2nd Birthday

Avery's 2nd birthday and anniversary came and went. This year I honestly was in a fog during that time. I wanted to show her how much we love and miss her. It at the same time, missing her is still exhausting and I really wanted to just get it over with. I know that sounds horrible. But I think I just wanted to prevent that this wasn't happening...again. Again we were buying pink decorations, balloons and having a cake made for our daughter who isn't even here. It's so unfair. All I want is to be stressed out over wrangling her, invites, family, friends, good, presents-all the craziness that planning a birthday party entails. But instead, I plan a memorial birthday, slightly worried that people will think we are crazy and that nobody will celebrate with us. 

But once again we were beyond blessed with all of the friends and family that came to celebrate her birthday with us. We sent balloons to her in Heaven and had a beautiful cake for her. This year everyone chipped in to have her name included on the new Angel of Hope monument being placed an hour north of us. Her grave was beautifully decorated by my best friends yet again this year. It really was a beautiful day.

For her birthday week we encouraged many to perform RAOK in her memory from the 6th - 12th. Once again I was blown away from how far Avery reached people. From the west to east coast of the US, Canada and in between, we heard from those, who even though they had never met Avery, were touched by her story. Finding positive focus during such a hard week really helped me through. 

The 12th was once again the worse day, well actually it really was the 11th. There is something about knowing that on that day just two years before, she was still with us, still in our arms. It's still so hard to wrap my head around how fast things can flip upside down. Nothing is guaranteed. Life is not predictable. And that day is the ever constant reminder of the fragility of life.

Now we enter another year without her. More holidays, more family events, more emptiness. This year I will strive to bring more good into this world, to keep her legacy going and to be the best mom to my two beautiful girls. 

Bleeding Heart

And just like that, we are a week away from Avery's birthday. Her 2nd birthday. Her second birthday spent in Heaven. How is it that's it's been 2 years already? It just doesn't seen possible. 

And with June only a day away now, I'm back in 2012.  Remembering and reliving the last week of my pregnancy. The sweet time I had with Avery in my arms and that awful morning. I'm still in shock that at this time just 2 years ago life seemed so perfect. Little did I know how upside my world would turn in less than 2 weeks. 

These days leading up to her birthday and angelversary are hell. The thin, fragile stitches I've been able to slowly sew over the gaping hole in my heart to keep from completely bleeding out are unraveling. My wounds are splitting open all over again. The pain feels so fresh, so raw like its 2012 all over again. 

I want nothing more than to crawl in bed, cover the windows and spend the next two weeks hiding from the real world and just let the pain have it's way. As crazy as that may sound, it would be so much easier just to wallow in my pain than try to hide it. It's absolutely exhausting to function when your heart is being broken all over again; to put on a smile, to go through the motions of life when all you want to do is hit rewind and go back. 

I know I cannot go back, I can only go forward. I have to let my heart bleed but I also have to keep working to mend the wound so I don't bleed out. Somehow, even through a bleeding heart, I am surviving. Even if these next 2 weeks feel like they will tear me apart, I've learned over the past 2 years, they won't. 

Every day, I miss her. Every day, it hurts. Every day, my heart bleeds. Yet every day, I'm surviving. 

Connecting and Healing through Blogging

As June approaches my mind has a way of more frequently wandering back; back to the days we had Avery, the day we lost her and those long days, weeks and months that followed where life was so dark. This morning as I sit feeding Harper before the sub rises, I am brought back to those dark, sleepless nights. 

It was maybe a few weeks after and sleeping at night was awful. Every time we laid down, I was reminded of our last night with her. Going to bed, laying there in the quiet was too much. No matter how hard I would try, the sobs would come. Eventually I would try to control myself long enough so that my husband could fall asleep but once he did, they were back. I would lay and cry for hours on end.

One night I remember grabbing my tablet and just searching for anything related to baby loss online. I wanted and needed to connect with people who had been in my shoes. I wanted to see people surviving this. And I wanted to know I wasn't alone. Eventually, I came across the Faces of Loss page and found hundreds of blogs. Stories of women who had been exactly where I was, their pain and heartache spilled out across the pages of their blogs. Their innermost thoughts coming across my screen. So many of their words, I could have written myself. The guilt, the anger, the overwhelming emptiness-they had felt it too. 

