CYG Days 21-31

Day 21: Honor

After receiving Avery's name from Carly in Australia we decided we would honor Avery during our travels by writing her name wherever we go. I love the idea of having pictures of her with us wherever we visit. She may not physically be on our trips but she's always in our hearts no matter where we go and this is how we chose to honor that. 

Since then, the idea has spread and we've had family and friends take Avery on their trips with them. Avery has been all over the US and the world. 

This is a small sampling of the hundreds of pictures we have of Avery's travels around the world. 

Day 22: Words

As I've said many times, I don't know where I would be without my eternal hope that I have through my beliefs. God has held us and comforted us through our darkest days. Even when I pulled away, He was there. This verse reminds me that He is the God of all comforts. And as He has comforted us, it's now my goal to be there for others who are grieving their babies. 

The loss of Avery will not be swept under the rug as a bad thing that happened. I will use the loss of Avery to bring attention to pregnancy and infant loss. I will use my experiences-good and bad-since losing Avery to be there for others going through the similar situations.  I will use my tribulation to help others. I will be her voice since she cannot have one. I will make a difference because of her. 

Day 23: Tattoos/Jewelry

My husband was never big on tattoos. But after losing Avery, he knew he wanted one for her. We took a trip with his brothers and their wives within a few weeks to get his tattoo. It's pretty, girly and pink-a perfect representation of our little princess. I knew I wanted to follow suit but it took awhile for me to make a decision. I had a great friend sketch out my idea to incorporate her name, a heart and an infinity symbol. It represents my infinite love for her. I got it done the day before my 28th birthday, 1 day shy of the year mark of us finding out Avery was Avery. 

Over the last 16 months I've also collected a number of necklaces that mean the world to me. The one with her initial, birthdate and birthstone I had picked out before she was born but we lost her before I could order it. I decided I still wanted it and it was the first piece of jewelry I have for her. The next was made by a sweet baby loss mom, Lori, using a butterfly. Butterflies have their way of always crossing my path now and I always feel it's Avery saying hi. The next I fell in love with when I saw it. It represents my hope for our reunion with her in Heaven. The last piece my husband bought for me last Christmas. What should have been our first as a family of 3 was a somber day. He picked this out to represent our family of 3 and how we will always be intertwined. 

To some jewelry and tattoos may seem like just things and in reality they are, but to us they are physical, outward ways to show her with us daily. Other parents have their babies with them to show off, for us this is what we have. 

Day 24: Artwork

My Avery sunset picture taken by Carly in Australia is still my favorite piece of artwork we've received in the last 16 months. It was actually the first piece I received after losing Avery and this sunset speaks volumes to me. When I received it there was so much about it that brought me comfort and seemed like a sign from Avery. 

1st-I received it exactly 2 months after burying Avery. I had just gone back to work and was having an exceptionally hard day when I received this from Carly. It was just what I needed that day. 

2nd-The colors instantly reminded me of Avery. The beautiful pinks and purples were colors that will always be associated with our girl. 

3rd-I love how the sun is just barely peaking through the clouds. Avery had the cutest, chunkiest cheeks. They were so big, we really only ever got to see a small bit of her eyes shining through. The way the sun only slightly shows make me feel like Avery is in the picture, smiling with her eyes barely squinting though her cute cheeks. 

This picture now hangs on a canvas in our house. Another piece of Avery we surround ourselves with to keep her close. Another way we include her in our daily life. 

Day 25: #SayItOutLoud

I want the world to remember that Avery, and every baby taken too soon, is just that-a baby. A human. A person. Someone's future. Someone's hopes and dreams. 

Avery was here. Avery is my daughter and always will be. She is not just a sad thing that once happened to us. She is not just a small event in history. She is a person. She deserves to be spoken of, to be remembered and to be loved just as any living child would be.

Don't write off our babies as if they didn't exist. They were and always will be a part of our everyday.  Even if they never made it out of the womb, even if they were born straight into Heaven, even if they only took one breath and even if they were only here minutes, hours, days or weeks, they are our world. They are our children and should never be forgotten. 

