Back to Work

Monday marks the end of my maternity leave. And I am absolutely dreading it. If you would have asked me my feelings about being a stay at home mom before Avery was born, my response would have been that it's not for me. Prior to June of 2012, I was very much career driven. I would never been able to imagine staying home with my kids all day. I thought I would go stir crazy. At that time, I very much found a lot of my identity in my work. It was part of who I was. 

Going back to work after losing Avery was hard. She gave me a brief glimpse into motherhood. Returning to work after losing her was wrong in so many ways. It wasn't the return I imagined. I was back sooner than planned and on the outside nothing had changed. I got up alone, got ready alone and left the house alone. It was just wrong. She should have been there with me, I should have been stressing about getting both of us ready, I should have been taking a different route to work to drop off at daycare. Mentally, I was checked out. I didn't want to be there. I had no focus, no drive, I was still grieving deeply and beyond exhausted. Over time, I got back into the swing of work. But my heart never fully was back into it. Work no longer held my identity like it had in the past. I was no longer driven mainly by work, it was no longer who I was. Instead I became a mix of career and bereaved mother. 

Now with Harper my mindset has changed so much more. I would give up my career in a second to be a stay at home mom. To be one of those moms who goes to mommy and me groups, to be one of those moms who has time to make my own baby food, to spend all day with Harper-loving her, teaching her and watching her grow. No part of me is ready to go back. I feel so guilty that I'm leaving her. I'm so overwhelmed with anxiety about returning, I've been making myself sick. I. Don't. Want. To. Go. 

Never would I have imagined I would lose my drive for my career. But truth be told, I have. Going back is going to be the hardest thing I've done since we had to say bye to Avery. I don't know how I'm going to get through each day. I don't know how I will stay focused and do the level and quality of work I once did. I don't know how I'll leave her every morning. I don't know if I'll be able to put in long hours or handle the stress like I use to. That's not who I am anymore. I'm no longer, Crystal the HR professional. Now, I'm Crystal, the mother of two amazing girls. 

I know so many women balance work and motherhood but as I sit here, holding my sleeping rainbow, I really worry about losing this time with her. There aren't enough hours in the day already and now I'll be spending 8+ hours a day away from this precious girl. 

Motherhood has changed me yet again and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just hope both of my girls know that I do it for them. 

I'd Rather be Blogging

Harper wants to follow in my footsteps already. 

This bib actually was meant for Avery. Long before I entered into the world of blogging, it was part of a pack of funny bibs about social media. Little did I know at the time, how much blogging would help me and the connections I would make with beautiful women all around the world through blogging. Kind of crazy, huh?

I thought I would use this as an opportunity to say thanks to all my blog friends for really helping me get through the last 22 months and walking this lonely road with me. 

She's Here

Harper Isla Hanson was born via scheduled csection on January 21st at 7:23 am. She weighed in at 8lbs and was 20 1/4"

Her delivery went amazing and we heard her first cries within just a few minutes of the surgery starting. Hearing those cries put my mind and heart at ease. She was finally here. After they cleaned her up, my husband was able to bring her to me and lay her on my chest while they finished the surgery. It was amazing not being automatically separated once she was born. Having her right there on me, crying, gave me such a sense of peace. She roomed with us the entire hospital stay and only left our side the total of maybe an hour for tests. 

We are home now and she is doing fantastic.  We are head over heals in love with her. It's amazing how much you can love someone instantly. She is perfect and has brought so much happiness to us already. I'm still in awe every time I look at her.  

Having her with us, even with all of the joy she is bringing to us, is an emotional roller coaster. I miss Avery more than ever.  I feel her absence even more.  I worry about Harper so much. In the first week I couldn't sleep. I was afraid if I did, I would awake to that awful nightmare all over again. We have a breathing monitor but I was afraid to use it. Afraid it would sound in the middle of the night and afraid of what the outcome would be. I'm absolutely terrified of the night. Once the sun begins the set, the anxiety creeps into my mind. I am worried about everything.  Every cough, hiccup and noise in the middle of the night worries me. But she's doing great and I have to keep telling myself that. 

Today, Harper is 19 days old. Today and every day, Avery remains 6 days old. Harper has more than tripled her sister's age. And while I am beyond grateful that Harper continues to grow and thrive, I didn't anticipate the emotions I would feel daily as we experience with Harper what we didn't get a chance to with Avery. Every blessed moment with her is amazing but there are so many times   I find myself staring at Harper and wondering what Avery would have been like. I wonder what it would be like with a 20 month old and a newborn. I wonder how they would interact. I wonder if I would be so neurotic. I wonder if I would be more frustrated with two crying so many thoughts and questions run through my mind as I look into Harper's eyes. Questions I will never know the answer to, questions that will always fill my mind and always leave me wondering. 

I'm a mom again and it's a wonderful feeling. I am full of so much love and pride for both of my daughters it often brings tears to my eyes. Life will never be as I once expected but I am so grateful to be able to be a mom to two beautiful girls. 