I somehow felt less alone. I spent the entire night reading blogs from beginning to end. From that night forward for weeks, I passed my nights by staying up reading story after story of babies gone too soon. These women who I had never met were helping me get through night after night without Avery.  I would pass my darkest hours lost in their words. 

I don't know why today I was reminded of this. Those nights were long but through these stories a little light began to peek through the dark. Friendships were made that are irreplaceable. And because of these women, most of whom I've never met, I slowly began to find my way again. Taking life one day at a time. I am so thankful we live in a age of technology, where we can express ourselves, share our stories and connect with total strangers. Without it, I don't know where I would be. 

Thank you blogged mamas for helping me get through day by day!

23 Months

23 months since the worse day of my life.

23 months since I held her last.

23 months since she took her last breath, laying there in her bassinet right beside me.

23 months since I rocked her to sleep.

23 months since I awoke to a nightmare.

23 months of learning to breathe without her.

23 months of living with this gaping hole in my heart.

23 months of waking up without her and going to bed without her.

23 months living the life I did not plan.

I cannot believe in one short month, she should be 2. There is not a day that has passed in the last 23 months where I did not miss her with every ounce of my heart.  There is not a day that goes by when I don't think about how much different I thought my life would be today. There is not a day that goes by that my heart doesn't ache for her. 23 months without her, it just doesn't seem possible.

This next month is going to be full of so many emotions. Milestones always are. Part of me wants to hurry up and get past it and the other part of me feels extremely guilty for feeling that way. As if I'm rushing to get past her. Part of me wants to run away and be far away from normal life those days. And then the other part of me feels guilty if we don't celebrate her birthday with friends and family.  All of me however, just wants to make her happy, to make sure she feels loved and to make sure she knows we remember her always.

You would think after 2 years, I would be less confused over how to feel and what to do for these milestones but truthfully, that will never happen. This journey never will  be easy and it will always be confusing because of the love we have for her. One year celebrating may bring us joy and another it may bring us more pain. I will have to take each milestone as it comes. I need to remind myself to go easy on my heart. There is no right or wrong, only what feels the best at that time.

I wish I weren't on this path. I wish, the decision for this milestone was what theme she wanted for her party not how to remember her brief life.  The journey is never ending because my love for her is never ending. And I have to remind myself of that daily.

Easter a reminder that Heaven is for Real

I've always been a procrastinator.  I thought maybe having Harper here would change that a bit--WRONG! I ordered her Easter basket from Etsy over 6 weeks ago but didn't give much thought as to what I would put in the basket. So I decided yesterday, I should probably go get a few things to put in it. But seriously, she's 3 months old, what do you give a baby? Especially one who has so much already!9 As I was browsing Target's baby section, a book in the next section over caught my eye. There, sitting at then end of an aisle, was a big yellow book, just calling my name. Heaven is for Real for Kids was place just right and instantly I knew it was the perfect gift. 

This may seem like an odd book for a baby and she certainly won't understand for a few years but I was so excited for the placement of this book. I wouldn't have sought it out as an Easter present but it was perfect. A book reminding us of all that we have waiting for us because of what Jesus did for us. How fitting for Easter. Thankfully, I had enough sense not to read it until I got home. And oh what I book. 

It's written perfectly for kids to understand that Jesus loves them and what Heaven is like. (SPOILER ALERT). The part that got me the most was when he talks about how he gets to meet his big sister for the first time and how she wouldn't stop hugging him. (Oh, be still my heart). The thought of Avery knowing Harper already is overwhelmingly beautiful. Even though she hasn't met her little sister yet, she knows her and loves her. And one day, one day I pray is many, many, many years away, she will know her when they finally meet. But not only that, it reminds me that she will know us too. 

I always worry that in her six days, she was too small to know us and understand who we are to her. I've always worried she didn't know our love enough. But this book, like the adult version, reminds me that I don't have to worry about that. She will know us and she knows she is loved. 

Some believe that it gets easier as time passes but that isn't true. It just gets different. Last year, I was feeling very empty Easter morning. No baby to make a basket for, no cute dresses to choose from. This Easter, I have all of that with Harper but Avery is still missing and that will never change. Harper is both a distraction and a reminder of all we have and all that is missing. Every holiday we celebrate with Harper helps us to feel like real parents  and we get to start traditions yet every holiday we celebrate reminds us of all the time, milestones, holidays and pictures we are missing out on with Avery. 