Day 26: Community

Our baby loss community has helped me find strength through our shared bond. Because of this community, I do not feel completely alone; I find reassurance that my thoughts and feelings aren't crazy but rather normal; I find courage to get through the toughest days; I find healing though sharing; I find love, compassion, understanding and friendship from people walking the same path as me. I wish none of us were a part of this community but since we are forced to be, I am thankful for the bond we have formed. 

Day 27: Signs

I truly feel we've experienced many signs from Avery in Heaven. Whether it's a beautiful butterfly crossing my path bringing peace, a rainbow after a storm bringing hope, an "A" appearing randomly to make me feel she is saying hello or a cardinal showing up at just the right time, there are so many things I feel cannot just be coincidence. 

Most recently and maybe one of the most clear signs was during the recent 2nd Annual Avery Diane Hanson Memorial Golf Tournament this September.  Shortly after the start of the tournament this "A" appeared in the sky and could be spotted all along the golf course. I feel Avery wanted her presence to be known on a day that was completely about her. So many people saw the "A" in the sky that day. It truly brought comfort on a day that was very bittersweet. 

Over the last year or so, I've blogged about some of the signs I've felt. You can read about all of them here: 

http://missingavery.blogspot.com/search/label/signs%20from%20Avery?m=0

Day 28: Special Place

Avery is always with me and I feel her near often. But if I had to pick the place closest to me, it would be her gravesite. It is a beautiful location under a strong, shady oak tree. While it may sound odd to some, this is the one and only place I still have that I feel I get to mother. 

She doesn't need me anymore but her gravesite does. It was one of the last things we were able to do for her. From picking out the perfect spot for her to be, to designing her unique and beautiful headstone, I've been able to do for her even with her not here. I've been able to mother her special place. And Every week I continue to do so. We bring new flowers weekly, we decorate for holidays and look for cute additions to her spot that remind us of her.  It's not much but it makes me feel needed still.  I know it's just a place, I know she isn't really there but it's all I have left. 

Day 29: Healing

I truly do not believe my wounds will be completely healed until I am with Avery again.  However, I have been able to find more peace and healing than I would have thought possible 16 short months ago. I would have never thought it possible to feel happiness, joy or anything positive in June of 2012. Life stopped at that point, I fell apart and I didn't think I would ever be able to put the pieces back together. 

Since then, I have started to put some of my pieces back together even though there is always going to be a big piece missing. I attribute this healing to many factors; family, friends, faith, support, connections with other moms, etc. I think what's helped me most is being able to share Avery with others. Having family or friends bring her up without my prompting adds a small stitch to the gaping hole in my heart. Sharing her with others who are on this journey helps me know she will always be a part of me. Hearing stories of how she touched the lives of complete strangers brings me great pride. Knowing that her cousins and her sister will always know her as part of our family gives me peace that she will never be forgotten. 

The wounds remain and always will but sharing her with those who accept her means the world to me. It's helped me get this far in my journey and it's what will keep me going even on my darkest days. 

Day 30: Growth

I changed as a person on Oct 15, 2011 when I found out we were going to be parents.  I changed again on June 6, 2012 when Avery came into the world. I was a mom through and through. The second she was placed in my arms, I knew there was nothing I wouldn't do for her. Life was no longer about me, it was all about her. I was again forever changed on June 12, 2012 when my world came crashing down, when Avery left our world. In the last two years, I've been through so many changes as a person. I will never be the same person I was before Avery entered our lives. 

Some days I feel more compassionate whereas others I still feel very bitter and cynical. I'm learning to embrace the new me. I will never be the carefree person I once was. It's impossible-I know too much; I've experienced too much. This world is so incredibly unfair. But at the same time, I've grown stronger as a person and found my voice. I am not as quiet or reserved about my thoughts and feelings as I once was. Avery has helped me find my voice. I don't care if talking about her or other babies taken too so makes others uncomfortable. This is life, this is the real world. It's messy and uncomfortable. Change doesn't happen when people are complacent.

