2nd Birthday

Avery's 2nd birthday and anniversary came and went. This year I honestly was in a fog during that time. I wanted to show her how much we love and miss her. It at the same time, missing her is still exhausting and I really wanted to just get it over with. I know that sounds horrible. But I think I just wanted to prevent that this wasn't happening...again. Again we were buying pink decorations, balloons and having a cake made for our daughter who isn't even here. It's so unfair. All I want is to be stressed out over wrangling her, invites, family, friends, good, presents-all the craziness that planning a birthday party entails. But instead, I plan a memorial birthday, slightly worried that people will think we are crazy and that nobody will celebrate with us. 

But once again we were beyond blessed with all of the friends and family that came to celebrate her birthday with us. We sent balloons to her in Heaven and had a beautiful cake for her. This year everyone chipped in to have her name included on the new Angel of Hope monument being placed an hour north of us. Her grave was beautifully decorated by my best friends yet again this year. It really was a beautiful day.

For her birthday week we encouraged many to perform RAOK in her memory from the 6th - 12th. Once again I was blown away from how far Avery reached people. From the west to east coast of the US, Canada and in between, we heard from those, who even though they had never met Avery, were touched by her story. Finding positive focus during such a hard week really helped me through. 

The 12th was once again the worse day, well actually it really was the 11th. There is something about knowing that on that day just two years before, she was still with us, still in our arms. It's still so hard to wrap my head around how fast things can flip upside down. Nothing is guaranteed. Life is not predictable. And that day is the ever constant reminder of the fragility of life.

Now we enter another year without her. More holidays, more family events, more emptiness. This year I will strive to bring more good into this world, to keep her legacy going and to be the best mom to my two beautiful girls. 

He Hurts Too

I feel like most people look at a couple who has lost a child and automatically focus on the mother the most.  Maybe it’s because we are the ones who will cry in public, our voices tremble as we try to talk about our children in public and we are the ones who go to drastic lengths necessary to avoid triggers.  I hate that many times it seems as if people overlook how my husband is doing without Avery here.

Yes, he can handle situations that set me off.  Yes, he rarely cries in public and yes, he can talk about her with strength in his voice.  But he is still hurting.  He hurts everyday like I do; yet, I can hear people asking him how I am doing.  Rarely do I get the same sympathetic look followed by a question about him.  Maybe it’s because throughout history men have been the symbols of strength.  Maybe it’s because women are often thought of as the weaker sex.  Whatever the reason, it really bothers me.  He hurts too.

What people don’t see are the tears he sheds.  What people don’t hear is the anger, pain and anguish in his voice when the reality of life sets in.  What people don’t see is a Dad who takes pride in ensuring that his daughter’s grave is cleaned weekly.  What people don’t see is a Dad who avoids key points of a wedding, watching a Dad give his daughter away, a Dad toast the newlyweds and a Dad dance with his beaming daughter on her wedding day because it’s is a punch to the gut for him.  He will never get to do that with Avery.  He won’t get to teach her to drive, won’t get to be the protective Daddy when she brings home a boy.  What they don’t see is a Dad who will sit in her room just to be in there and hold her Molly bear close.

Even though people may not witness him in his times of deep grief, they happen.  He grieves too.  He misses her too.  He loves her too.  He wanted her too.

If you are reading this, please know that even if the male in a relationship, which has experienced a loss, seems to be doing well, know that deep down, he hurts too. 

My Butterfly

I was honored to attend our cousin, Shelby's 9th grade reading this week. The students were tasked with writing and performing a poem. Shelby wrote of her bond with Avery, a cousin she only met via I-Message. I am still in awe of the talent of such a beautiful, young woman. I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming and so proud of my Avery who continues to touch the lives of those around us. Again I am reminded that Avery's memory will continue on as she watches us from above.

Avery
written by Shelby Beach

She started as a caterpillar;
a tiny, nearly complete creature,
growing and developing
until metamorphosis took hold.
The wings she grew were
magnificent,
a bright, vivid pink
so different from the others.
Treasured and adored.
She symbolizes love,
beauty,
and the whole hearts
of those who crossed paths with her,
whether it was during
the nine months in the womb
or the six days she spent with us.
Because, you see,
this is no ordinary butterfly.
This is my butterfly.
The one I watched
grow and develop,
who was a princess
to the family that was mainly princes.
Who defined for me
unrefined beauty,
and just how capable my heart is
of loving someone,
though even someone so new,
and so small.
The trouble with butterflies though
is their time spent in the garden is short.
They come along,
Jump from flower to flower,
Family member to family member,
Pollinating so as to
Bud something within our hearts…
Then they fly from us
as quickly as they arrived.
She landed on Earth,
captivated everyone simply by existing,
then, using her ornate wings,
ascended to the angels.
But there remains the memory
of the caterpillar growing,
breaking free of the cocoon.
There’s always her,
emerging as a beautiful little girl;
her perfect, tiny features,
though stolen from my eyes
too soon.
There's always her.
As long as these live on,
I will continue the life she began,
until the day we can fly together...
pink wings,
connected by a blue sky
and a cousinly bond
that will never separate us.

