Illuminate Week 3: 100 steps

This week’s lesson involved taking 100 steps and creating a photo wherever it is you end up.  This assignment forced me to open my eyes to the little things that are before us every day but easily overlooked.  This assignment has helped me to continue to find beauty in everyday life.  My 100 steps generally were within my own home/property.  All taken on different days.

Today, I am grateful for…

…the ability to find beauty all around me, there was a time not so long ago that I could find no beauty in life;

…the symbolism in the items I photographed in this assignment, I like to think of them as gifts from Avery;

…taking this course which is helping me branch out, think outside the box and allowing me to put my energy into something which is truly helping me heal.

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting - a wayside sacrament." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

A heart rock found on the sidewalk.  Taken with my I-phone

 

3 heart leaves found in the rocks in my front yard, one for each of us in our
little family.  Taken with my I-phone.

 

A cardinal and it's nest, in my backyard.  I had never
noticed the nest until the bird flew in front of me.
As I took the picture, my husband said, "you know
they say cardinals are signs that your loved ones
are thinking about you." Didn't know that.  Thanks
Avery!  Taken with my point and shoot.

 

My dog's perspective on life.  He's always taking in the beauty of life. 
Taken with my point and shoot

 

 

Butterflies

I’ve been having a pretty rough week.  Even when trying to escape the pain, the overwhelming reality of this huge whole in my heart still finds its way in.  I’ve put on my fake face and made it through the last few days.  And I’ve had good moments in the midst of my pain.  Today, we volunteered to help some good friends move.  Not that I love manual labor but they have been great to us and getting out of the house sounded like a great idea.  And it really was.  During the few hours we were helping them I was surrounded by beauty and a positive reminder.

On the way to their house, I grabbed a healthy breakfast (McDonald’s) and while in the drive thru, there was a huge butterfly that followed us through.  Then when we got to their apartment I saw at least 3 different butterflies.  On the way to their new house, I saw so many more along the road.  It seemed like I saw more butterflies in the 4 hours we were out this morning than I have in one day. 

Since losing Avery, I’ve noticed butterflies and dragonflies more than ever.  Normally they are dancing around when I am visiting the cemetery or floating through my backyard while I am outside with the dog.  I’ve always associated them with her.  Not that I think she is a butterfly, but I sometimes think they are sent my way just as a way to make me smile and bring peace.  After having such a rough week and seeing so many today, I decided to see what symbolic meaning butterflies have in different cultures.

Tears at Disney and a Random Act of Kindness

This weekend we went with our brother and sister in law to Epcot’s Food and Wine Festival.  They go every year and have always asked us to go.  This year, we decided to join them.  We’ve avoided Disney with the family as we didn’t want to be surrounded by happy families but we thought Epcot, especially the Food and Wine Festival, would be much more adult.  Boy, were we wrong! Once again, we were blindsided with families enjoying their day with their beautiful children.  There we are wanting to escape, have some fun, try some good food and drink and we are reminded yet again of what we DON’T get.  Who goes to a Disney park and cries?  I do, I guess.  Almost immediately I regretted going but we were already there so I committed to getting though the day.  While it was hard seeing so many babies (especially those in HER stroller), we enjoyed ourselves overall.

There were a few moments that especially stuck out.  One was while waiting for my husband and brother in law to meet us.  I was just sitting, starting to allow the sadness to sink in, tears staring to form and out of crowds of people comes a beautiful butterfly.  It really appeared out of the thick of people, made its way over to me and danced around just long enough to bring a little smile to my face.  Instantly I thought of Avery and felt like she had a hand in this butterfly making its way to me.  The same thing happened again later in the day.  As I was sitting, allowing the emptiness to creep in, a bubble floated right in front of me.  A lone bubble, a child’s bubble.  It wasn’t long until I was surrounded by them.  And again, I smiled.

Day 13: Signs

Today’s photo challenge was to post a sign.  Since Avery left us, I have had a few signs from her.  One of the most clear was this double rainbow.  I previously wrote about it here.  It was an amazing day.

I also have had a few other signs.  I always seem to see rainbows on hard days and normally either on my way to the cemetery or on my way home. 

One day a few weeks ago, I was in the middle of a good cry on my way home from work and I saw this heart in the clouds.

And last night, after visiting the cemetery and having a bad day overall, we saw this.  This one is probably the silliest.  We were grabbing some fast food when I looked up and saw that only the “A” of the sign was lit up.  When I pointed it out to my husband, he laughed and said, see Baby Girl is trying to tell you not to be sad today.

As big or small as some of these signs may be, I am thankful for them.  I love when things happen to make me realize that even though she isn’t here with me in the way I imagined, she is still here.  She will always be with us. 

