Illuminate: Letter Hunt-Embrace

 

My goal over the next year is to embrace life.  The past 10 months have taught me that no amount of planning can keep your future going as you imagined.  A year ago today, I would have told you I would be planning a one year olds birthday party, I would be entering into toddler territory and I would be mothering my daughter.  So much can change in a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year.

This past year has left me battered, bruised and scarred yet I’ve survived.  I find it hard to hold on to hope that things will go as I imagine, I find it hard to trust that things will be OK, I find it hard to look forward to anything, I find it hard to imagine my future.  In the last 10 months, I feel I’ve lost so much of who I am.  Some parts I will never find again but others are slowly coming back to me.  I can see beauty again and smile without guilt.  It’s hard to look to the future because I am so afraid of being hurt again.

A year from now I would love to have the joy back in my life that Avery brought to me.  I would love to have a sibling for Avery to watch over.  I would love to get to be a mom again.  There is A LOT standing between me and where I would love to be.  To get to that place, I need to face my fears and embrace them.  I need to embrace the fact that I am not in control.  I need to embrace my faith and turn my worries over to God.  I need to embrace hope, hope that I will feel that joy again.  I need to embrace my sorrow, tears and grief as reminders of my deep, never ending love for Avery.  I need to embrace every joyful time and the challenging times. 

A year from now, I hope to be able to look back and say that whatever the year has brought me, I have fully embraced each second, minute, hour, day, week and month that I am given.  Whether or not my life looks the way that I imagine, I hope to embrace every moment for the good and bad.  We are only given one life, and the only way to fully live it is to embrace every moment. 

Illuminate Week 3: 100 steps

This week’s lesson involved taking 100 steps and creating a photo wherever it is you end up.  This assignment forced me to open my eyes to the little things that are before us every day but easily overlooked.  This assignment has helped me to continue to find beauty in everyday life.  My 100 steps generally were within my own home/property.  All taken on different days.

Today, I am grateful for…

…the ability to find beauty all around me, there was a time not so long ago that I could find no beauty in life;

…the symbolism in the items I photographed in this assignment, I like to think of them as gifts from Avery;

…taking this course which is helping me branch out, think outside the box and allowing me to put my energy into something which is truly helping me heal.

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting - a wayside sacrament." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

A heart rock found on the sidewalk.  Taken with my I-phone

 

3 heart leaves found in the rocks in my front yard, one for each of us in our
little family.  Taken with my I-phone.

 

A cardinal and it's nest, in my backyard.  I had never
noticed the nest until the bird flew in front of me.
As I took the picture, my husband said, "you know
they say cardinals are signs that your loved ones
are thinking about you." Didn't know that.  Thanks
Avery!  Taken with my point and shoot.

 

My dog's perspective on life.  He's always taking in the beauty of life. 
Taken with my point and shoot

 

 

Illuminate: Week 2-Finding my light

 

“Darkness is only driven out with light, not more darkness.”-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Finding light after loss is very difficult. For a long time I felt surrounded by nothing but darkness.  How could I find light when my daughter, the light of my world, was no longer in my arms?  Darkness was a place I hid out in for quite sometime.  Anger, bitterness, loneliness surrounded me.  I could not find happiness when my heart was missing a huge piece.  I could not find light when my world had fallen apart.

I heard over and over that God was with us and as much as I wanted to believe it, I still didn't understand why my life had taken this turn. Darkness was my world.  And while I still don't understand why children are taken from their parents, I do know that I have found light and hope through faith.  My faith is in God and without my faith and belief in Jesus; I would have no hope in seeing Avery again one day.

 

Because of God's word, I've begun to see glimpses of light in my still dark world.

John 8:12-“Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, ‘I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.’”

Psalm 119:105-“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

God’s word promises me light even in my darkest times.  It also promises me that one day, I will be with my daughter again.  Knowing that one day I will wake up and be with my daughter is the greatest hope I can imagine. This world is full of darkness by my light waits for me in Heaven. One day this darkness will be gone forever. Until that day, I will focus on the light I have here, the light of the word of God.

 

The verse that has spoken to us the most since losing Avery,
circled by my Avery bracelet that has the verse on it.

 

 

 

 

Illuminate: Week 1

The following post is my first assignment in the online photography course, Illuminate.  To find our more about the course and its instructor, fellow babyloss mom, Beryl, click here.