Inside the thoughts of this grieving mom

One thing that seems to be a constant on this journey is how easily I can become angry, bitter and jealous. I become infuriated at life and at this unfair world. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge and to someone outside this babyloss community, these thoughts may make me seem crazy. And I probably am, but these are where my thoughts go so often these days...

When I hear the woman in front of me at the cashier in Target tell the cashier she needs to wait at least 5 years longer to have kids when she thinks she's ready because kids are nothing but money pits (while she's carrying a designer bag and wearing lots of jewelry)...

...I think how I would gladly have money pit at home and that this woman doesn't deserve the blessings she's been given if she's going to be so ungrateful. Grief is a money pit too at least children enrich lives.

When I am forced to watch a beautiful little girl playing with her father, who gave up parental rights so that he could do drugs, and now gets to see her when its convenient for him...

...I think how it is complete bull shit that someone who can't get their act together gets to have the best of both worlds. He gets to see her when it works for him, gets to live the awful life he wants and oh yea, he now has another healthy baby at home. Seriously?!? WTF. I find it hard to bite my tongue.

When I see on Facebook parents complaining over and over and over again about their fussy children and lack of sleep...

...I think about how I would gladly wear bags under my eyes and have an extra large coffee every morning to have Avery be at home fussy and keeping me awake. I would love to actually have her in my arms when I cannot sleep instead of my memories of her and that awful day keeping me awake. I have bags under my eyes and nothing to show for it.

When I hear parents complaining about their lack of adult time...

...I want to scream! I was ready to give up adult time, girls nights and dates. I would do anything to NOT just be with adults.

I know many would say that had Avery still been here these things wouldn't bother me. And to some point that is probably true. I know I may sound judgmental but this is how I honestly feel. The loss of a child changes the way you look at everything. As much as I try, these type of things get under my skin. I end up angry, cursing and normally sobbing. This is my life. These are my thoughts. And as crazy as they may be I cannot help my bitterness, anger or jealousy.

My hope is that if you are on the same journey and feel these things too, you'll know you aren't alone and if you haven't experienced a loss this will give you a little insight to the thought process of a grieving mother or at least this grieving mother.

I need to vent before I explode!

Warning...this post is being done via my phone and is probably mostly rambling, ranting and raving.

Today I am beyond irritated. I really hope I can make it through the next day and a half of work without losing my shit on someone. My anger is at a boiling point and I'm afraid one wrong move or saying may set me off.

I'm Italian, I already have a short fuse. When I was younger it wouldn't take much to set me off. As I've matured, and become a people pleaser, I've learned to bite my tongue. Instead of snapping, I hold it all in. A LOT.

Good for those who cross me, bad for me.

I try to pray about it and am getting better at praying and letting it go but there are just some times when I can't let it go. I've had a few of those lately and they are really bothering me.

My mom is a non-emotional person. She left to go home (5 hours away) straight from Avery's services because, and I quote "she needed time to herself". I was hurt, but I let it go-she doesn't do well with emotions I tell myself. Then she went weeks without calling. It was "less painful" for her to text me. Again, hurt, but I brushed it off. Now, she calls every 2 weeks or so. An improvement some may think, but no! When she does call she talks only of herself, my sister (and the loads of drama associated) and very, very rarely does she ask how I am doing or even mention Avery's name. She never acknowledges the 6th or 12th of the month and until I brought it up, she didn't even ask if they had ruled a cause of death. For her own granddaughter!

With Christmas right around the corner and the recent tragic events in Connecticut, one would think a mother would reach out to her daughter who is grieving her own child. But no, not my mom! It's too hard for her. Well, I've about had it! I'm sick of the lack of caring she shows me, I'm sick of biting my tongue when she does call and rambles on about herself! I'm sick of not saying anything because I don't want to upset her! I'm upset! I'm angry! Does any one care how I feel?!?

That feels a little better.

Another recent incident where I would love to really just tell someone how I REALLY feel occurred this week. We had some lovely family members take some pictures of their teenage daughter holding a beautiful wooden letter A for Avery. It was beautiful, it made me feel loved and reassured me that Avery is not forgotten (one of my biggest fears). Well, another family member who doesn't like this portion of the family, for some ludicrous reason, decided to turn the picture away from Avery's memory and make it about him (his last name starts with A). All of this was on Facebook. Thank God I saw this while at home because I lost it. I was so hurt that someone would take something that someone else did in memory of my beautiful daughter and make it about themselves. I mean how insecure of a person must you be to do this! Well, against my emotions, I did not respond. I'm not one to fuel drama or upset anyone so I let it go. The next morning, my amazing father in law defused it in a much more PC way than I would have by kindly reminding him that in our minds A will always be for Avery. I let it go. Until today when the family member in question sent me a backhanded apology. Basically stating that he didn't mean any disrespect to us and that it was a dig at the family member who took the picture. Apology NOT ACCEPTED! You were wrong sir, this was not the time or place for family drama!

