Monday, March 31, 2014

I'd Rather be Blogging

Harper wants to follow in my footsteps already. 

This bib actually was meant for Avery. Long before I entered into the world of blogging, it was part of a pack of funny bibs about social media. Little did I know at the time, how much blogging would help me and the connections I would make with beautiful women all around the world through blogging. Kind of crazy, huh?

I thought I would use this as an opportunity to say thanks to all my blog friends for really helping me get through the last 22 months and walking this lonely road with me. 

Thursday, March 27, 2014

I see her

You may not see my oldest daughter but I do.

I see her in the beauty of a setting sun,

I see her in the butterfly's carefree dance,

I feel her in the ebb and flow of the ocean waves,

I see her in the whimsical firefly's flickering light,

I see her in the awesomeness of a starry sky,

I feel her in the warmth of the sun on my face,

I see her in the vivid colors of a blooming bouquet,

I see her everywhere I go and feel her in everything I do. 

You may not see her or feel her but everyday I do. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Grief-the never ending journey

There I sit listening to the sounds of my rainbow over the baby monitor as she naps in her room, in her crib-Avery's room, Avery's crib-for the first time, while working on a photo scrapbook for Avery when the phone rings. 

- "Hello, may I speak with Crystal?" 

- "Speaking"

- "Hi my name is (something I can't remember) from the evidence department at the police station"

My heart jumps into my throat. Why in the hell are they calling after all this time?

- "I'm calling to let you know that since the investigation into your daughters death is closed, you are able to come pick up the evidence we took from your home."

WTF? Why bow after all this time?

After a year and nine months of her passing and a year and a half since we were told their investigation was closed they decide they don't need her belongings in evidence anymore. I've spent every day since her passing working to accept it. I've been working on letting go of guilt. I've been working on pushing flashbacks of that day far, far from my mind. And in one quick 5 minute phone call, I feel like I'm taking a million steps back. 

Do you know how hard it is to still not feel like we were looked down on because our daughter died in our home? Do you know how awful it feels knowing that police and crime scene investigators went through our home to look for evidence? Do you know how hard it is to accept that we weren't allowed to be alone with our daughter in the hospital, instead detectives stood against the wall as we said our goodbyes?

All of these things have been pushed far back but now they are on the forefront of my mind and I can't shake them. I'm stuck on the fact that some of my daughters belongings have been sitting in evidence and that I have to go tomorrow to pick them up. I have no idea what to expect. All the person on the phone told me was they had her bassinet, which I do not want back nor do I ever want to see it again and some miscellaneous items taken from her crib. I knew they took things that were in her crib. But it still doesn't make sense, she wasn't sleeping in her crib. I'm not even sure what was in her crib. 

In my head I imagine a box with her name sitting on a shelf collecting dust in some dark closet of a room in the police department. What am I to expect to go through tomorrow? Will I have to go into that dark room? Will I have to look through her things there? Will I have to sign for each piece of "evidence?" Will the person that give me the stuff have some preconceived notion of me because my daughter died? Will I be looked down on? Will I see the detectives who investigated our case? They were amazing and truly never made us feel like suspects or bad people but what will I say to them? Will I make it back home before I lose it? Or at least to the car?

I hate the unexpected. I hate that I'll never know what's hiding behind the corner waiting to attack me when I least expect it.   Once again, the grief monster strikes. Just when you think you've tamed it and learned how to keep it in its place, a place where you've learned to manage it and keep it at bay, it breaks free and attacks you. It reminds you that you are not in control, that like love, grief cannot be controlled or suppressed. Like love, grief hits us when we least expect it and puts you in a tailspin. Like love, its a journey that never ends. 


Update: I love living in a small town. A family friend contacted me to let me know her nephew, a police officer, could pick the stuff up for us. Turns out I'm friends with his wife. So thankful that I don't have to go pick up the stuff at the PD. Thank you so much! 

Friday, March 21, 2014

Save a place for me

This song pretty much sums up how I've been feeling. 21 months and the pain is still fresh, still real and cuts so deeply. Every day I still wake up with only one daughter at home. Every night I go to bed and I only get to kiss one one of them goodnight. Every day, it's like saying goodbye all over again. 

One day, one sweet day we will all be together...until then, I know Avery is saving a place for all of us. 

Save A Place For Me
Matthew West

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good
To have the weight of this world
Off Your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day
When I'm finally there with You

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had You here

So You just save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there

I wanna live my life just like You did
And make the most of my time just like You did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like You did, oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Just save a place for me, save a place for me
'Cause I will be there soon

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad