Rain, rain go away, it's almost Avery's birthday

Avery's birthday is less than 4 hours away. And to add to the weight of tomorrow it seems as if all of my plans to honor and celebrate my baby girl are going to be ruined. 

We planned to all gather at her playground, Avery's Place in the evening. To allow the children in the family some time to play. We planned to do cupcakes outside at the playground. I planned to do a balloon release as the sun was setting and a floating lantern as the night took over. And it seems as if we will be rained out thanks to an unusually early tropical storm.

And while it may not seem like a big deal, it is tearing me apart. I already don't get to throw the party I want. I already have to celebrate my daughters birth without her. So much about this next week is just so incredibly wrong and now the one thing I was excited for, is ruined. Isn't that just fitting-nothing in life goes as I have planned. 

I'm beside myself. I know I cannot control the weather but I feel like such a disappointment. I don't even know if I'll be able to spend time with her at the cemetery. I know life could be a lot worse, I get that, but I really just wanted tomorrow to be perfect. Please pray for clearing skies so I can try to salvage some of our plans, so that u can feel like I can give my girl some sort of party. 

These are the last days we had

Last night it hit me like a wrecking ball hitting a brick wall, these next 13 days are the last 13 days I had last year with Avery.  Just like that, it’s been a year.  It hit me hard last night.  It’s not like I haven’t been well aware of June’s approach.  June is always on my mind.  But last night it finally registered that this year is quickly coming to a close.  And after June 12^th, I will no longer be able to look back and say, “this time last year…Avery was safe inside me…I was nesting and cleaning like a fool over Memorial Day weekend…today was my last day at work before maternity leave.”  After June 12^th, she will no longer have been with me just a year earlier.  And I don’t know why, but I cannot come to grips with that.  I just want to sit and relive each moment over and over again. 

I would love to just sit in a dark quiet room watching this time last year unfold in front of me like an old home movie on a closed loop.  I would love to just sit and lose myself in every detail of this time last year.  But I cannot.  I cannot remember every detail like I would like.  I have general ideas of what I was doing.  I have strong memories of our 6 days with Avery but I cannot live them out perfectly.  Those are days I will never get back. 

Until last night, I was focusing all of my energy on the positive things we would be doing for Avery’s birthday, focusing on our escape trip we are taking shortly after her birthday, focusing on work, focusing on projects, etc.  I wasn’t letting June get to me.  But my walls of distractions have not just cracked, they’ve buckled and have crumbled to the ground at the weight of that wrecking ball.

Oh how I just wish I could go back to this time in 2012.  When life was still perfect and Avery was still here with me. 

Anxious

Maybe it's that Avery's 6 days of the month have just come to a close and I spent them extremely busy at work and I feel like I pushed my thoughts and emotions down deep during those 6 days. Or maybe it's the fact that her birthday is right around the corner. Whatever the cause, today the anxiety is creeping up. I felt it as soon as I woke up. I tried to get ready for church but I want sure I could handle keeping my mask on around others. I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep myself together if someone came in with their baby. The feeling is suffocating. I don't want to stay home but I don't know if I can handle the inevitable triggers if I go out. My head is spinning, my chest is tight and my heart is heavy.

I HATE this. I hate feeling like its better for me and those around me if I just stay home. I HATE that 10 months later, these days still exist. I HATE that I even have to have days like this. They should be full of happiness. Not this. And I hate knowing that so many beautiful women I've met on this journey have days like this.

There is no point to this post I guess. I'm just having a bad morning and needed to get it out.

Please explain how I'm supposed to "fake this, until I make it"

I've had one dream about Avery in the last 7 months and it was amazing. I pray every night that God would bring her to me in my dreams. So far that hasn't happened. Instead I have dreams, correction, nightmares about babies/children.

Each dream is different but the same. Last night for example, my husband and I were in the hospital after having twin girls. It seemed like it was going to be a happy dream but in an instant it shifts. It goes from happy to panicked. In every dream I have involving children this happens.

One minute things are fine and the next minute, I have to save them. Last night, one of the babies stopped breathing. Instantly, I tried to wake them up without success then I start CPR. Every ounce of me terrified for the outcome. In the dream last night just as I was able to start one breathing, the other would stop. Round and round we went until I finally woke up shaking and sweating.

Last night it was twins, it's been baby boys, toddlers, all shapes an size of children. But it's always the same-I must try to save them. And it always ends before I know the outcome.

Thank you SIDS for doing this to me. For making me feel like this. I couldn't save Avery that morning no matter how hard I tried. As soon as I woke up and noticed she hadn't changed positions since I checked on her barely an hour earlier my heart sank. I knew something was wrong. My husband ran to her bassinet, picked her up while I screamed for him to give her to me. I tried to wake her. She wouldn't respond. He called 911 while I checked to make sure she didn't have anything in her mouth and immediately started CPR. I was trembling but calm all at the same time. I was so focused on what I was doing, I didn't have time to fall apart. I needed to save her and I tried, I tried so hard. It was only a few minutes until the ambulance arrived but I hadn't made a difference. She still wasn't breathing. An hour later at te hospital we were given the awful news.

As much as I try to push that morning into the back of my mind, it will always be there. Waiting until my guard is down to attack me in my dreams.

As much as I know we did nothing wrong as parents. I still feel guilty. As much as I know I took every precaution they have for reducing the risk of SIDS, I still feel like I could have done more.

As much as I know barely an hour before she was sleeping safely next to me, I still doubt myself for falling asleep. I blame myself for being tired at 5 in the morning.

As much as I know I did everything I could to try to bring her back, I still can't escape the feeling that I let her down, that I failed at saving her.

My day is shot and its barely 9am. I cannot shake my dream or my feelings of failure and guilt.

For that therapist on Ricki Lake, I'd like to see you try to "fake this until you make it." I cannot fake through this until I make it. This will FOREVER be my life. She will FOREVER be my daughter who passed away for no reason. And I will FOREVER have to live with the memories of that day.

This is my life now and there is no faking it until I feel better. Yes, these feelings are awful but I would rather feel what I feel than to pretend I feel fine. While all I want to do today is curl up in bed (and to be honest, I just might do that), feeling this way reminds me how much I love my daughter and reminds me that no matter how much time passes, she will always be a part of me. Good or bad emotions, they are still rooted from my absolute, unconditional love for her. Faking it would disgracing to her, to her memory and to her life.

Hope for 2013

In about 14 hours the nation will be celebrating the closing of 2012 and the beginning of 2013; a chance for many to put a year behind them and look forward to a fresh start, a new beginning with a new year.  I’ve never been big on New Year’s; I’ve never really made resolutions I wanted to stick to, I’ve never wanted a fresh start or to forget the previous year.  This year however, I have very strong feelings about ringing in a new year. 

The start of 2012 was full of excitement.  I was starting to feel less nausea, starting to get that pregnancy glow and really excited for the months to come.  We spent hours making Avery’s room just perfect.  We had doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, the joy of hearing her heartbeat; so much of the beginning of 2012 was about her and us getting ready for her.  May approached and so did our fears about being parents.  We both wanted to be amazing for her.  As May ended, labor neared.  June 5^th-the big day!  We were induced!  Avery had other plans and after laboring for 16 hours, Avery pushed her birthday to June 6^th when she entered this world.  She was perfect!  Our lives were forever changed!  June 8^th, we took our little girl home so full of excitement.  June 9^th the three of us celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary.  We enjoyed 6 amazing days in June.  June 12^th our world was rocked.  Avery left us.  The rest of 2012 is a blur.  But what I do know was the rest of the year was about her too; writing to her, finding ways to remember her, sharing her story, sharing her pictures, etc.  2012 was completely about Avery.

Now time is once again forcing me further away from the time I had with Avery.  I am full of trepidation as the year comes to an end.  I don’t want it to end.  I want to be in 2012, her year, forever.  After thinking about my anxiety over the New Year for a while, I realize that I know 2012 is always going to be her year and even when 2082 rolls around, 2012 will still be her year and no matter how far I am from the time she was here, she will always be with me. 

What I think gets me the most is that 2012 made me realize that life sometimes does not go as you had planned.  We spent so much time planning for Avery, so much time thinking about how we saw our lives turning out and yet here I am, nowhere close to living the life I had planned.  2012 was supposed to be the best year of my life.  I had a plan entering 2012 but God had a different plan.  This in itself scares me. This shakes me to my core.  No matter how much I plan, I realize those plans can be tossed out the window. 

So as 2012 comes to a close and 2013 looms on the horizon, I am scared.  I like to be in control.  I like to have a plan.  I like knowing what to expect.  2012 taught me that I am not in control.  But while I am scared, I also know that I have a God that loves me and wants good for me.  I have a God who wants me to allow Him to be in control. 

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11. 

