2nd Birthday

Avery's 2nd birthday and anniversary came and went. This year I honestly was in a fog during that time. I wanted to show her how much we love and miss her. It at the same time, missing her is still exhausting and I really wanted to just get it over with. I know that sounds horrible. But I think I just wanted to prevent that this wasn't happening...again. Again we were buying pink decorations, balloons and having a cake made for our daughter who isn't even here. It's so unfair. All I want is to be stressed out over wrangling her, invites, family, friends, good, presents-all the craziness that planning a birthday party entails. But instead, I plan a memorial birthday, slightly worried that people will think we are crazy and that nobody will celebrate with us. 

But once again we were beyond blessed with all of the friends and family that came to celebrate her birthday with us. We sent balloons to her in Heaven and had a beautiful cake for her. This year everyone chipped in to have her name included on the new Angel of Hope monument being placed an hour north of us. Her grave was beautifully decorated by my best friends yet again this year. It really was a beautiful day.

For her birthday week we encouraged many to perform RAOK in her memory from the 6th - 12th. Once again I was blown away from how far Avery reached people. From the west to east coast of the US, Canada and in between, we heard from those, who even though they had never met Avery, were touched by her story. Finding positive focus during such a hard week really helped me through. 

The 12th was once again the worse day, well actually it really was the 11th. There is something about knowing that on that day just two years before, she was still with us, still in our arms. It's still so hard to wrap my head around how fast things can flip upside down. Nothing is guaranteed. Life is not predictable. And that day is the ever constant reminder of the fragility of life.

Now we enter another year without her. More holidays, more family events, more emptiness. This year I will strive to bring more good into this world, to keep her legacy going and to be the best mom to my two beautiful girls. 

August 19th: Day of Hope

This weekend my good friend and I spent some time making beautiful prayer flags in memory of our daughters. I've never been crafty so I am always pleasantly surprised when I do a decent job. Avery has given me the inspiration to craft and I have to say it is very therapeutic.

Monday was the International Day of Hope, a day for remembering all of our babies gone too soon.   A day aimed at breaking the silence and a day to remind us that there is still hope. I am so very thankful that I truly have hope in the knowledge that one day I will be with my little girl again. And that hope gets me through each morning that I wake up without her and each night when I go to bed with her only in my heart.

Gratitude to "Those" People in My Life

I had a few nice things happen the past few days to help me realize how many people I have in my life that support me. My mom remembered yesterday was a hard day and sent me flowers. I had a great lunch today with my OB doctor who I love and have a ton of respect for. And I was able to really think about something a very good friend sent to me the other day:

"Only trust someone who can see these three things in you: the sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger and the reason behind your silence."

After reflecting on this awhile today I am so grateful for those people in my life who can seem past the facade I have built these last 8 months.

Those who know that just because I am able to smile or laugh doesn't mean I'm "all better." Those who know that the things I say sometimes or the anger I show is simply because I hurt with a pain that cuts deeper than imaginable, a pain so fierce that unless you've lost a child you wouldn't understand it (and I wouldn't want you to). Those who know when I've been quiet too long that its not personal rather I'm just having a few bad days and those who go out of their way to check on me when it does happen.

Those who remember the 6th and the 12th are still hellish for me and go out of their way to let me know they remember Avery and me on those days. Those who let me talk about Avery at length even when they've heard it all before. Those who visit Avery at the cemetery so often that the grass is worn down. Those who write her name for me. Those who take me to lunch and let me talk about us and Avery the majority of the time. Those who think before they speak so not to hurt us with their words unintentionally. Those who read this mess of a blog quietly and don't take offense when I'm ranting and raving. Those who've told me they read this and they actually have found help or comfort in the words I wrote.

Those people I work with that understand when I take a "sad day." Those who still bring Avery up first. Those who tell me how often they think about her. Those whose children know who Avery is and remember her too. Those who let me be silent in a room full of people. Those who wear their pink Avery bracelets and those who put her "A" on their cars. Those who raised money for a playground in her name and have spent countless hours making it perfect.

To all of "those" people, you know who you are. Some of you we've know for years, others a short time. Some are family, others friends. But each of you mean more to us than you will ever know and I am beyond blessed to have you by my side through this journey. Thank you all!

FInding a glimpse of light when surrounded by darkness

To put it mildly, this past week, I have been quite a mess of emotions.  I’ve been feeling very anxious with Christmas and New Year’s approaching.  I am dreading of facing those holidays physically as family of 2 instead of 3 like I thought we would.  The looming holidays are exhausting enough.  Then the tragic events that happened a week ago in Connecticut have brought back a wave of emotions.  In some ways, I feel it has renewed my grief.  It brings me back to where I was 6 months ago, when my grief was so raw and I was still in shock.  The ache I feel in my heart for all of those families whose lives were turned upside down in an instant is deep.  Hearing daily that yet another innocent child is being laid to rest makes me relive those first days after losing Avery over and over.  My heart breaks for those families and they are in my prayers as they too approach the holidays without their angels.  It is so overwhelming how unfair life can turn out. 

Yesterday, anger was my driving emotion, as you can tell from my post.  Today, even though I am emotionally exhausted and would love to just go to sleep and wake up after the holidays, I am trying to be positive.  I am trying to remind myself that there are many people who do care about us and do remember Avery constantly.  I am trying to remind myself that while this life does not make sense and this world is unjust that there is still good to be found.

I’d like to post about a few good things that have happened recently.

Awkward Comments

People say stupid things when they don’t know what else to say.  Here we are 3 months later and I feel the awkwardness all the time.  We walk into church and I can feel it, all eyes on us.  I answer the phone at work, on the other end someone who doesn’t realize I’m back and I can tell they want to hang up; they aren’t ready to talk to me.  They stumble over what to say and hurry off the phone.  I am that girl, the girl who lost her baby.  Nobody knows how to handle seeing me or talking to me.  So I am forced to endure their awkwardness that generally just annoys me.

How are you? – I always reply with OK or hanging in there.  I don’t burden them with the truth.  The truth is that every day I wake up to my own personal hell, a nightmare that will never end.  That I am angry and bitter.  Nope, I don’t tell them the truth, why would I want to make them uncomfortable?

You look great. – Really, lie to me some more.  I don’t look great.  I still have 30 pounds to lose, my skin is going through puberty again as it trys to handle my ever changing hormones, I don’t care to do my hair or make-up more than enough to be considered presentable at work or in public.  So, really, don’t lie.  Don’t even make the comment.  It just annoys me more than it makes me feel better.