Choosing to Embrace Joy, Peace and Happiness

The day that felt like it would never arrive, is tomorrow. Tomorrow our rainbow, Avery's sister, will make her grand debut. Surprisingly, I am rather calm. At least for now. I've spent the last 9 months working towards finding a balance between my grief and my joy. For so long, I felt guilty for being excited about Harper's arrival. I felt if I was excited for her, I was somehow turning my back on Avery.  Knowing I would have to balance parenting my two daughters in completely different ways was a hard concept to comprehend. How does that work?

You see, when you lose a child, life stops. It seems like happiness will never be part of life again. And honestly, you don't want happiness. Slowly, you find a way to smile and laugh without guilt. You realize it's not that you aren't still hurting and the pain is completely gone but that you must still live. Slowly but surely, you get back into a routine without feeling like you're moving on without them. Eventually, you find a way to incorporate them into your every day life while functioning. You find a way to a new normal and you work with all of your strength to hold it together (most days).  

But all of that quickly changes when you add a new baby into the mix.  Your mind doesn't know what to do with this change to what you've just accepted and your life. It's one thing figuring out how to live life again, it's a whole other thing to try wrapping your head around parenting a child in Heaven and a child on earth without guilt. Slowly, over the last 9 months, I've changed the way I think. Instead of worrying myself over letting Avery down, I'm embracing the joy and the gift we are being given. 

It's not an easy thing to do. Everyday I have to consciously choose to block out the doubt, the pain, the fear and the worry and let in the hope, the joy and the peace God is giving me again. I have to redirect my thoughts when the panic and 'what ifs' start in on me. If I let them start, they will consume me. They tear me apart.  I will lose my footing and fall face first. I know we are very blessed to have the chance to be parents here on earth again but I have to consciously make the choice to embrace and focus on just that. 

I know I'm not guaranteed anything with Harper. She could leave us just as quickly as Avery but if that's where I focus my energy, I lose out on the here and now. Today, tomorrow and everyday moving forward that God allows Harper to stay with us is a day I want to be completely present. I want to embrace each happy moment and not let the doubt and fear and worry and what ifs rob me of what I have in front of me. I want to live in the now. 

This will be a hard road. It will be much easier said than done. I know I will have many tearful breakdowns and many worry filled sleepless nights. My hope is that God will continue to fill me with peace so I can enjoy what is in front of me. And I've accepted that it doesn't mean I'm negating Avery and what she brought to me. It doesn't mean we are leaving her behind. Rather, we are all choosing to move forward as a family of four. Keeping her and all of the light and love she brought into our lives with us each and every day. 

It still breaks my heart that I won't see her and Harper grow and play together. I'm scared Harper will look just like her yet afraid they won't look anything alike. I will be an overprotective mom. Her first year will be full of over the top precautions. I don't know how I'll ever let her leave my arms. I don't know how I'll leave her when it comes time to go back to work. I don't know how I will sleep. But I do know I will make a conscious effort every day to appreciate every moment I have with her. 

Please pray for us tomorrow as Harper enters this world. As much as I am calm now, I really have no idea where my head will be tomorrow. 

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I was letting Harper listen to some music tonight and pulled up Somewhere Over the Rainbow as sung by the children on Newtown, Connecticut. It's a beautiful rendition of the song.  

http://youtu.be/t1RwCTNdX78

I haven't listened to this song while pregnant but I thought it was fitting for our rainbow, Harper to hear it. While listening to it, I am reminded, once again, that with Harper about to enter our lives, I'm going to be so very torn between two worlds. 

Since losing Avery, I have no fear in death. And while I realize I've known where I am going after I die for sometime now, death was still something I was afraid of. That is until we lost Avery. Since losing her Heaven sounds better than ever. I have no fear of dying. I know when I leave this world I will be in the presence of Jesus and my beautiful daughter. How could I have any fear in that?  But now, Harper changes that a bit. While I'm not scared of dying, I will soon have another daughter who needs me. Here, in this world. Again, I'm being torn between two worlds. Which I realize will be the story of my life. 

The lyrics of this song are so fitting. When I first downloaded this song, I always longed to be the bluebird. To fly over the rainbow and away from this world and into hers.  I would always think, when listening to this song, how great a day it will be when I can finally spread my wings and fly to Avery. But at the same time, I had been praying and dreaming of being a mom again. And I've now been blessed to have that opportunity with Harper. My dream I've been dreaming is becoming reality. Little did I realize, when I first downloaded the song, how torn I would be when my dream was finally coming true. It's quite a challenge wanting to be present in two worlds but only being in one.  To want to stare into the beautiful rainbow but to also fly far away. 

For now, I will aim to soak in the time I'm allowed here in this world with Harper and know that one day, when it's time, I'll be with Avery again and eventually, we will all be together.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

 Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true...

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow, why them, oh why can't I?

If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?