I am sure I will continue to grow and change as I continue on this journey. The person I am today and the person I am 5 years from now will not be the same. But one thing will remain constant as the years pass-my love of my daughter and my passion to break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. 

Day 31: Sunset

As the Capture Your Grief project comes to a close I would like to thank everyone who has followed my posts and supported me sharing my grief and my thoughts this month. Your support means so much to me and I am so thankful you allow me to speak out about my journey.   Even though October is coming to an end, our grief will not. It will be with us forever and it's our burden to bear. But thanks to great support, I know it's not a load I bear alone. 

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month but please don't forget about the families who suffer daily with their grief, please don't forget the 1:4 women who will experience the loss of a baby, please don't be afraid to speak our babies names year round. My hope is that projects like these will help break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss

The sunset tonight at first looked like it would be ruined by clouds. But as I was standing on the dock, looking for a shot, I was taken aback. Not only was the sunset beautiful but there was also a rainbow burst at the far left. Id like to think its a sign from Avery of great things to come with our own rainbow. 

#captureyourgrief 

CYG Days 11-20

Day 11: Emotional Triggers

Early on it was hard to predict what would send me I to a downward spiral. The sound of a baby crying in a restaurant, diaper commercials, pregnant women all sent me running for the hills, normally crying in public. As time pushes me forward, my skin has become tougher, my mind able to block out the sting. Normally keeping myself together isn't an impossible feat but there are still a few triggers that send a deep stabbing pain piercing through my heart and unfortunately, these are hard to avoid. 

• Ambulances, especially number 24. I will never be able to erase from my memory how it felt to follow that ambulance through town to the hospital. Every time I see one, I'm sent back to that awful morning, reliving every painful detail.

• The emergency room at our local hospital. Same as above. I never want to step foot in that area of the hospital again. Just being near that section of the hospital is enough to send my hear racing. This is, for me, especially hard to avoid since I work very closely with the hospital for work. 

• The songs we played at her funeral, Hallelujah, Heaven is the Face and When We All Get to Heaven bring me to my knees. They are all perfectly beautiful but as soon as I hear those first chords start to play, I'm sitting in the font pew at Avery's funeral all over again. The first two songs I easily avoid by turning the radio but the hymn is hard to avoid when it seems to be sung at church frequently. Every time I try so hard to make it through and every time I fail. 

Day 12:  Article. 

I love Still Standing Magazine. There are so many articles I've read that have really resonated with me. If I need to be lifted up, there's an article. If I need reassurance that I'm not crazy for the way I feel, there's an article. 

One thing I've struggled with is guilt after Avery. SIDS (and any loss) will do that to you and the guilt is amplified. The what ifs, and why's  plague me. It's hard to accept that your child is gone for no real reason and yet you did nothing wrong. We are use to cause and effect. I know the effect, but what was the real cause? Did I miss a recommended precaution? Should I have checked on her 5, 10, 15 minutes earlier? The questions running through my head are endless. It's taken me the last year to stop beating myself up and to accept I did nothing wrong and this was out of my control. It's not my fault, I'm not a bad mom and I didn't do anything to deserve this. 

This article helped me allow myself to let go of the guilt and accept that I am not a failure as a mother. I am a damn good mother and until my dying day I will be the best mother to Avery that I can be. Read the article here:  http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/

Day 14: Family

"The people who are there for you on your darkest nights are the ones worth spending your brightest days with."  

Our family is more than just those related to us through blood. To us, our family are those who have been there for us the last 16 months. They've been with us through our deepest darkest times, through our healing, through our anger, through our rejoicing, through us despair. Our family has proven their love and support for us over and over again. I am so thankful for each and every person who has made it a point to be a part of this journey with us.  It's not an easy journey to be on, some have gone astray along the way, but those most important to us are here, by our sides every day helping us through. 

Day 15: Wave of Light

We spent the evening with other loss parents at a beachside Wave of light ceremony. The event, hosted by Elizabeth Ministries of Melbourne, included luminaries and candles on lit on the beach. This is the second year we attended with two great friends.  We attended last year but when it came time to share, I couldn't. This year, I was able to share a little bit of our story and it felt amazing to share Avery with this group. It was a beautiful evening. 

