SIDS-It wasn't our fault!

I feel the need to start this post by stating my intention. This post is intended to inform not criticize lack of knowledge. 

It was recently brought to my attention that people still question the facts surrounding Avery's death. Specifically, the reason for it and whether or not Eddy and I were to blame in any way. At first I was extremely upset and angry that people could question this. The thought that anyone would possibly think we did anything wrong absolutely killed me. However, after thinking it over and removing my emotions from the situation, I've come to realize, these questions are based from ignorance and a true lack if knowledge not real judgement. People want cause and effect.  They want to know what caused Avery to no longer be here. After all, there has to be a reason right? Babies don't just due! WRONG! And if you aren't educated about SIDS or know that was ruled the cause of her death, I can see how you may have questions. So, let me take a minute to provide some education. 

First, let me start by saying again, the medical cause of Avery's passing was ruled SIDS by the medical examiner.  SIDS stands for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. SIDS is found to be the cause of death in infants after a thorough investigation into the death, including full medical examination and full police investigation is completed. SIDS is ruled the cause of death when there is no other explanation for the passing.  This means all other reasons for the death are ruled out including health/medical reasons, suffocation, accident, etc. 

There was nothing found physically wrong with Avery that caused her death medically. She was otherwise healthy. There was also nothing found as part of the police investigation which involved individual questioning of Eddy and myself and an investigation of our home, including her sleeping area. Therefore, it was ruled that this did not happen because of something we did. We are in no way at fault for her death. 

Unfortunately, they don't know what causes SIDS yet so there is no absolute way to prevent it from happening. There is lots of research being conducted to find the cause with most recent evidence pointing to a chemical imbalance in the brain stem. Because they still don't know what SIDS actually is, there are no tests or cures. There are only some guidelines for things to help lower the SIDS risk, but they do not 100% prevent SIDS.

These prevention include placing the baby on their back to sleep, sleeping the baby in the parents room but in their own sleep area, eliminating loose pillows, blankets, breastfeeding, eliminating exposure to cigarette smoke and leaving a fan on in the room. We took every precaution given with Avery and yet, it still happened to us. Again, there is no way to prevent SIDS 100%. 

As you can see, SIDS is still a big mystery but under no circumstances was Avery's death in any way something we did or something we could have prevented. Please remember this when dealing with families of SIDS deaths. As hard as it may be to wrap your head around the lack of cause, it's even more difficult for parents. Not a day goes by that we still don't wonder why and what if even though we know we couldn't have changed anything. We don't need the extra scrutiny from others looking down on us as if we did something wrong. Instead, we need support and love. 

I'll end this post with some other quick facts from the CJ Foundation for SIDS:

SIDS claims the lives of almost 2,500 infants in the US each year - that's nearly 7 babies every day.

SIDS deaths occur unexpectedly and quickly to apparently healthy infants, usually during periods of sleep.

SIDS is not caused by suffocation, choking, or smothering.

SIDS is not caused by child abuse or neglect.

SIDS is not contagious.

SIDS occurs in families of all races and socioeconomic levels.

SIDS cannot be predicted or prevented and can claim any baby, in spite of parents doing everything right.

This website has lots of good information:  http://www.cjsids.org. 

She's Here

Harper Isla Hanson was born via scheduled csection on January 21st at 7:23 am. She weighed in at 8lbs and was 20 1/4"

Her delivery went amazing and we heard her first cries within just a few minutes of the surgery starting. Hearing those cries put my mind and heart at ease. She was finally here. After they cleaned her up, my husband was able to bring her to me and lay her on my chest while they finished the surgery. It was amazing not being automatically separated once she was born. Having her right there on me, crying, gave me such a sense of peace. She roomed with us the entire hospital stay and only left our side the total of maybe an hour for tests. 

We are home now and she is doing fantastic.  We are head over heals in love with her. It's amazing how much you can love someone instantly. She is perfect and has brought so much happiness to us already. I'm still in awe every time I look at her.  

Having her with us, even with all of the joy she is bringing to us, is an emotional roller coaster. I miss Avery more than ever.  I feel her absence even more.  I worry about Harper so much. In the first week I couldn't sleep. I was afraid if I did, I would awake to that awful nightmare all over again. We have a breathing monitor but I was afraid to use it. Afraid it would sound in the middle of the night and afraid of what the outcome would be. I'm absolutely terrified of the night. Once the sun begins the set, the anxiety creeps into my mind. I am worried about everything.  Every cough, hiccup and noise in the middle of the night worries me. But she's doing great and I have to keep telling myself that. 

