The 2nd Annual Avery Diane Hanson Memorial Golf Tournament

The Second Annual Avery Diane Hanson Memorial Golf Tournament went amazing. We raised just over $9,000 for Avery's Light and Molly Bears. It was once again such a very humbling experience. The outpouring of love, even 15 months later, is much more than expected. It warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes that it's all because of my Avery. 

We've spent countless hours over the last three months planning the tournament. It's such a bittersweet experience. On one hand I am full of pride, how many people can say their 6 day old daughter has impacted so many? But on the other hand, I dreaded planning it, who really wants to plan events in memory of their infant daughter?  All in all however I've come away from the experience moved. We will help full the arms of over 100 families with bears from Molly Bears and still have funds to help those in our community. 

Over 25 volunteers and 100 golfers made the day as successful as it was. We had the support of over 50 local businesses. Everyone who was part of this event committed to helping the community of bereaved parents, everyone of those people helping break the silence. 

I will forever be grateful for each and every person who took time out of their busy schedules to think about Avery and all of the other babies gone much too soon. I truly cannot put into words how touched I am by the success of the event. We will continue to make this an annual event and continue to speak out for Avery and her friends in Heaven. 

Although the void she left will never be filled, I am so thankful to be doing good in her name and to continue to have others do the same. 

Much love to everyone who keeps the light Avery brought into this world shining for all to see. 

"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light."

~Albert Schweitzer

Avery sending us her love during the tournament. This A appeared in the sky that day and could be seen all over the golf course. 

Grief Sunglasses

Once upon a time, i had a beautiful pair of glasses. I wore them most days. These glasses were rose colored and trough them, the world seemed bright. Those glasses fell from my face on June 12th, were ran over by a semi and will never make their way back to me. I replaced these shades with big, dark grief glasses. Every day, I enter the world with them tightly pressed to my face.

Most days, the glasses keep me in a fog, unable to see through the grey. But lately, Ive noticed the tint on the glasses beginning to fade a bit. This morning however, for a brief moment, i could almost see clearly through them.

A good friend had a necklace made for me a few months after Avery passed. I knew immediately I would hang it from the rear view mirror in my car so I could have it with me everywhere I go.

This necklace has hung in my car for months. I see it almost daily. But today, something about watching the necklace glitter and shine so bright in the morning sun, really resonated with me. The light finally pierced my grief sunglasses I've been sporting the last 9 months.

I've tried numerous times to snap a picture of the reflections of light the necklace spreads across my car to and from work each day but the pictures never do it justice. And today I realized, maybe I'm not supposed to be able to capture to true beauty of this necklace and its reflections on film. Maybe this is one of those moments sent down to me from Avery for only me to enjoy. A time for me to feel like shes riding along with me. The reflections of this beautiful necklace now have a new meaning.

The whole way to work, I just felt such a sense of peace and calm thinking about the necklace and its glimmers of light in that way. Avery brought so much light into my world and continues to do so daily. Sometimes it may take me awhile to see the light through my grief sunglasses, but there is always some beautiful light to be found.

For the friend who had the necklace made for me, thank you again! The necklace has so much more meaning to me than ever before.

Gratitude to "Those" People in My Life

I had a few nice things happen the past few days to help me realize how many people I have in my life that support me. My mom remembered yesterday was a hard day and sent me flowers. I had a great lunch today with my OB doctor who I love and have a ton of respect for. And I was able to really think about something a very good friend sent to me the other day:

"Only trust someone who can see these three things in you: the sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger and the reason behind your silence."

After reflecting on this awhile today I am so grateful for those people in my life who can seem past the facade I have built these last 8 months.

Those who know that just because I am able to smile or laugh doesn't mean I'm "all better." Those who know that the things I say sometimes or the anger I show is simply because I hurt with a pain that cuts deeper than imaginable, a pain so fierce that unless you've lost a child you wouldn't understand it (and I wouldn't want you to). Those who know when I've been quiet too long that its not personal rather I'm just having a few bad days and those who go out of their way to check on me when it does happen.

Those who remember the 6th and the 12th are still hellish for me and go out of their way to let me know they remember Avery and me on those days. Those who let me talk about Avery at length even when they've heard it all before. Those who visit Avery at the cemetery so often that the grass is worn down. Those who write her name for me. Those who take me to lunch and let me talk about us and Avery the majority of the time. Those who think before they speak so not to hurt us with their words unintentionally. Those who read this mess of a blog quietly and don't take offense when I'm ranting and raving. Those who've told me they read this and they actually have found help or comfort in the words I wrote.

Those people I work with that understand when I take a "sad day." Those who still bring Avery up first. Those who tell me how often they think about her. Those whose children know who Avery is and remember her too. Those who let me be silent in a room full of people. Those who wear their pink Avery bracelets and those who put her "A" on their cars. Those who raised money for a playground in her name and have spent countless hours making it perfect.