While I don’t understand God’s plan, I do know that He is in control and His plan is in place.  I should not fear the future knowing this.  God can do more through me that I can do by myself.  2013 looks like a big question mark to me but I know God has a plan and as scary as that is for me, I am working on accepting that.  I pray that I can truly allow God to work through me in 2013 and lead me down the path he has planned.

Some things I hope are part of God’s plan for me in 2013

·         Growing in God’s word

·         Finishing Avery’s memorial playground

·         Finding a SIDS organization to be a part of

·         Focusing on my marriage

·         Getting healthy

I pray each of you who reads this allows God to use you in 2013.

FInding a glimpse of light when surrounded by darkness

To put it mildly, this past week, I have been quite a mess of emotions.  I’ve been feeling very anxious with Christmas and New Year’s approaching.  I am dreading of facing those holidays physically as family of 2 instead of 3 like I thought we would.  The looming holidays are exhausting enough.  Then the tragic events that happened a week ago in Connecticut have brought back a wave of emotions.  In some ways, I feel it has renewed my grief.  It brings me back to where I was 6 months ago, when my grief was so raw and I was still in shock.  The ache I feel in my heart for all of those families whose lives were turned upside down in an instant is deep.  Hearing daily that yet another innocent child is being laid to rest makes me relive those first days after losing Avery over and over.  My heart breaks for those families and they are in my prayers as they too approach the holidays without their angels.  It is so overwhelming how unfair life can turn out. 

Yesterday, anger was my driving emotion, as you can tell from my post.  Today, even though I am emotionally exhausted and would love to just go to sleep and wake up after the holidays, I am trying to be positive.  I am trying to remind myself that there are many people who do care about us and do remember Avery constantly.  I am trying to remind myself that while this life does not make sense and this world is unjust that there is still good to be found.

I’d like to post about a few good things that have happened recently.

A typical day gone wrong

Today would have been a typical day for me if we were to go back in time a year.  My afternoon consisted of dropping off holiday coupons to our employees at our different doctor’s offices.  This in itself sounds like a very harmless afternoon.  A year ago, it would have been something I enjoyed.  This year, it was hell. 

It started off by dropping the coupons to our pediatric office.  Going to this office is hard enough; Avery never made it to see her pediatrician outside of the hospital.  Luckily, I avoided any babies.  However, as I was leaving, a little girl, who was maybe 6, stopped me as I was leaving and asked, “Where’s your daughter?  Why are you leaving without her?

                Insert knife into heart.

I responded that I wasn’t a patient, that I worked here and I was just leaving the office.  I wish I was there with Avery, I wish I had left her with some of our employees for a quick moment so I could just run to the car.  Instead, I am just reminded again that I am a mother with an angel for a daughter. 

                The knife twists.

I suck it up and get in the car to drive to the next office.  As I am waiting at a red light, I hear sirens.  An ambulance comes speeding by and it’s not only any ambulance, but THE ambulance.  Ambulance number 24, the one that took Avery from our house that day, the one that we followed to the hospital while it was blaring it’s sirens and racing to the hospital. 

                Twist the knife again and dig in deeper.

I am forced to follow the ambulance the whole way to my next stop, the OB office.  The same OB office I spent 9 months in and out of while pregnant.  The same office I have been avoiding the past 6 months.  Luckily, they had no patients this afternoon so I knew I wouldn’t face a waiting room full of kids and big pregnant bellies.  What I wasn’t expecting was the smell.  As soon as I walked in, the smell overcame me.  It reminded me of waiting in that waiting room so many times, waiting in the exam rooms, getting ultrasounds, all moments when Avery was happy and safe inside of me.

                Let’s add a punch to the gut to the knife in the heart.

After almost running out of that office, I think I am done with the pain of my afternoon work errands.  I head to another office that has no memories tied to it of Avery.  I enter the office with high hopes.  As I chat with the employees, our new girl, who just started a week ago, attempts to make small talk by saying, “I heard you just had a baby, that’s awesome.”

                Where’s the closest bridge that I can jump off?

The room gets silent as I nicely explain to her that yes, I did just have a baby but unfortunately she passed away unexpectedly.  It really was the icing on the cake but I couldn’t fault the poor girl, she didn’t know.  She is a really sweet girl and was just trying to be nice.  I could tell she felt awful.  On my way out, I pulled one of the employees of the office aside and asked that they make sure she didn’t feel bad for what she said.  Which ultimately led me to have a long conversation with this employee about how I am actually doing, it was a nice talk but not one I was prepared to have. 