It was also amazing to come home to see so many friends and family had also lit their candles in Avery's memory that night. 

Day 16: Seasons

Summer will always remind me of Avery. She was born and went to Heaven during the summer. The Florida afternoon thunderstorms started the day she was born and it stormed every afternoon for the 6 days she was here with us and for the months to follow her passing. The beautiful sunny mornings and afternoon storms of summer will always bring me back to Avery's summer, the summer of 2012. 

Day 17: Time

Early on, time was my enemy. I felt I was caught up in a strong current being pulled further and further out to sea, losing contact with the shore. 

Every day past June 12th I felt I was being pushed further and further away from Avery. I felt like I was losing more and more of her. But now, as time continues pushing us further from the day we were forced to say our unexpected goodbyes, I no longer look at time as an enemy. Time is no longer the villain because no matter how many days it's been since I've held and loved on Avery in person, she is always here with me. And as the days add up since she was last here, the days tick away toward the day we get to be together again. Everyday that countdown clock gets closer to our sweet reunion but until that day, I carry her heart in mine. 

Day 18: Release

Over the past 16 months I've struggled with the guilt over losing Avery. Deep down, I know that it's not my fault. We did nothing wrong and I know that, but as a mom, I feel I should have been able to keep her safe. The "what-ifs" make the guilt worse...what if I would have woken up a little bit earlier, what if I would have purchased one of those monitors, what if I would have just kept holding her that night instead of laying her down, what if I missed something...the list goes on and on. SIDS is awful. There are no answers, there is no closure. I am working to let go of these things. It's not my fault and no matter how many scenarios I play in my head, none will bring her back. It's getting easier to let these thoughts go but some days they still plague my thoughts. 

Day 19: Support

I am beyond blessed for the support I have in my life. My husband is my rock and our friends and family hold us together when we feel like crumbling. However, over the last 16 months I have made so many connections with others who are walking in my same shoes. Nobody else can really get it like these women (and men) do. They've been walking this same path, the understand these feelings like nobody else can. I've made some beautiful new friends along this journey through our babies.  Whether it be from blogging, online support groups, Facebook or local support groups, this network of support is amazing.

Last year a good friend shared this poem with me the same day it was read at an Oct 15th event we went to together. It gives me goosebumps every time I hear it because it is so true. We all hate these shoes but we will forever be stuck in them. 

Day 20: Hope

My hope for the future is that more awareness would be brought to pregnancy and infant loss so that the taboo would be broken and support be prevalent. 

My hope for the future is that there would be a cause found with SIDS and a cure. There has to be something causing this nightmare. No parent should ever face this cruel unknown. 

My hope is that technology and medicine would advance to help prevent miscarriage and stillbirth. 

My hope is that no parent would ever have to suffer this heartache. 

My hope is that Avery's Light will continue to shine and bring support to those in need. 

My hope is that this rainbow I'm carrying helps fill our arms, our quiet house and brings us true happiness. 

My hope is that one day, she will not go through the devastation we've experienced. 

My hope is that I continue to live my life in a way that makes Avery proud. 

CYG Days 2-10

I was bad a posting my daily Capture Your Grief photos to the blog. Better late than never, right?

Day 2: Identity

Avery Diane Hanson, no name will ever be as perfect. We knew if we ever had a daughter, her name would be Avery. There is no significant meaning to it, other than on vacation 3 years before she was born we had a waitress names Avery. We both loved the name and it stuck. There was no second guessing her name when we discovered our baby was a girl. 

Avery's middle name is after my grandmother. She was the rock of our family and I grew up spending many nights at her house. She is forever missed and forever loved. 

Like her name, Avery was perfect and brought so much happiness to our lives before SIDS took her from is 6 days after she was born. 

❤️Avery Diane Hanson❤️ June 6-12, 2012❤️

Day 3: Myths

Time does not heal all wounds. It simply puts more space between losing Avery and today. Time does not heal, my wounds will always be present. Time simply helps us learn to live with our wounds. Some days they are more raw than others. 

