August 19th: Day of Hope

This weekend my good friend and I spent some time making beautiful prayer flags in memory of our daughters. I've never been crafty so I am always pleasantly surprised when I do a decent job. Avery has given me the inspiration to craft and I have to say it is very therapeutic.

Monday was the International Day of Hope, a day for remembering all of our babies gone too soon.   A day aimed at breaking the silence and a day to remind us that there is still hope. I am so very thankful that I truly have hope in the knowledge that one day I will be with my little girl again. And that hope gets me through each morning that I wake up without her and each night when I go to bed with her only in my heart.

14 Months

14 Months...

At first I remember counting the days and then the days turned to weeks and the weeks into months. Hitting double digits was hard. But I truly cannot believe its been 14 months since this beauty was born.  So full of life and love. Changing us forever. 

14 Months...

I miss those days we had. I miss the feeling of her in my arms, I miss how I had to rub her cute chubby cheeks when she nursed to keep her from falling asleep, I miss running my fingers through her hair, I miss the sound of her ear piercing cry, I miss watching my husband hold her and look at her with such love, I miss how it felt to be a family of three for those six days. 

14 Months...

Of feeling so incredibly empty on the sixth of each month, of longing to know what life would have been like if she was still here, of trying to picture her crawling, walking, talking, of heartache and tears, of trying to figure out how to live life, of finding ways to keep her memory alive. 

14 Months...

And so many more to come. 

Happy 14 Months Sweet Girl! We love and miss you so very much. 

Rainbows

"A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

For those of you who don't know me in real life or stalk me on Facebook (stalking is what Facebook is for, right?) we found out in May that we are expecting our rainbow, Avery's little brother or sister, in January. 

Since going public with this news, I have received lots of support and encouragement. But I also get the impression from many outside of the baby loss community, that now that I have some "good news," I should be able to get over the loss of Avery. I'd like to set the record straight on this and  say that the news of our rainbow does not mean the clouds and storm are over, or that they never happened, it just means we have a little more hope and light coming our way. 

What some may not understand is that nothing will ever fill the hole Avery left. No matter how many rainbows we have, the chamber marked Avery in my heart will never be full.  It will always beat for her and always be incomplete. To say this baby will make it all better and the bad days go away is nonsense.  It would be like a second time parent forgetting their first born just because a second baby arrives. Your heart doesn't replace the space your other children take up, it expands and allows more love in. 

Also, while we are overjoyed at the thought of having another baby to hold in our arms, I am now very much aware of how much can and DOES go wrong during pregnancy and infancy. Just because I'm pregnant and I have made it into the fictional "safe zone," does not guarantee me a baby come January. Nor does it guarantee that this time next year, I'll have a happy 7 month old at home. Truth is, nobody knows what is going to happen. That's a lesson I've learned all too well. The ignorant bliss I experienced with Avery is long gone. I find myself making a lot of "if" statements. "If I make it full term," "if we bring the baby home," "if we have a baby this time next year." And I honestly, feel like an awful mom for feeling that way.  Slowly, I am starting to allow myself to connect with the baby, plan for the baby, etc but doubt still clouds my thoughts. My innocence was lost that awful morning. 

Please don't get me wrong, we are very excited to get a chance to be parents again. To hopefully bring home a child that we get to have and hold for many years to come. To watch take their first steps, cross that graduation stage and one day get married.  We are thrilled to one day share Avery with her sibling and know that they will keep her memory alive long after we are gone. We look forward to being able to be parents to more than a grave and a memory of a child. We look forward to sleepless nights yet as we get further along with this pregnancy, Avery's absence is felt stronger than it has been felt in a long time. 

We are entering into a whole new phase of grief. It is hard to handle excitement and hope when your heart is still so very broken. I am constantly reminded of everything I didn't get with Avery and I find my heart aching in new ways.  I am reminded that I should have a 13 month old at home. I am constantly reminded that while I am already a mom yet I still feel clueless to the whole parenting thing. We only had 6 days with Avery and only 4 of those days were at home. I don't know how to soothe gas pains or teething pains. I don't know the best diapers.  There is so much I don't know about being a mom and yet I'm becoming a mom for the second time. 

I'm afraid of how I will mother both of my children when one is here and another one is in heaven.  I'm afraid Avery's memory will fade. I'm afraid this baby will live in Avery's shadow. I'm so afraid of heartbreak again. 

So while yes, this baby does bring hope to our lives, it does not negate Avery's existence. It does not replace Avery or the missing puzzle piece in our lives. This baby, like any second child, simply adds to and expands our lives an our hearts. And we are very thankful to have another miracle coming our way. 

Where is the Justice?

I'm sure I will catch some heat for this post and I'm ok with that. Unless you are living under a rock, I'm sure you've caught some news on the big murder trial taking place here  in Florida. The trial is taking place 45 minutes from our home and we, like all Americans, have been inundated with news surrounding this trial.  Last night the jury came back with their verdict and the news erupted again. Everyone is talking about this case, it's all over the news, everyone on Facebook has an opinion, celebrities and leaders are expressing their views. I'm not writing this post to discuss the details surrounding this case or give my opinion. I'm writing to express my disgust with our nation. 

I spent the day yesterday at a fundraiser for a local group that supports families of loss with care packs. The leader of this group carried her son to term knowing he would pass soon after birth due to a medical condition. This event was full of families like mine whose lives are forever changed by the loss of their perfect, innocent babies. It was great to see so many supporting a worthwhile cause and heartbreaking to see the many faces of loss including young children missing their siblings.  I left the event with a renewed sense of purpose; more needs to be done in support of our families. 