A year ago, stopping in to these offices, driving from site to site and making small talk with employees would have been a breeze.  It would have been a welcome change from my normal office routine. 

I have quickly come to realize nothing will ever be easy again.  There will always be places that are deeply connected to my memories of Avery, there will always be ambulances crossing my path and there will always be the innocent people who try to make normal small talk without knowing how much it pains me. 

Not only do I have to deal with empty arms for the rest of my life but I have to deal with the fact that my life will never be normal again. 

I've never been more homesick than now

I am really struggling with hitting the half year mark today.  I cannot believe it’s been half a year since that awful day.  Making it worse is the fact that it is a very dreary, rainy day.  This adds more sting to the pain for two reasons.  One, I normally visit the cemetery on Avery’s special dates (her birth date and angelversary) and today looks like one of the few that I cannot go there.  I know I don’t have to go to the cemetery to be close to Avery, I know she isn’t really there but I find peace there so not being able to go today is making me very anxious and uneasy.  The other is the fact that it is such a rainy day.  It was raining the day she was born and rained every day she was here with us.  The rain reminds me of her and the days following us losing her.  The rain today makes me feel like I am back in June.  The rain reminds me of the fresh pain, my raw emotions I felt during the summer. 

Today, I am feeling very homesick for Avery, for Jesus, for Heaven.  Last week, we attended a candlelight service at the cemetery.  At the service, the worship band played Mercy Me’s Homesick.  A song I had heard many times before but a song that I do not remember hearing in the past 6 months.  The words hit me very hard last week, for the first time I really felt them, they were my thoughts, they were my feelings, and they’re my longing for my reunion with my daughter.  These lyrics describe exactly how I feel.

If you’ve never heard this song, I recommend it.

Homesick by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

A Haircut with God

I’ve needed to get my hair cut and colored for at least the past 2 months. I don’t really give much thought to my looks anymore but my hair is starting to be more work than it’s worth and I have some big work meetings coming up soon so it really needed to be done. I’ve been dreading going to my normal hair salon as there is a girl there who is pregnant, very pregnant.  She is a nice enough girl but she is one of those that as a BLM you look at and think, really?!  The universe has a funny way of being fair.  I say this not trying to sound judgmental.  She is very nice and I am sure she will make a fine mom, she just is very annoying to me right now and I really don’t want to be in such close quarters with her. 

So, I decided to switch it up and find someone new to do my hair.  I’ve been putting this off because I knew how it would go…

 Hairstylist:  “Hi.” “How are you today?” Me:  “Hi, nice to meet you.  I’m fine” --LIE

Hairstylist:  “What do you do for work?” Me:  “I work, blah, blah, boring, boring.” –NOT SO BAD

Hairstylist:  “Are you married?” Me:  “Yes, I’ve been married for 5 years now, my husband is amazing.” –AN EASY ONE

Hairstylist:  “Do you have any kids?”  Me:  RUN, HIDE, CRY

This is typical talk when you are meeting anyone new and need to make small talk to get a conversation started.  For a normal person, these questions are harmless, I’ve asked them myself.  But to a BLM it can incite fear and panic.  That’s how I’ve felt all day.  I have been so nervous for this appointment.  I even thought about cancelling it (and have once prior).  But against my better judgment, I kept the appointment, put on my fake face and my armor over my heart and headed to the appointment. 

More signs

One of the hardest parts about life without Avery is getting back into a routine and doing activities we did before her.  Everything we do just doesn’t feel right.  Everything we do should be done with her or differently than before she was born but she isn’t here and we have to continue living life.  It was with much trepidation that I accompanied my husband Friday night to the first game for the fall Church League Softball season.   Last time I went to a softball game, I was a blimp.  The last time I went to a game, I was 37 weeks pregnant full of life, hope and joy.  I didn’t watch much of the last few games of the spring season as I was too busy talking about babies with the other moms at the field.  Not only was I excited for Avery’s arrival but so were they.  We anticipated starting the fall season off with a stroller and an almost 4 month old.  That was not how it went Friday.

Friday, the start of the season, looked like it did this time last year from the outside.  This time last year I didn’t know I was pregnant, the Florida heat was still in full effect and there I was toting along my chair to watch my husband play softball.  On the outside Friday looked just like it did this time last year but inside it felt SO VERY WRONG.  I knew it would be trying returning there without her, I felt so empty.  But as we were walking up, I noticed the most beautiful sight.  In a perfect blue sky, with no rain in sight, shining down on the fields were two amazing rainbows.  Every time I see a rainbow, I think of my baby girl smiling down on me from Heaven.  I took a picture and started to feel a little less anxious about the fact that the season was starting off completely different than I had planned last May.  It warmed my heart and reassured me that I could make it through.  I find strength from these signs I feel God sends down to me from my daughter.  Little did I know as we were walking to the field how much these 2 rainbows would symbolize.