Today, Harper is 19 days old. Today and every day, Avery remains 6 days old. Harper has more than tripled her sister's age. And while I am beyond grateful that Harper continues to grow and thrive, I didn't anticipate the emotions I would feel daily as we experience with Harper what we didn't get a chance to with Avery. Every blessed moment with her is amazing but there are so many times   I find myself staring at Harper and wondering what Avery would have been like. I wonder what it would be like with a 20 month old and a newborn. I wonder how they would interact. I wonder if I would be so neurotic. I wonder if I would be more frustrated with two crying so many thoughts and questions run through my mind as I look into Harper's eyes. Questions I will never know the answer to, questions that will always fill my mind and always leave me wondering. 

I'm a mom again and it's a wonderful feeling. I am full of so much love and pride for both of my daughters it often brings tears to my eyes. Life will never be as I once expected but I am so grateful to be able to be a mom to two beautiful girls. 

Choosing to Embrace Joy, Peace and Happiness

The day that felt like it would never arrive, is tomorrow. Tomorrow our rainbow, Avery's sister, will make her grand debut. Surprisingly, I am rather calm. At least for now. I've spent the last 9 months working towards finding a balance between my grief and my joy. For so long, I felt guilty for being excited about Harper's arrival. I felt if I was excited for her, I was somehow turning my back on Avery.  Knowing I would have to balance parenting my two daughters in completely different ways was a hard concept to comprehend. How does that work?

You see, when you lose a child, life stops. It seems like happiness will never be part of life again. And honestly, you don't want happiness. Slowly, you find a way to smile and laugh without guilt. You realize it's not that you aren't still hurting and the pain is completely gone but that you must still live. Slowly but surely, you get back into a routine without feeling like you're moving on without them. Eventually, you find a way to incorporate them into your every day life while functioning. You find a way to a new normal and you work with all of your strength to hold it together (most days).  

But all of that quickly changes when you add a new baby into the mix.  Your mind doesn't know what to do with this change to what you've just accepted and your life. It's one thing figuring out how to live life again, it's a whole other thing to try wrapping your head around parenting a child in Heaven and a child on earth without guilt. Slowly, over the last 9 months, I've changed the way I think. Instead of worrying myself over letting Avery down, I'm embracing the joy and the gift we are being given. 

It's not an easy thing to do. Everyday I have to consciously choose to block out the doubt, the pain, the fear and the worry and let in the hope, the joy and the peace God is giving me again. I have to redirect my thoughts when the panic and 'what ifs' start in on me. If I let them start, they will consume me. They tear me apart.  I will lose my footing and fall face first. I know we are very blessed to have the chance to be parents here on earth again but I have to consciously make the choice to embrace and focus on just that. 

I know I'm not guaranteed anything with Harper. She could leave us just as quickly as Avery but if that's where I focus my energy, I lose out on the here and now. Today, tomorrow and everyday moving forward that God allows Harper to stay with us is a day I want to be completely present. I want to embrace each happy moment and not let the doubt and fear and worry and what ifs rob me of what I have in front of me. I want to live in the now. 

This will be a hard road. It will be much easier said than done. I know I will have many tearful breakdowns and many worry filled sleepless nights. My hope is that God will continue to fill me with peace so I can enjoy what is in front of me. And I've accepted that it doesn't mean I'm negating Avery and what she brought to me. It doesn't mean we are leaving her behind. Rather, we are all choosing to move forward as a family of four. Keeping her and all of the light and love she brought into our lives with us each and every day. 

It still breaks my heart that I won't see her and Harper grow and play together. I'm scared Harper will look just like her yet afraid they won't look anything alike. I will be an overprotective mom. Her first year will be full of over the top precautions. I don't know how I'll ever let her leave my arms. I don't know how I'll leave her when it comes time to go back to work. I don't know how I will sleep. But I do know I will make a conscious effort every day to appreciate every moment I have with her. 

Please pray for us tomorrow as Harper enters this world. As much as I am calm now, I really have no idea where my head will be tomorrow. 

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11

Gratitude for those who remain faceless

I recently read a blog post written by a Labor and Delivery Nurse about her experience helping a family through the stillbirth of their son. Her words were beautiful and it gave me a little perspective into the other side of pregnancy and infant loss. I wish I could place a link to the post here but it's since been changed to a private post. 