To all of "those" people, you know who you are. Some of you we've know for years, others a short time. Some are family, others friends. But each of you mean more to us than you will ever know and I am beyond blessed to have you by my side through this journey. Thank you all!

FInding a glimpse of light when surrounded by darkness

To put it mildly, this past week, I have been quite a mess of emotions.  I’ve been feeling very anxious with Christmas and New Year’s approaching.  I am dreading of facing those holidays physically as family of 2 instead of 3 like I thought we would.  The looming holidays are exhausting enough.  Then the tragic events that happened a week ago in Connecticut have brought back a wave of emotions.  In some ways, I feel it has renewed my grief.  It brings me back to where I was 6 months ago, when my grief was so raw and I was still in shock.  The ache I feel in my heart for all of those families whose lives were turned upside down in an instant is deep.  Hearing daily that yet another innocent child is being laid to rest makes me relive those first days after losing Avery over and over.  My heart breaks for those families and they are in my prayers as they too approach the holidays without their angels.  It is so overwhelming how unfair life can turn out. 

Yesterday, anger was my driving emotion, as you can tell from my post.  Today, even though I am emotionally exhausted and would love to just go to sleep and wake up after the holidays, I am trying to be positive.  I am trying to remind myself that there are many people who do care about us and do remember Avery constantly.  I am trying to remind myself that while this life does not make sense and this world is unjust that there is still good to be found.

I’d like to post about a few good things that have happened recently.

Facing my fear

Today was a really hard day for me.  I didn’t get much sleep last night and while I wish it was because I was up with a fussy baby but that is not the case.  I just couldn’t sleep and so I laid there and my mind wandered.  A few months ago, a sleepless night was very common.  Slowly, my sleep is getting more regular.  A few months ago, I would relive that horrific day over and over in my mind when I couldn’t sleep, sending me into more of a panic.  Now, I am able to mainly refocus my thoughts to her and the time I did have with her when the bad memories creep in.  My sleepless night last night wasn’t as bad as it would have been a few months ago.  Somehow my grief is evolving and that scares me.  When I am deep in my sorrow, I feel like I am not so far distanced from the time she was here.  When I am deep in pain, I know how much I miss her-my heart literally hurts for her.  Lately, I don’t cry as much or have as many days where I simply cannot get out of bed.  It scares me that I will move on without her. 

I’ve said it many times, I loathe the term “moving on.” To me it implies putting the past completely behind you and forgetting it.  Because of this, I will never simply move on like many have implied I should.  I will never put Avery behind me or forget the little girl who changed so many people’s worlds in her 6 days here on Earth.  But, I have to admit, I am progressing; moving forward perhaps? I don’t know.  All I know is I am able to function a little bit better. 

I’ve digressed, sorry.  Back to why today was hard.

A Haircut with God

I’ve needed to get my hair cut and colored for at least the past 2 months. I don’t really give much thought to my looks anymore but my hair is starting to be more work than it’s worth and I have some big work meetings coming up soon so it really needed to be done. I’ve been dreading going to my normal hair salon as there is a girl there who is pregnant, very pregnant.  She is a nice enough girl but she is one of those that as a BLM you look at and think, really?!  The universe has a funny way of being fair.  I say this not trying to sound judgmental.  She is very nice and I am sure she will make a fine mom, she just is very annoying to me right now and I really don’t want to be in such close quarters with her. 

So, I decided to switch it up and find someone new to do my hair.  I’ve been putting this off because I knew how it would go…

 Hairstylist:  “Hi.” “How are you today?” Me:  “Hi, nice to meet you.  I’m fine” --LIE

Hairstylist:  “What do you do for work?” Me:  “I work, blah, blah, boring, boring.” –NOT SO BAD

Hairstylist:  “Are you married?” Me:  “Yes, I’ve been married for 5 years now, my husband is amazing.” –AN EASY ONE

Hairstylist:  “Do you have any kids?”  Me:  RUN, HIDE, CRY

This is typical talk when you are meeting anyone new and need to make small talk to get a conversation started.  For a normal person, these questions are harmless, I’ve asked them myself.  But to a BLM it can incite fear and panic.  That’s how I’ve felt all day.  I have been so nervous for this appointment.  I even thought about cancelling it (and have once prior).  But against my better judgment, I kept the appointment, put on my fake face and my armor over my heart and headed to the appointment. 

30 Days of Thanks

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, everyone and their mom seems to be participating in the 30 days of thanks on Facebook or on their blogs.  I really like the idea and I even through about taking part but I am in such a dark place, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it and for that I feel like a horrible human being.   