Still waiting on answers

It’s been a week since I received a call from the Medical Examiner’s office stating we would receive the news we have been waiting over 3 months for “any day now” and I am still waiting.  We are still waiting.  Anger and frustration don’t even scratch the surface of how I am feeling.   Why call me last week and say any day now when it wouldn’t be.  Do they know how it feels to be in our shoes?  Not only do we have to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night without our daughter, the one person we love more than anything in this world, but we have to face every day not knowing what took her from us.  Obviously they don’t or they wouldn’t have told me any day now.

All week I have been on edge.  Every time my phone rings, my heart races, my stomach drops and panic runs through my veins.  Each time my phone rings, I expect it is them calling to finally tell me what took my beautiful daughter away from me so suddenly without anyone noticing something was wrong and each time I am disappointed when it isn’t them.  I wake up every morning with a nervous stomach, nausea sets in and I feel horrible.  I drag myself to the office where I have no focus.  I can’t plan anything because I anticipate any day now I will get the news and need some time away from work and life to process.  At the end of the day, it sets in that today is not the day.  I start to feel better for a little bit, the panic subsides until it’s time to go to sleep.  Getting ready for bed, it starts all over again; tomorrow could finally be the day.  My stomach is in knots, my mind races, sleep is almost impossible.   This has been my routine for the last week and it looks like that will be how next week goes as well.  This weekend my anxiety will subside slightly as I know they won’t be calling but next week I will go back to my “any day now” mentality and the feelings that come along with it.

I don’t know why I need to know so badly.  I don’t know what to expect to feel when I get the news but the anticipation of this news is enough to drive me insane.  I don’t understand what is taking so long.  I just want answers.  I need answers.  I need to be able to process this information.  I hate not knowing. 

I hate everything about this.

God's perfect timing

It’s bittersweet; her headstone is finally placed at her graveside.  It’s is beautiful.  We are very blessed to have known the man who created the stone for her.  He did an amazing job.  The stone stands out, just like she would have.  It adds even more beauty to the part of the cemetery in which she is buried.  I am so thankful that the stone is finally there; marking her resting place for the entire world to see.  For the last 3 plus months, her place has been marked by a plant and a few pretty pin wheels that someone placed there for her.  I am glad to see that her space finally looks official.  But I also know this is one of the last few things I get to do for my daughter.  I should have a lifetime of buying her things but instead I am purchasing a piece of granite to mark the burial place for my 6 day old daughter. 

The timing of the headstone being placed is perfect.  For the past several weeks I have been anxiously awaiting her headstone and her autopsy results.  As always, God’s timing on placing her headstone was perfect.  I received a call from the Medical Examiner’s office today.  They were calling to let me know all the results from the tests they conducted were back and as soon as the Examiner reviewed everything and finalized the report they could release the results to us.  They were at least able to tell me the results indicate an actual cause, that it would not be ruled as SIDS.  Receiving this news put me in a tailspin. 

Anxiety

I went back to work August 13^th, the day after we marked her 2^nd month in Heaven.  I had been out on leave since June 4^th just 2 days before she was born.  It’s now going on the end of the 3^rd week since I’ve gone back and I still haven’t made it through a full week without calling in “sad.” 

Some days, I think I am doing well.  Yesterday, I was in the office a full day.  I dealt with the normal employee issues that come along with being an HR Manager.  It was overwhelming at times and I wanted to give up but I pushed through.  I got home from work and we ran errands.  It was one of the more productive days I have had in the past 3 months.  But it all hit me last night as I was trying to go to bed.

I spent most of the day not allowing the grief to overtake me but I cannot fight it all day.  Last night was hard; I missed her-missed everything about her, I felt empty and the house was too quiet without my baby cooing beside me and waking me up to feed.  I felt like I hadn’t spent the day yesterday remembering her on her 12 week birthday, remembering her the way I should have.  I felt like I neglected her.  I felt it all last night; depression, anger, guilt, hurt, etc.  It was a rough night, I couldn’t sleep and when I dreamt dreams of babies and children, dreams where I long for her but she isn’t in these dreams.