As parents of loss, we know the hell our loss brought into our lives. We remember all of the details of that day more vividly than we would like. We replay the day over and over in our heads. We know firsthand how each moment of that day felt and how it continues to be and will always be a part of us, each and every day. But what we don't know is how our loss day impacted those who were part of our loss. We don't know what was going through the heads of those involved. 

I'm not talking about our families. I'm talking about those who were there with us, doing their jobs to help try to save our babies or trying to comfort us in our darkest hour. I very often think about the first responders to our home that morning and the doctors and nurses at the hospital who worked on Avery. I often wish I could get them all in a room and find out what the day was like for them. 

There was the police officer, a corporal, I believe, who was at our house so quickly. I can't see his face but I can clearly remember him busting through the door, running into our bedroom and taking over CPR for me. I know how hard it was for me to do CPR on her but I often wonder what was going through his head that morning. Was he just about to finish his shift or was he just starting his day? Was this the first time he had to respond to a call with a baby. God, I pray he doesn't get these calls often. I wonder if he has a family of his own. Did he to home and hug them a little tighter? I will always have a very great appreciation to this man, a man I don't know at all, who gave it his all until the fire department arrived. 

I often wonder many of the same things about the firefighters and paramedics who were next to arrive. I wonder what they were thinking as they rushed to our house. I wonder if they knew deep down, she was already gone once they started working on her. I wonder if any of them prayed on the drive to the hospital. I wonder if any of them still remember that morning. I know it couldn't have been easy for any of them. 

And then I wonder about the hospital staff. Those who spent over 30 minutes working on Avery. Trying everything they could to save her. I wasn't allowed in the room, I cannot remember any of their faces, but I am forever grateful that they tried as hard and as long as they did. I wonder if the doctor who broke the news to us had ever lost a child under her watch. I wonder if she still remembers Avery. I wonder how they found the strength the continue working that day. 

I wonder how June 12, 2012 affected each of the people involved in our loss. I know everything each of them did that day is just part of their job but to us, we are forever grateful of their service.  Even though most of these people remain faceless to me, they will always hold a special place in my heart. 

I want to say thank you to all of our police officers, fire fighters, paramedics, doctors, nurses and all others who stay strong when facing the worst and try their hardest to better the outcome. It takes a special person to do this work and I am forever indebted to those who helped that awful June morning. 

Christmas 2013

Last Christmas we ran away. It was exactly what we needed. It didn't feel like Christmas. We weren't forced into family traditions without Avery by our side. Honestly, if I wasn't 35.5 weeks pregnant, we probably would have run away again this year. And boy I wish we could have. 

For most of the big events since losing Avery, the days leading up to the event are normally more of a drain than the day itself. The anticipation and anxiety of what the day will be like take their toll, leaving the actual day generally not as bad as I had built up in my head. Christmas this year, however was different. I have been so busy over the past few weeks, I had pushed the thoughts about Christmas to the back of my mind. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't work myself up over it. This made Christmas Eve and Christmas day much harder than I prepared myself to face. 

Being forced into family traditions was absolutely heartbreaking. I made it a total of 15 minutes through our Christmas Eve service at a church before I had a mini anxiety attack and ran out of the church hysterical. Christmas Eve service is something I normally love and look forward to. However, it was a very I your face reminder of her absence. She should have been there with me in my arms. This is a tradition I looked forward to but absolutely hated being there last night. It killed me.  It's the things we do every year that are the knife to the heart. The traditions kill me. She is supposed to be a part of them. Here with us, not just in memory. 

Today, my old friend anger made it's presence known again. I woke up immediately angry. I wanted to sleep as late as possible but was wide awake at 6. She's supposed the be here. I'm supposed to wake up with her. We're supposed to have a tree with tons of presents for her. We're supposed to sit together and ready the story of Jesus' birth as a family. It's not supposed to be this way and it infuriated me. The littlest things had me on edge. I was dreading being around anyone and knew that it wouldn't take much to set me off. From the start of the day, I wanted to just crawl back in bed and avoid everyone and everything. But I couldn't, I had to out my game face on and face the traditions head on. I'm not going to lie, the day sucked. 

Nobody should have to spend time at the cemetery visiting their child on Christmas. Nobody should have to debate whether or not to include their dead child on gift tags. Nobody should have to try to speak to everyone as little as possible on Christmas for fear they will snap, the anger finally taking complete control.   Nobody should feel jealousy towards the happy families, complete and together on Christmas. It's hell. It's completely awful to spend Christmas this way.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I am so ready for the day to be done. I am ready to crawl in bed and have a good cry until I fall asleep. I'm ready for this pain to be over but I know that it will always be here in some form. Parts of Christmas may become more bearable over the years, but there will always be the lingering ache from the missing piece of my heart. 

Nothing will ever be the way I once pictured in my perfect world. And it hurts so much knowing I will never be able to change that. But I am thankful that God sent his son, Jesus, to be born and most importantly to die for us. Because of this, I know that while I cannot bring Avery back to me, one day, one amazing day, we will be together again. For this I am thankful. This keeps me going even when I feel like throwing in the towel. 

My Pregnancies

There was this status update going around Facebook recently where you were assigned a number and then you had to update your status with that many "fun fact" about your pregnancy. I'm generally not one for the mass status update trends on Facebook but I really wanted to share some facts about my pregnancies. So, I've decided to take to the trusty blog to post these things. 

1-I found out I was pregnant with Avery on October 15, 2011, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I found out I was pregnant with Harper on May 15, 2013.

2-I only took 1 pregnancy test with Avery. I still have it. I took at least 3 with this pregnancy, just to be sure. I have those too. 

3-I had morning sickness with both but never tossed my cookies. Eating was the only thing that made me feel better. Needless to say, I gain more weight than I should. 

4-Avery's name was picked out well before we knew she was a girl. 

5-I will be delivering at a different hospital with Harper. 

6-Both pregnancies were intentional-no "accidents."

7-We tried to announce our pregnancy to our families creatively. Avery they each received baby related gifts. With Harper we made up a special photo announcement. 

8-We did fun gender reveals each time. Avery it was pink cupcakes, Harper it was pink silly string. Both times we knew ahead of time. 

9-It took us 4 years of marriage to decide we were ready for a family. Avery celebrated our 5th anniversary in our arms, 3 days before we lost her. Harper was just a tiny bean celebrating with usin my belly on our 6th anniversary. 

10- Avery was born at 39w3d. Harper is scheduled to arrive via csection at 39w3d. 

11-I was induced with Avery and ended with a csection. Harper will be a scheduled csection. 

12-During Avery's csection, my leg fell off the table and I could feel it happen. I told to doctor and she told the nurse to pick it up. It was quite comical. 

13-I am horrible at documenting my pregnancies with photos. 

14-My sweet tooth takes over while pregnant. 

15-My favorite part of pregnancy is just watching my belly contort with the baby's movements. 

16-We plan to stop having children after Harper. 2 girls is just right for us.

To my blogger friends, please feel free to share facts about your pregnancies. I'd love to read your posts too!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I was letting Harper listen to some music tonight and pulled up Somewhere Over the Rainbow as sung by the children on Newtown, Connecticut. It's a beautiful rendition of the song.  

http://youtu.be/t1RwCTNdX78

I haven't listened to this song while pregnant but I thought it was fitting for our rainbow, Harper to hear it. While listening to it, I am reminded, once again, that with Harper about to enter our lives, I'm going to be so very torn between two worlds. 

Since losing Avery, I have no fear in death. And while I realize I've known where I am going after I die for sometime now, death was still something I was afraid of. That is until we lost Avery. Since losing her Heaven sounds better than ever. I have no fear of dying. I know when I leave this world I will be in the presence of Jesus and my beautiful daughter. How could I have any fear in that?  But now, Harper changes that a bit. While I'm not scared of dying, I will soon have another daughter who needs me. Here, in this world. Again, I'm being torn between two worlds. Which I realize will be the story of my life. 

The lyrics of this song are so fitting. When I first downloaded this song, I always longed to be the bluebird. To fly over the rainbow and away from this world and into hers.  I would always think, when listening to this song, how great a day it will be when I can finally spread my wings and fly to Avery. But at the same time, I had been praying and dreaming of being a mom again. And I've now been blessed to have that opportunity with Harper. My dream I've been dreaming is becoming reality. Little did I realize, when I first downloaded the song, how torn I would be when my dream was finally coming true. It's quite a challenge wanting to be present in two worlds but only being in one.  To want to stare into the beautiful rainbow but to also fly far away. 

For now, I will aim to soak in the time I'm allowed here in this world with Harper and know that one day, when it's time, I'll be with Avery again and eventually, we will all be together.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

 Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true...

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow, why them, oh why can't I?

If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?