Monday, June 24, 2013

This is my life

Today is just one of those days.  They come less than they use to but they still are here.  It started last night.  As I was walking into my bedroom, it hit me, Avery is gone.  Still.  Some days it just really hits me that this is my life; this is my reality.  Avery is gone and I cannot change it.  She was here one minute and gone the next.  She lived, she existed and now she is gone.  It’s not that I don’t know this each and every day.  I do.  I wake up every morning missing her and go to bed each night missing her.  But some days, it really just sinks in.

Today was one of those days where it started first thing and the tears were uncontrollable.  I tried to go to work but I could not focus on anything else.  On days like today, I do not function well.  Even in writing this, I am having trouble putting my thoughts down.  I held it together so well for her birthday and even on the anniversary of her passing; I think it all finally caught up with me. 

As strong as I try to be, as much as I try to do in her name, there will always be days like today where I am left in disbelief that this is my life. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

A year ago today...

A year ago today we heard the doctor say, "we are very sorry, we tried everything we could..." And instantly our world came crashing down. We had hope as we sat there praying she would be all right but with those words we lost all hope. We lost our future. We lost everything. 

A year ago today, the unimaginable became our reality. I cannot even begin to put into words the devastation you feel when you lose a child. My world stopped, my heart broke into pieces and nothing made sense anymore. My life as I knew it ended that morning in the hospital. 

A year ago today, I was numb. I was in shock. I spent many months simply going through the motions of life. I never thought I would feel any sort of joy or happiness again. 

At some point in the last year, I had to change my outlook on life. I could no longer allow myself to simply be numb. I could not allow myself to let life pass me by. Yes, life as I knew it up until the morning of June 12, 2012 was never coming back. I don't get that life back. But I do still have life to live. It's not the life I had planned but its the one I've been given. 

Over the past year, days have gotten easier.  Tears come leas often. And smiles more frequent. The pain is all still very real and part of every day but somehow we are learning to live with the pain. 

I try to find beauty in every day. Life is so incredibly fragile, not a moment should be wasted. Most days I am successful at this, others I allow the pain to still have a grip on me.  This will be a constant in my life now. I will always battle living the life I've been given and only wanting to be in the one I had. 

I will miss my beautiful daughter every day for the rest of my life but I am so thankful that one day we will be together again. Until that day, I will see her in the beauty of the ocean, the hope of a rainbow and the in the peace of a fluttering butterfly.

Today is very overwhelming. I am thankful for my husband taking me away to the beautiful island of Saint Thomas to escape the pain of waking up in our own bed this morning. Listening to the sea is very calming. There is so much beauty here I feel Avery with us everywhere we go. 

She was definitely with us this morning during breakfast. We were up early talking about how it was very close to the time they have us the awful news and  just then a beautiful butterfly appeared over the sea. Avery was there smiling down on us, letting us know she loves us too.  Reminding us to smile even in the pain. 

We love you more and more very day sweet Avery. Until we meet again, we will carry you with us every where we go. 

A butterfly flying across the sea this morning. 

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Rain, rain go away, it's almost Avery's birthday

Avery's birthday is less than 4 hours away. And to add to the weight of tomorrow it seems as if all of my plans to honor and celebrate my baby girl are going to be ruined. 

We planned to all gather at her playground, Avery's Place in the evening. To allow the children in the family some time to play. We planned to do cupcakes outside at the playground. I planned to do a balloon release as the sun was setting and a floating lantern as the night took over. And it seems as if we will be rained out thanks to an unusually early tropical storm.

And while it may not seem like a big deal, it is tearing me apart. I already don't get to throw the party I want. I already have to celebrate my daughters birth without her. So much about this next week is just so incredibly wrong and now the one thing I was excited for, is ruined. Isn't that just fitting-nothing in life goes as I have planned. 

I'm beside myself. I know I cannot control the weather but I feel like such a disappointment. I don't even know if I'll be able to spend time with her at the cemetery. I know life could be a lot worse, I get that, but I really just wanted tomorrow to be perfect. Please pray for clearing skies so I can try to salvage some of our plans, so that u can feel like I can give my girl some sort of party.