I know I have a lot to be thankful for but the one thing I wanted most isn’t here so I feel like I have nothing.  I am not even sure that makes sense.  Maybe it’s just me not wanting to be happy.  I really don’t know.  I just can’t focus on what I AM thankful for when so much of me is still questioning WHY she is gone.

I’ve questioned God a lot lately.  At first, I felt like a bad Christian for doing this.  I mean, God is God-who questions the creator of Heaven and Earth?  He knows all and has given us so much yet I am left feeling abandoned, crushed and disappointed.  Why would He do this to us? Why would He do this to anyone?  Doesn’t He get how awful this is? How am I supposed to turn to Him, when He could have saved her and didn’t?  Why put me through such a crappy childhood and then give me Avery to carry for 9 months, to hold her for 6 days and get my hopes up that I was going to be able to give her the family/childhood I never had?  Why break our hearts like this?  The truth is I will never know the answers to these questions.  And while I’ve been questioning Him a lot lately and feeling bad for it, yesterday our counselor reminded me that there is nothing wrong with questioning.  He is our Heavenly Father and like earthly fathers, we are allowed to question.  She reminded me that even though I feel a million miles away from Him, He is still there and is listening to me through my anger and tears.  And while He isn’t giving me answers, He is listening.  And for some reason, that makes me feel just a little bit better.

Days 15 & 16

Avery's Candle at Our House

 Yesterday was quite the day which is why I am behind in posting for the Capture your Grief Challenge.  Yesterday’s challenge was to post your “wave of light.”  According to the October 15^th website, www.october15.com, everyone worldwide is encouraged to light a candle at 7pm in their time zone to remember all of the babies gone too soon.  The goal is to keep the “wave of light” going for 24 hours.  To participate in this event, my husband, myself and two friends, who have also experienced a loss, traveled to Indialantic, FL to attend a beachside luminary ceremony. 

We arrived to the event hosted by Elizabeth Ministry ofMelbourne and were warmly welcomed.  We were given luminaries to decorate for our babies.  Then we all met on the beach and lit our luminaries in the shape of a cross as the sun was setting.  After dark, we all gathered, a poem was read and we shared stories of loss.  It was an incredible experience.  Families from all stages of loss were there uniting as one for our babies. 

Day 14: Community

Today’s photo challenge was to post a photo of a community event you have attended.  Tomorrow will be my first October 15^th since we lost Avery and I plan on attending a luminary and lantern ceremony at the beach.  I have not attended any official “baby loss” events to date.  However, a month after Avery passed, our friends put together a golf tournament in her honor.  Being that our loss was still so new and we didn’t have (and still don’t have) the findings from her autopsy, we decided to raise money to build a playground at our church.  The playground will be dedicated to Avery and be called “Avery’s Place.”
The tournament, which was put together in less than 3 weeks, was amazing.  The community outpouring was overwhelming.  We had 80 golfers at the event and many more attend just to be there.  Food was donated by our local bar-b-que restaurant as well as so many prizes for a raffle.  The day was incredible.  There were so many there to not only support us, but to remember Avery.  In total we raised over $8,000 for Avery’s Place and hope to have the playground complete by the end of the year.

We live in a small town where to do anything “fun” you normally have to drive to a bigger community.  We use to joke about living were we live and how boring it is.  But after experiencing what we have over the last 4 months, I love this community.  There have been so many people here to support us; I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.  We plan to hold a golf tournament every year now in October.  I hope to bring more awareness to October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

Tomorrow, I will attend my first official “baby loss” event.  My husband and I are attending with friends who too are a part of this baby loss community.  A community unlike our town, that I still wish I wasn’t a part of but one that I have also found support and love in. 

Day 11: Supportive Family/Friends

Today’s challenge was a picture of your supportive family and friends.  My husband and I are truly blessed with the outpouring of support we had after Avery left us.  Her service had over 500 people there to remember our daughter and to show their love and support for us.  I am forever grateful to all of these people who have been there for us.  For weeks, cards flooded our mailbox.  Our family has been buy our side as well as our friends.  However, when it comes down to MY biggest support, I have to say, if it was not for my husband, I don’t know if I would be even remotely close to the place I am currently at.

Even before Avery was born, during labor, he was my rock.  When the pain was intense and I just wanted to give up, he was there holding my hand, looking me in the eyes, encouraging me.  When it was decided I needed a c-section, he was there holding my hand as I was getting more nervous and anxious.  He held my hand during the surgery and when Avery came out, he was there by her side when I couldn’t be.  Instantly, he was the protective father and husband.  He was with Avery, while they stitched me up, keeping her company and safe. 

When we finally got to come home 2 days later, he was there for me.  When I couldn’t get out of bed easily or out of the chair, he was there to help me.  He would help make sure I was comfortable, change diapers, and help me prep to nurse.  He was there.  We were able to spend all 6 days of her short life together, the three of us.  We fell in love more over those 6 days than I ever thought possible. 