If you are going to apologize, apologize. Don't make excuses. You were wrong, say you were wrong! This irks me so bad. I own up to my mistakes, I don't shift the blame.

So me, again not wanting to fuel any drama, politely said that I didn't think it was appropriate to dig at them using Avery. What I really wanted to say was...well, I won't post that, it contains a few too many expletives.

I guess what people don't understand is that I dot have the energy for this CRAP. For once in my life, I wish people would care about how I feel. Care about how I am doing. Maybe it's my fault for always letting people off the hook. Maybe I'm grieving too hard still and my emotions aren't in check am I'm overreacting, but I'm so tired of feeling like I am constantly being walked all over. I'm constantly biting my tongue. And I'm so tired of it. I'm so irritated that people only care about themselves. Here I am struggling to make it through each day and some of our own family is too self centered to even care.

I am beyond thankful that we are going out if town in a few days. I need some quiet time. We need time together away from everyone to just be.

After reading this post I realize that it sounds like all of our family is horrible. That is not the case, for the most part these people are the exception not the rule. They aren't a true representation of our whole family unit. We do have lots of supportive and caring family members who love us dearly and I truly feel care. It is still just so disappointing to me that the ones mentioned above are so clueless to anyone but themselves.

I think I've reached my breaking point...

Tonight insomnia has become my enemy again.  I can’t sleep so my mind runs wild.  As I lay in bed trying to sleep, my mind drifts to the past.  Monday nights/early morning Tuesday is always very hard for me.  Tonight is no different.

19 weeks ago at this time, I was up for a late night feeding with Avery.  What I didn’t know at that time was this midnight feeding would be the second to last that I would ever share with her.  This time 19 weeks ago I was slightly anxious that my husband was going back to work in the morning and it would just be Avery and I.  I was nervous about being all alone with her for the first time because I was still I a bit of pain for my c-section but I was excited to spend the full day with my girl.  Unfortunately, I never got to see that part of my future.  When my husband’s alarm went off for work that morning 19 weeks ago, just an hour after I dozed off after checking on her in her basinet beside me, our world shattered into a million tiny pieces.  As I lay in bed tonight, trying to sleep, my heart throbs with a pain so deep it physically hurts.  She isn’t here and like every Monday night for the past 19 weeks, I relive those beautiful last moments I had with Avery when the world was still perfect.  I can’t believe how quickly your life can go from absolutely wonderful to a nightmare that you just wish you would wake up from. 

Monday nights also bring me back to 20 weeks ago, when I was anxious and barely able to sleep because the next day, I was headed to the hospital to be induced.  Just 20 weeks ago, my life was bright and so full of hope.  That night, I couldn’t sleep, so around 3 in the morning, I woke up, ate some cereal and just sat alone in the living room, relaxing in the peace of the middle of the night and enjoying her dancing around inside me.   It was such a calm morning.  We were all so excited that Avery would be making us a family.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I would be sitting here like this tonight. 

No escape

Since when is every TV show, news story or commercial about babies and/or families?  I mean seriously, can I get a freaking break?!? 

I really like to try to escape from my own head, from this hell that is now my reality.  Through the summer, my husband and I probably watched a million stupid movies nobody has ever heard of.  We’ve pretty much rented every movie at Red Box that doesn’t look like it would trigger anything.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little stronger so we have attempted some TV shows, this has mostly been an epic fail.  We’ve never watched Modern Family but gave it a try-ended up crying because we will never get to drop Avery off at college.  Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, shows I’ve watched for a while, I’ve now deleted from my DVR-too much death.  This week, my husband and I started Mike & Molly, normally a safe bet, it was turned off within 5 minutes as they talked about how they’d simply get pregnant and 9 months later have a baby. “Hopefully,” I thought.  Maybe they should add they have only a 75% chance everything will be OK.  Next we changed to How I Met Your Mother, yep they have a baby now-another fail.  The League, a sports comedy, surely this would be a winner.  Nope, they give up the naming rights of their baby for a better draft pick, while giving birth.  Are you kidding me, let’s completely mock the process of bringing a live into this world. 

Venting: Getting my anger and bitterness out

WARNING: If anyone actually reads this, please know I am venting and some of this may come off as judgmental.

There is so much floating around in my head this week, I don’t even know how to process.  I’m angry, anxious, bitter, empty, heartbroken, sad and so overwhelmed.  Since our trip last week I feel like I am going backwards.  I was doing relatively well the past 2 weeks (relatively as in as good as I can be doing without my daughter at home with me).  I was making it through the day, making it through work, getting things accomplished.  My breakdowns were manageable and mostly occurred in the morning or at night in the privacy of my home.  But since we went to Chicago last week I’ve been a mess all over again.  Greif is definitely cyclical.