Day 10: Symbol

This picture captures 2 symbols that remind me of Avery (although there are many more).  The first, being her pink “A.”  A week after we lost Avery, my husband decided to get a tattoo. When went to get the tattoo we picked out a pretty, hot pink script font for the tattoo and he had her name written on his wrist.  It is beautiful.  I want to get one too but still have to decide on it.  Anyway, we love the “A” design of the tattoo so we asked one of my aunts who works at a graphic company to make up big pink “A” stickers.  We have given these stickers to our friends and families for their cars.  We love them and like our pink bracelets, it makes me smile to see these around town.

The second symbol is a butterfly.  As cliché as it may sound, I feel like I see butterflies everywhere since we lost Avery.  It makes me smile to think that maybe she is sending them down to dance around me to make me smile.  It works! 

This picture is actually of the prayer flag I made for Carly Marie’s Luminous Light Ceremony that she is holding this weekend.  You can read more about it here.

I have lots floating around in my head and have been having a rough week but don’t have time to write more which I hate.  Hopefully soon I can get it out of my head and on paper so that I can process it better, I’m really overwhelmed with so many thoughts and feelings right now. I need a good mental/emotional release!

More signs

One of the hardest parts about life without Avery is getting back into a routine and doing activities we did before her.  Everything we do just doesn’t feel right.  Everything we do should be done with her or differently than before she was born but she isn’t here and we have to continue living life.  It was with much trepidation that I accompanied my husband Friday night to the first game for the fall Church League Softball season.   Last time I went to a softball game, I was a blimp.  The last time I went to a game, I was 37 weeks pregnant full of life, hope and joy.  I didn’t watch much of the last few games of the spring season as I was too busy talking about babies with the other moms at the field.  Not only was I excited for Avery’s arrival but so were they.  We anticipated starting the fall season off with a stroller and an almost 4 month old.  That was not how it went Friday.

Friday, the start of the season, looked like it did this time last year from the outside.  This time last year I didn’t know I was pregnant, the Florida heat was still in full effect and there I was toting along my chair to watch my husband play softball.  On the outside Friday looked just like it did this time last year but inside it felt SO VERY WRONG.  I knew it would be trying returning there without her, I felt so empty.  But as we were walking up, I noticed the most beautiful sight.  In a perfect blue sky, with no rain in sight, shining down on the fields were two amazing rainbows.  Every time I see a rainbow, I think of my baby girl smiling down on me from Heaven.  I took a picture and started to feel a little less anxious about the fact that the season was starting off completely different than I had planned last May.  It warmed my heart and reassured me that I could make it through.  I find strength from these signs I feel God sends down to me from my daughter.  Little did I know as we were walking to the field how much these 2 rainbows would symbolize.

A slap in the face and inspiration all on one

I decided to log into pinterest to gain some inspiration for a prayer flag for Avery that I want to make for an October 15th remembrance ceremony held in Australia by the wonderful Carly Marie (http://www.carlymarieprojectheal.com) and there it is, my board for baby ideas.  I started the board when I first found out I was pregnant and it quickly became my guilty pleasure.  I would pin frequently ideas for Avery's room, crafts to do once she was here anything baby.  I haven't logged in since before she was born.  I knew it would be there, I just didn't remember how much I had pinned.  There were the plans I had for her, live and in living color.  Hand prints, bookshelves, memory books, things I will never get to do with her.  It was like a slap in the face.  So much, I don't and will never get to do with her. 

I thought about deleting it all.  Why be constantly reminded of what i can't have?  But, I've decided to keep it.  That board is Avery's.  It's my hopes and dreams.  It's what I thought of when she was growing inside of me.  That board is her.  As much as it hurts to look at it, it also makes me smile.  It's a reminder of how much love I had for her even before I held her for the first time.  While I can't create the things in the board, I can look back and be reminded of how much she changed me even before she was born.

Even though, it was hard to see, I think I may have found inspiration!  One thing I had posted was a cute wall plaque that read, "No one will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."  How true that is!  I may add this to my prayer flag if there is room.  I'd like to think that maybe seeing the board wasn't such a bad thing, maybe Avery was sending me a sign, that she's here and she knows how much I love her. 

Surviving vs Living

I survived another month.  Yesterday wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I woke up this morning to a new day.  Maybe it was because I kept myself busy, that I kept myself from dwelling on the many emotions I was feeling, maybe I just blocked it all. Whatever the reason, I survived.

But today, I am down, really down.  I feel exhausted even though I slept for 9 hours last night.   Without my baby girl, I feel broken; I don’t feel whole or even relatively like any part of the old me.  I find myself just going through the motions of life in survival mode and yesterday made me realize this.  I am not actually living like but rather just getting through it. 

When Avery passed, I felt a need to live.  I realized how short life is and I didn’t want life to pass me by.  I told myself and my husband that we weren’t going to let excuses hold us back from things.  We were going to travel, do more things together, try different things, etc.  I am sorry to say that in the past 3 months, I haven’t lived at all.