They melt my heart

Today I want to recognize Avery's awesome cousins. She has the best cousins. And even though they are young, they each still remember and love her. Today after church they all came to the cemetery with us. They helped me arrange new flowers for her and spent time exploring the older graves. They find it so interesting reading dates from the 1700's on the stones. I often wonder what goes through their heads, especially when it comes to Avery. They were supposed to teach her baseball not visit her grave. They are still so innocent and often say and do the sweetest things.

They truly melt my heart.

Today, Tanner who just turned 7 was baptized. Tanner is the cousin with the softest heart. He loves encouraging others and hates seeing people upset. Before he was baptized he told his Papaw, "I'm excited I get to go see Avery in Heaven one day." He also likes pink iced donuts because the pink reminds him of Avery and wants a tattoo of Avery's name just like my husband.

Tanner has two brothers Vaughn and Cannon who also talk about Avery all the time and they wear their pink polos often in memory of her. For Easter they all left cute handwritten cards to her at the cemetery.

Then there's Jackson and Tucker. They were the last two, other than my husband and I, to hold Avery. Jackson is only 3 and loves matchbox cars. He now has a pink one that he calls his "Avery car." And even when not paying attention to the conversation, if he hears Avery mentioned, he asks, "baby Avery?" Tucker loves Avery too. He's helped write her name in the sand at the beach and in cars for us. And has helped Papaw pick out flowers for her, he found baby's breath to be appropriate, after all she is just a baby.

Did I mention, these boys melt my heart?

All of these little guys remember their littlest cousin who they all only met twice. If you ask where she is, they will tell you she's in heaven with Jesus. I often wonder over the years how this will affect them. They've watched us fall apart and slowly start to pick up the pieces. They've cried at her funeral and now play around her grave.

For the longest time I worried people would slowly forget her. After reflecting today over how much her cousins think of her, I'm reminded yet again that forgetting her will be impossible for anyone to do. Today I'm thankful for these little guys who melt my heart with their love for their little cousin.

Tucker, Cannon, Vaughn and Tanner (Jackson not pictured)

Gratitude to "Those" People in My Life

I had a few nice things happen the past few days to help me realize how many people I have in my life that support me. My mom remembered yesterday was a hard day and sent me flowers. I had a great lunch today with my OB doctor who I love and have a ton of respect for. And I was able to really think about something a very good friend sent to me the other day:

"Only trust someone who can see these three things in you: the sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger and the reason behind your silence."

After reflecting on this awhile today I am so grateful for those people in my life who can seem past the facade I have built these last 8 months.

Those who know that just because I am able to smile or laugh doesn't mean I'm "all better." Those who know that the things I say sometimes or the anger I show is simply because I hurt with a pain that cuts deeper than imaginable, a pain so fierce that unless you've lost a child you wouldn't understand it (and I wouldn't want you to). Those who know when I've been quiet too long that its not personal rather I'm just having a few bad days and those who go out of their way to check on me when it does happen.

Those who remember the 6th and the 12th are still hellish for me and go out of their way to let me know they remember Avery and me on those days. Those who let me talk about Avery at length even when they've heard it all before. Those who visit Avery at the cemetery so often that the grass is worn down. Those who write her name for me. Those who take me to lunch and let me talk about us and Avery the majority of the time. Those who think before they speak so not to hurt us with their words unintentionally. Those who read this mess of a blog quietly and don't take offense when I'm ranting and raving. Those who've told me they read this and they actually have found help or comfort in the words I wrote.

Those people I work with that understand when I take a "sad day." Those who still bring Avery up first. Those who tell me how often they think about her. Those whose children know who Avery is and remember her too. Those who let me be silent in a room full of people. Those who wear their pink Avery bracelets and those who put her "A" on their cars. Those who raised money for a playground in her name and have spent countless hours making it perfect.

To all of "those" people, you know who you are. Some of you we've know for years, others a short time. Some are family, others friends. But each of you mean more to us than you will ever know and I am beyond blessed to have you by my side through this journey. Thank you all!