Last week we went to Chicago with some friends.  Don’t get me wrong, the trip was enjoyable but something about changing my routine and being outside of my normal comfort zone has sent me down the ugly grief tunnel again.  I know even when I have my “good” weeks, I am still grieving but I feel like I am grieving in a healthier way, a way where I can function.  Since getting back, I feel like I back in the dark grief zone, the zone where dealing with everyday life is hard, it’s so hard to function.  It seems like everywhere I turn this week I am being slapped in the face by something that sets me back even further, mostly things that just reiterate how unfair this life is, making me angrier.  It feels like the angrier I get the more empty and heartbroken I feel.  The reality of life without my daughter sinks in a little bit more, twisting the knife in my heart yet again. 

Still waiting on answers

It’s been a week since I received a call from the Medical Examiner’s office stating we would receive the news we have been waiting over 3 months for “any day now” and I am still waiting.  We are still waiting.  Anger and frustration don’t even scratch the surface of how I am feeling.   Why call me last week and say any day now when it wouldn’t be.  Do they know how it feels to be in our shoes?  Not only do we have to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night without our daughter, the one person we love more than anything in this world, but we have to face every day not knowing what took her from us.  Obviously they don’t or they wouldn’t have told me any day now.

All week I have been on edge.  Every time my phone rings, my heart races, my stomach drops and panic runs through my veins.  Each time my phone rings, I expect it is them calling to finally tell me what took my beautiful daughter away from me so suddenly without anyone noticing something was wrong and each time I am disappointed when it isn’t them.  I wake up every morning with a nervous stomach, nausea sets in and I feel horrible.  I drag myself to the office where I have no focus.  I can’t plan anything because I anticipate any day now I will get the news and need some time away from work and life to process.  At the end of the day, it sets in that today is not the day.  I start to feel better for a little bit, the panic subsides until it’s time to go to sleep.  Getting ready for bed, it starts all over again; tomorrow could finally be the day.  My stomach is in knots, my mind races, sleep is almost impossible.   This has been my routine for the last week and it looks like that will be how next week goes as well.  This weekend my anxiety will subside slightly as I know they won’t be calling but next week I will go back to my “any day now” mentality and the feelings that come along with it.

I don’t know why I need to know so badly.  I don’t know what to expect to feel when I get the news but the anticipation of this news is enough to drive me insane.  I don’t understand what is taking so long.  I just want answers.  I need answers.  I need to be able to process this information.  I hate not knowing. 

I hate everything about this.

Awkward Comments

People say stupid things when they don’t know what else to say.  Here we are 3 months later and I feel the awkwardness all the time.  We walk into church and I can feel it, all eyes on us.  I answer the phone at work, on the other end someone who doesn’t realize I’m back and I can tell they want to hang up; they aren’t ready to talk to me.  They stumble over what to say and hurry off the phone.  I am that girl, the girl who lost her baby.  Nobody knows how to handle seeing me or talking to me.  So I am forced to endure their awkwardness that generally just annoys me.

How are you? – I always reply with OK or hanging in there.  I don’t burden them with the truth.  The truth is that every day I wake up to my own personal hell, a nightmare that will never end.  That I am angry and bitter.  Nope, I don’t tell them the truth, why would I want to make them uncomfortable?

You look great. – Really, lie to me some more.  I don’t look great.  I still have 30 pounds to lose, my skin is going through puberty again as it trys to handle my ever changing hormones, I don’t care to do my hair or make-up more than enough to be considered presentable at work or in public.  So, really, don’t lie.  Don’t even make the comment.  It just annoys me more than it makes me feel better.

A future lost, a present full of anger and bitterness

And just like that, she’s been gone for 3 whole months and I am still full of questions, still waiting for answers, still full of a variety of emotions.

I’ve been dreading today.  It’s been a quarter of a year since she has been in Heaven, a whole trimester of pregnancy. I dread today because it brings back the memories of that day.  Memories I try to block out most days.  I remember every detail of that awful day like it just happened yesterday.  The details of that horrible day are permanently burned into my mind.  I can see it all so clear.  That day, that morning changed my life forever.  In an instant, I was a changed woman.

I went from a tired but ecstatic first time mom, figuring out the best techniques for breastfeeding and charting every feeding and diaper change to a grieving mom.  A mother who was just told her baby was gone, a mother who found out that the life she saw in the future, a life where she watched her baby girl take her first steps, say her first words, start school, go away to college, get married and have babies of her own was gone and never coming back.   A mother whose heart crumbled to a million pieces in that moment, pieces that will never be found, a heart that will never be complete again.  My life, our future, our little girl was gone just like that and we couldn’t do anything to change it.  We left the hospital in shock, completely lost.