anger and tears.  And while He isn’t giving me answers, He is listening.  And for some reason, that makes me feel just a little bit better.

10,000 Reasons

Since we lost Avery, certain songs just resonate with me. This is one of my more recent favorites. The title is, “10,000 Reasons” and it’s by Matt Redman. Every time I hear it, I am in tears by the end.

I think it hits me so hard because there are many days when all I do is question God. It doesn’t make sense to me that he would allow this pain to happen to so many families and it probably never will. Why allow conception in the first place if this is the outcome? But, I know that even though I don’t understand and I may not agree with this, God is in control and He is good (even when it’s hard to believe).

Without Him, I know I wouldn’t be in the place I am today and for that I am thankful. Without my faith in Him, I also wouldn’t have the hope that I have. The Hope that brings me peace, that one day, I will be with Avery again and this time, it will be forever-10,000 years and then forever more. Through this hard time, I still try to sing God’s praises as this song says, even on days like today when I just want to hide in bed all day.

More signs

One of the hardest parts about life without Avery is getting back into a routine and doing activities we did before her.  Everything we do just doesn’t feel right.  Everything we do should be done with her or differently than before she was born but she isn’t here and we have to continue living life.  It was with much trepidation that I accompanied my husband Friday night to the first game for the fall Church League Softball season.   Last time I went to a softball game, I was a blimp.  The last time I went to a game, I was 37 weeks pregnant full of life, hope and joy.  I didn’t watch much of the last few games of the spring season as I was too busy talking about babies with the other moms at the field.  Not only was I excited for Avery’s arrival but so were they.  We anticipated starting the fall season off with a stroller and an almost 4 month old.  That was not how it went Friday.

Friday, the start of the season, looked like it did this time last year from the outside.  This time last year I didn’t know I was pregnant, the Florida heat was still in full effect and there I was toting along my chair to watch my husband play softball.  On the outside Friday looked just like it did this time last year but inside it felt SO VERY WRONG.  I knew it would be trying returning there without her, I felt so empty.  But as we were walking up, I noticed the most beautiful sight.  In a perfect blue sky, with no rain in sight, shining down on the fields were two amazing rainbows.  Every time I see a rainbow, I think of my baby girl smiling down on me from Heaven.  I took a picture and started to feel a little less anxious about the fact that the season was starting off completely different than I had planned last May.  It warmed my heart and reassured me that I could make it through.  I find strength from these signs I feel God sends down to me from my daughter.  Little did I know as we were walking to the field how much these 2 rainbows would symbolize.

God's perfect timing

It’s bittersweet; her headstone is finally placed at her graveside.  It’s is beautiful.  We are very blessed to have known the man who created the stone for her.  He did an amazing job.  The stone stands out, just like she would have.  It adds even more beauty to the part of the cemetery in which she is buried.  I am so thankful that the stone is finally there; marking her resting place for the entire world to see.  For the last 3 plus months, her place has been marked by a plant and a few pretty pin wheels that someone placed there for her.  I am glad to see that her space finally looks official.  But I also know this is one of the last few things I get to do for my daughter.  I should have a lifetime of buying her things but instead I am purchasing a piece of granite to mark the burial place for my 6 day old daughter. 

The timing of the headstone being placed is perfect.  For the past several weeks I have been anxiously awaiting her headstone and her autopsy results.  As always, God’s timing on placing her headstone was perfect.  I received a call from the Medical Examiner’s office today.  They were calling to let me know all the results from the tests they conducted were back and as soon as the Examiner reviewed everything and finalized the report they could release the results to us.  They were at least able to tell me the results indicate an actual cause, that it would not be ruled as SIDS.  Receiving this news put me in a tailspin. 

A future lost, a present full of anger and bitterness

And just like that, she’s been gone for 3 whole months and I am still full of questions, still waiting for answers, still full of a variety of emotions.

I’ve been dreading today.  It’s been a quarter of a year since she has been in Heaven, a whole trimester of pregnancy. I dread today because it brings back the memories of that day.  Memories I try to block out most days.  I remember every detail of that awful day like it just happened yesterday.  The details of that horrible day are permanently burned into my mind.  I can see it all so clear.  That day, that morning changed my life forever.  In an instant, I was a changed woman.

I went from a tired but ecstatic first time mom, figuring out the best techniques for breastfeeding and charting every feeding and diaper change to a grieving mom.  A mother who was just told her baby was gone, a mother who found out that the life she saw in the future, a life where she watched her baby girl take her first steps, say her first words, start school, go away to college, get married and have babies of her own was gone and never coming back.   A mother whose heart crumbled to a million pieces in that moment, pieces that will never be found, a heart that will never be complete again.  My life, our future, our little girl was gone just like that and we couldn’t do anything to change it.  We left the hospital in shock, completely lost. 

Happy 3 Month Birthday Baby Girl

Today my little girl turns 3 months old in Heaven and not in my arms.  The past 3 months have gone excruciatingly slow yet I cannot believe it’s already been 3 months since I gave birth to a little miracle.  3 months ago I was enjoying by far the best day of my life.  I am overcome by so many emotions today.  I am full of “should bes” and sadness.  I should be taking pictures of her today to track her growth in photos and I should be journaling what she’s accomplished, her habits, personality, etc.  I have so many “should be” moments that will never become a reality for Avery and me.  Today, I could focus on the sadness of marking her 3 months without her but today, I am choosing to remember the good and focus on the positive.  My daughter, who only lived 6 days, impacted me in ways I never realized possible.  Today, and hopefully every monthly birthday, I will focus on the good that came to be because of my beautiful, precious daughter.

Avery has…

This is not where I belong

This song has really hit home since losing Avery.  The first time I heard it since she left us, I was on my way to visit the cemetery for the first time by myself.  It came on the radio and I just listened and cried.  This world truly isn't where I belong and I realize that now more than ever.

Reality and Faith

I like to be able to solve problems.  It’s something I do on a daily basis at work.  I always have an open ear to my friends and try to lend helpful advice.  You lose your job-it’s ok; you’ll find a better one.  Relationship troubles-they will pass.  Family drama-give it some time and then talk about it.  But this problem I cannot solve, I can’t fix. 

Avery is gone and she isn’t coming back.  Nobody can fix it, nothing I do or anyone else does will ever bring her back.  The finality of it all really hits me hard.  There’s normally a light at the end of the tunnel, some solution to offer, words to help comfort, but nothing, I mean NOTHING is going to make this all go away (well at least nothing in this world).

The fact that my daughter, who I planned, carried, gave birth to, brought home and mothered for 6 days is no longer here absolutely kills me.  Yet, this is my reality; I have to live with reality this for the rest of my life.  There is no solution, this problem isn’t temporary, and it won’t resolve itself.  The finality of it all is almost impossible for me to wrap my mind around.