And when the unimaginable happened, we held each other, cried together and fell apart together.  When the time came to plan her funeral, he took charge when I couldn’t think.  He talked to people for me when I couldn’t.  When the services were over and the family went away, he was still there.  There each day with me for 2 weeks after we lost her.  And when he ran out of vacation time and so did I from work, he sucked up his emotions and went back to work so we would be OK financially.  Yet, was there when I would call him crying, came home from work when I couldn’t handle being alone.  And he is still there. On mornings when I feel like I cannot go to work, he tells me to do what I need to do.  He doesn’t force me to “get over it.” He doesn’t make me feel crazy or guilty for being so distraught.  Instead, at night, almost every night, when I cry myself to sleep, he holds me.  He is the only one who knows the horror we faced that morning and every day since.  He is the only one who can truly get how it feels to be in our empty house.  He is the only one who gets how our lives will never again be how we imagined they would be.  He is the only one who gets what it’s like to miss our beautiful daughter the way I do.

In a time when many couples grow apart and place blame, my husband is my rock, he helps me get through yet another day of facing this horrible reality.  I am so blessed and thankful that I have him with me through this.   She had him wrapped around her finger in just 6 days and he is the most wonderful father and husband I can think of.  Avery was truly her daddy’s girl.  I love this picture of the two of them.  It was taken early in the morning on June 7^th when Avery was a day old.  You can see the love in his eyes through the tiredness. 

Day 5: Memorial

Today’s photo challenge was to post a picture of your child’s memorial.  This picture is of Avery’s headstone.  The headstone is something we put a lot of thought into as it really is the last item we get to purchase for her.  We wanted something unique and beautiful, just like her.  This picture was taken the day we revealed to our family that lives near us.  It was such a bittersweet moment. 

Avery’s gravesite is absolutely beautiful.  She is right behind “Baby Land;” still close to the other little ones gone too soon.  She is under an old oak tree so her area is always shady but her place stands out.  Her dark stone with pink details is one of a kind, just like her.  It really is a beautiful peaceful spot.  Whenever I need to just be, I go visit her.  And it warms my heart to know that others go there to visit as well.  At least once a week, when we arrive there is something new there for her.  Flowers, pinwheels, teddy bears, etc., I am never quite sure who leaves them but just knowing that she is loved and visited by so many brings tears to my eyes every time. 

While I know that Avery is where me everywhere I go, I still hate leaving town for multiple days.  I hate that I cannot just go to her place whenever I want when I am out of town.  I am very apprehensive as today I am packing for a weekend trip to Chicago.  I know that I don’t have to go to the cemetery to be with her but I always feel guilty if I’m not there as often.  However, I know she won’t be alone.  I know family and friends in town will stop by to say hi to her. 

Awkward Comments

People say stupid things when they don’t know what else to say.  Here we are 3 months later and I feel the awkwardness all the time.  We walk into church and I can feel it, all eyes on us.  I answer the phone at work, on the other end someone who doesn’t realize I’m back and I can tell they want to hang up; they aren’t ready to talk to me.  They stumble over what to say and hurry off the phone.  I am that girl, the girl who lost her baby.  Nobody knows how to handle seeing me or talking to me.  So I am forced to endure their awkwardness that generally just annoys me.

How are you? – I always reply with OK or hanging in there.  I don’t burden them with the truth.  The truth is that every day I wake up to my own personal hell, a nightmare that will never end.  That I am angry and bitter.  Nope, I don’t tell them the truth, why would I want to make them uncomfortable?

You look great. – Really, lie to me some more.  I don’t look great.  I still have 30 pounds to lose, my skin is going through puberty again as it trys to handle my ever changing hormones, I don’t care to do my hair or make-up more than enough to be considered presentable at work or in public.  So, really, don’t lie.  Don’t even make the comment.  It just annoys me more than it makes me feel better.

Happy 3 Month Birthday Baby Girl

Today my little girl turns 3 months old in Heaven and not in my arms.  The past 3 months have gone excruciatingly slow yet I cannot believe it’s already been 3 months since I gave birth to a little miracle.  3 months ago I was enjoying by far the best day of my life.  I am overcome by so many emotions today.  I am full of “should bes” and sadness.  I should be taking pictures of her today to track her growth in photos and I should be journaling what she’s accomplished, her habits, personality, etc.  I have so many “should be” moments that will never become a reality for Avery and me.  Today, I could focus on the sadness of marking her 3 months without her but today, I am choosing to remember the good and focus on the positive.  My daughter, who only lived 6 days, impacted me in ways I never realized possible.  Today, and hopefully every monthly birthday, I will focus on the good that came to be because of my beautiful, precious daughter.

Avery has…