Day 4: Legacy

Since Avery's passing we've created a small non-profit, Avery's Light (www.averyslight.com), to help other families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss. Since Avery's passing there have been 2 Memorial Golf Tournaments in which proceeds went to build Avery's Place, a playground for our church. We've also used proceeds to sponsor the building of 100 bears through Molly Bears and will be using the remaining proceeds to help local families. And we have many friends and family who frequently perform random acts of kindness in her memory. 

Even though she is no longer here physically, Avery's Light continues to shine daily and she is touching so many lives. I am so proud of the legacy my six day old daughter has left behind. 

Day 5: Memory

I am so thankful to have many great memories through my 9 months of pregnancy and 6 days of Avery's life. While it will never be enough, I am thankful for those memories I do have. We had 9 months and 6 perfect days with her. One of my fondest memories was on June 10, 2012. She was 4 days old and it was the first time I was alone with her at home (even if only for an hour). My husband ran to the grocery store and I stayed home. I spent that time just mommy and daughter. We cuddled in her room, I read "I'll Love You Forever" to her and she in return blessed me with some of my favorite memories of her. She was smiling and making silly faces while we sat and rocked. It was a great afternoon, one that stays in my heart and really helps me to remember that I still am a mom. 

Day 6: Ritual

Every week without fail since June 16, 2012, my husband and I always visit Avery at the cemetery on Sunday after church. We bring fresh flowers, clean up her area and spend some time there with her. Even though we know she is not there, she's in Heaven, it's still our place to feel close to her. This is our special time as a family, our family ritual that brings us peace and comfort each week. 

Day 7: Where I am now...

1 year, 3 months and 25 days of missing her later and daily my grief shifts and surprises me. It is constantly changing and evolving in new ways as the days continue pushing us forward. 

Today I am 24 weeks, 3 days pregnant with our rainbow, Avery's little sister. This has changed my grief. In some ways it has lightened the load; it's given me hope. Hope that very recently seemed so far away. Hope that I'll be able to raise and parent this child and get to actively mother her here and not only in memory. It has given me something to look forward to, something positive to fill my thoughts. But it also has made aspects of my grief heavier. I'm afraid Avery will be forgotten by others, I fear I will disappoint her, I worry that I won't be able to mother a daughter in Heaven and one here on Earth. She's been my life and now I must figure out how to balance her and her sister. 

This photo represents my two girls. Avery through my bracelets I always wear in her honor and Harper growing daily inside of me. This is me now. 

Day 8: Color

When we found out we were having a girl we were thrilled. Avery was the first girl on my husbands side full of boys. We knew pink would be her color. Her bedroom had pink walls and matching accessories, her closet is full of pink. 

Since losing her, pink has taken on a whole new meaning. Pink represents Avery in our family, even to the youngest members who have pink matchbox cars that they call their "Avery cars." Whenever we do something to recognize or honor her, pink is the color of choice. Pink will always be Avery's. 

Day 9: Music

There are so many songs that have hit me in different ways since losing Avery. Some, like the ones we played at her funeral, crush me. I cannot listen to them. Others bring me hope and are a reminder that this pain is not eternal. One of my recent favorites is Carrie Underwood's "See You Again." I will see Avery again and I am so glad I can live in this hope. Without that I don't know how I would get through each day without her. 

The photo is of a necklace that has hung in my car over the last year. Like the song, this necklace means a lot to me and has brought me hope and peace. Read the story behind the necklace here:  http://missingavery.blogspot.com/2013/03/grief-sunglasses.html?m=1. 

Day 10: Belief

My faith brings me hope and peace and helps get me through even the darkest of days. 

I believe God sent his son, Jesus, to die for us and forgive us of our sins. I believe that one day, when my time comes I'll be in Heaven. I believe Avery is safe in Heaven, surrounded by Jesus and our family members who have gone on before us and I have faith that one day we will be together again. This faith brings me peace and hope for the future, this gets me through my worst days, this reminds me that her death was not our final chapter and I look forward to that day when we are together again.