This evening we were then flooded with the news of this trial. People are protesting, calling for change by politicians, getting angry and upset over this case. And I sit here thinking how wrong it seems that so much focus is on ONE case when there are THOUSANDS of babies dying every year without a true explanation. Where is the anger and outrage over this? Where is the nationwide call for change? Where us the justice for these babies and their families?

The news media focuses on so much negative; a robbery, a shooting a crash yet in the United States there are 26,000 stillbirths, 600,000 miscarriages and 4,500 sudden unexplained infant deaths annually. 

These statistics are outrageous yet how often do you see stories on the news about pregnancy or infant loss? How often do you hear celebrities tweeting about it? How often do your friends post on Facebook about it?

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just being sensitive but to maybe if more people cried out in anger at these statistics the government, our leaders, the medical world, our nation as a whole would spend more time and energy working on ways to reduce these numbers. After all, these aren't just statistics, these are our children who will forever be missing from our families. 

I'll get off my soapbox. Again, I do not write this to be insensitive to those directly involved in this case. I do not write this to express my views on the case but rather to point out yet again that 1:4 pregnancies end in loss and are swept under the rug. I really hope that we can see changes occur surrounding loss, more support given to families if loss and medically improvements and cures are found. Let's break the taboo and work to find ways to truly prevent SIDS, miscarriages, stillbirths and other causes of infant loss. 

This is my life

Today is just one of those days.  They come less than they use to but they still are here.  It started last night.  As I was walking into my bedroom, it hit me, Avery is gone.  Still.  Some days it just really hits me that this is my life; this is my reality.  Avery is gone and I cannot change it.  She was here one minute and gone the next.  She lived, she existed and now she is gone.  It’s not that I don’t know this each and every day.  I do.  I wake up every morning missing her and go to bed each night missing her.  But some days, it really just sinks in.

Today was one of those days where it started first thing and the tears were uncontrollable.  I tried to go to work but I could not focus on anything else.  On days like today, I do not function well.  Even in writing this, I am having trouble putting my thoughts down.  I held it together so well for her birthday and even on the anniversary of her passing; I think it all finally caught up with me. 

As strong as I try to be, as much as I try to do in her name, there will always be days like today where I am left in disbelief that this is my life. 

A year ago today...

A year ago today we heard the doctor say, "we are very sorry, we tried everything we could..." And instantly our world came crashing down. We had hope as we sat there praying she would be all right but with those words we lost all hope. We lost our future. We lost everything. 

A year ago today, the unimaginable became our reality. I cannot even begin to put into words the devastation you feel when you lose a child. My world stopped, my heart broke into pieces and nothing made sense anymore. My life as I knew it ended that morning in the hospital. 

A year ago today, I was numb. I was in shock. I spent many months simply going through the motions of life. I never thought I would feel any sort of joy or happiness again. 

At some point in the last year, I had to change my outlook on life. I could no longer allow myself to simply be numb. I could not allow myself to let life pass me by. Yes, life as I knew it up until the morning of June 12, 2012 was never coming back. I don't get that life back. But I do still have life to live. It's not the life I had planned but its the one I've been given. 

Over the past year, days have gotten easier.  Tears come leas often. And smiles more frequent. The pain is all still very real and part of every day but somehow we are learning to live with the pain. 

I try to find beauty in every day. Life is so incredibly fragile, not a moment should be wasted. Most days I am successful at this, others I allow the pain to still have a grip on me.  This will be a constant in my life now. I will always battle living the life I've been given and only wanting to be in the one I had. 

I will miss my beautiful daughter every day for the rest of my life but I am so thankful that one day we will be together again. Until that day, I will see her in the beauty of the ocean, the hope of a rainbow and the in the peace of a fluttering butterfly.

Today is very overwhelming. I am thankful for my husband taking me away to the beautiful island of Saint Thomas to escape the pain of waking up in our own bed this morning. Listening to the sea is very calming. There is so much beauty here I feel Avery with us everywhere we go. 

She was definitely with us this morning during breakfast. We were up early talking about how it was very close to the time they have us the awful news and  just then a beautiful butterfly appeared over the sea. Avery was there smiling down on us, letting us know she loves us too.  Reminding us to smile even in the pain. 

We love you more and more very day sweet Avery. Until we meet again, we will carry you with us every where we go. 

A butterfly flying across the sea this morning. 

Rain, rain go away, it's almost Avery's birthday

Avery's birthday is less than 4 hours away. And to add to the weight of tomorrow it seems as if all of my plans to honor and celebrate my baby girl are going to be ruined. 

We planned to all gather at her playground, Avery's Place in the evening. To allow the children in the family some time to play. We planned to do cupcakes outside at the playground. I planned to do a balloon release as the sun was setting and a floating lantern as the night took over. And it seems as if we will be rained out thanks to an unusually early tropical storm.

And while it may not seem like a big deal, it is tearing me apart. I already don't get to throw the party I want. I already have to celebrate my daughters birth without her. So much about this next week is just so incredibly wrong and now the one thing I was excited for, is ruined. Isn't that just fitting-nothing in life goes as I have planned. 

I'm beside myself. I know I cannot control the weather but I feel like such a disappointment. I don't even know if I'll be able to spend time with her at the cemetery. I know life could be a lot worse, I get that, but I really just wanted tomorrow to be perfect. Please pray for clearing skies so I can try to salvage some of our plans, so that u can feel like I can give my girl some sort of party.