Today I am thankful the He is Risen. Today I am reminded that because of Him, one day we will all be together again. And like we are reminded in the book, Heaven is for Real and it's pretty awesome. 

Happy Easter from Harper. 

Back to Work

Monday marks the end of my maternity leave. And I am absolutely dreading it. If you would have asked me my feelings about being a stay at home mom before Avery was born, my response would have been that it's not for me. Prior to June of 2012, I was very much career driven. I would never been able to imagine staying home with my kids all day. I thought I would go stir crazy. At that time, I very much found a lot of my identity in my work. It was part of who I was. 

Going back to work after losing Avery was hard. She gave me a brief glimpse into motherhood. Returning to work after losing her was wrong in so many ways. It wasn't the return I imagined. I was back sooner than planned and on the outside nothing had changed. I got up alone, got ready alone and left the house alone. It was just wrong. She should have been there with me, I should have been stressing about getting both of us ready, I should have been taking a different route to work to drop off at daycare. Mentally, I was checked out. I didn't want to be there. I had no focus, no drive, I was still grieving deeply and beyond exhausted. Over time, I got back into the swing of work. But my heart never fully was back into it. Work no longer held my identity like it had in the past. I was no longer driven mainly by work, it was no longer who I was. Instead I became a mix of career and bereaved mother. 

Now with Harper my mindset has changed so much more. I would give up my career in a second to be a stay at home mom. To be one of those moms who goes to mommy and me groups, to be one of those moms who has time to make my own baby food, to spend all day with Harper-loving her, teaching her and watching her grow. No part of me is ready to go back. I feel so guilty that I'm leaving her. I'm so overwhelmed with anxiety about returning, I've been making myself sick. I. Don't. Want. To. Go. 

Never would I have imagined I would lose my drive for my career. But truth be told, I have. Going back is going to be the hardest thing I've done since we had to say bye to Avery. I don't know how I'm going to get through each day. I don't know how I will stay focused and do the level and quality of work I once did. I don't know how I'll leave her every morning. I don't know if I'll be able to put in long hours or handle the stress like I use to. That's not who I am anymore. I'm no longer, Crystal the HR professional. Now, I'm Crystal, the mother of two amazing girls. 

I know so many women balance work and motherhood but as I sit here, holding my sleeping rainbow, I really worry about losing this time with her. There aren't enough hours in the day already and now I'll be spending 8+ hours a day away from this precious girl. 

Motherhood has changed me yet again and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just hope both of my girls know that I do it for them. 

22 Months

Avery's 2nd birthday is 2 months from yesterday. How is that even possible? It still feels like it was just yesterday I was pregnant with her. Yet at the same time it's been 2 long years. Many say time heals all wounds, if that were the case, (which I know it isn't), how much time is supposed to heal a wound like this? For those who believe this trite statement, I can confidently tell you, It's been 2 years and the pain is still very real, I am not healed. 

Yesterday a song came on the radio and it brought me right back to the early days after Avery died. The days where it hurt to breathe and I wanted to hide under the covers everyday. Almost two years, and the pain is still very much present. My heart is broken still and it aches and longs for her. Every. Single. Day. 

Last night I internally debated if I would have rather known what was going to happen on her 6th day. Would I have been any more prepared to deal with the heartache? Would I have lived in each moment more, absorbing each and every second we were given? Or would I have been so overwhelmed with knowing what was coming that I would have just been worrying the whole time, plagued with what was coming? I'm sure parents who've lost have felt this way too. Those who knew their time was short I'm sure have thought about how it would have been if they didn't know and others like me wonder how they would have done more had they known. After debating scenarios in my head, I snapped out if it. The truth is, neither scenario is better because in the end, we are still without a huge piece of our hearts. 

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I've just rambled. I still feel so lost without Avery. And it's really starting to hit me that her birthday is quickly approaching. Another year has flown by without her here. Another year of missed milestones. Another year of living through the pain. 

Time does not heal, it just pushes us further away from what we had but closer to one day being back together. 

One day. 

One day we will reunite. 

One day we will reunite and be a complete family again. 

Until that time, my heart will ache and that piece marked Avery will always be missing.