I think I've reached my breaking point...

Tonight insomnia has become my enemy again.  I can’t sleep so my mind runs wild.  As I lay in bed trying to sleep, my mind drifts to the past.  Monday nights/early morning Tuesday is always very hard for me.  Tonight is no different.

19 weeks ago at this time, I was up for a late night feeding with Avery.  What I didn’t know at that time was this midnight feeding would be the second to last that I would ever share with her.  This time 19 weeks ago I was slightly anxious that my husband was going back to work in the morning and it would just be Avery and I.  I was nervous about being all alone with her for the first time because I was still I a bit of pain for my c-section but I was excited to spend the full day with my girl.  Unfortunately, I never got to see that part of my future.  When my husband’s alarm went off for work that morning 19 weeks ago, just an hour after I dozed off after checking on her in her basinet beside me, our world shattered into a million tiny pieces.  As I lay in bed tonight, trying to sleep, my heart throbs with a pain so deep it physically hurts.  She isn’t here and like every Monday night for the past 19 weeks, I relive those beautiful last moments I had with Avery when the world was still perfect.  I can’t believe how quickly your life can go from absolutely wonderful to a nightmare that you just wish you would wake up from. 

Monday nights also bring me back to 20 weeks ago, when I was anxious and barely able to sleep because the next day, I was headed to the hospital to be induced.  Just 20 weeks ago, my life was bright and so full of hope.  That night, I couldn’t sleep, so around 3 in the morning, I woke up, ate some cereal and just sat alone in the living room, relaxing in the peace of the middle of the night and enjoying her dancing around inside me.   It was such a calm morning.  We were all so excited that Avery would be making us a family.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I would be sitting here like this tonight. 

No escape

Since when is every TV show, news story or commercial about babies and/or families?  I mean seriously, can I get a freaking break?!? 

I really like to try to escape from my own head, from this hell that is now my reality.  Through the summer, my husband and I probably watched a million stupid movies nobody has ever heard of.  We’ve pretty much rented every movie at Red Box that doesn’t look like it would trigger anything.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little stronger so we have attempted some TV shows, this has mostly been an epic fail.  We’ve never watched Modern Family but gave it a try-ended up crying because we will never get to drop Avery off at college.  Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, shows I’ve watched for a while, I’ve now deleted from my DVR-too much death.  This week, my husband and I started Mike & Molly, normally a safe bet, it was turned off within 5 minutes as they talked about how they’d simply get pregnant and 9 months later have a baby. “Hopefully,” I thought.  Maybe they should add they have only a 75% chance everything will be OK.  Next we changed to How I Met Your Mother, yep they have a baby now-another fail.  The League, a sports comedy, surely this would be a winner.  Nope, they give up the naming rights of their baby for a better draft pick, while giving birth.  Are you kidding me, let’s completely mock the process of bringing a live into this world. 

Venting: Getting my anger and bitterness out

WARNING: If anyone actually reads this, please know I am venting and some of this may come off as judgmental.

There is so much floating around in my head this week, I don’t even know how to process.  I’m angry, anxious, bitter, empty, heartbroken, sad and so overwhelmed.  Since our trip last week I feel like I am going backwards.  I was doing relatively well the past 2 weeks (relatively as in as good as I can be doing without my daughter at home with me).  I was making it through the day, making it through work, getting things accomplished.  My breakdowns were manageable and mostly occurred in the morning or at night in the privacy of my home.  But since we went to Chicago last week I’ve been a mess all over again.  Greif is definitely cyclical.

Last week we went to Chicago with some friends.  Don’t get me wrong, the trip was enjoyable but something about changing my routine and being outside of my normal comfort zone has sent me down the ugly grief tunnel again.  I know even when I have my “good” weeks, I am still grieving but I feel like I am grieving in a healthier way, a way where I can function.  Since getting back, I feel like I back in the dark grief zone, the zone where dealing with everyday life is hard, it’s so hard to function.  It seems like everywhere I turn this week I am being slapped in the face by something that sets me back even further, mostly things that just reiterate how unfair this life is, making me angrier.  It feels like the angrier I get the more empty and heartbroken I feel.  The reality of life without my daughter sinks in a little bit more, twisting the knife in my heart yet again. 

God's perfect timing

It’s bittersweet; her headstone is finally placed at her graveside.  It’s is beautiful.  We are very blessed to have known the man who created the stone for her.  He did an amazing job.  The stone stands out, just like she would have.  It adds even more beauty to the part of the cemetery in which she is buried.  I am so thankful that the stone is finally there; marking her resting place for the entire world to see.  For the last 3 plus months, her place has been marked by a plant and a few pretty pin wheels that someone placed there for her.  I am glad to see that her space finally looks official.  But I also know this is one of the last few things I get to do for my daughter.  I should have a lifetime of buying her things but instead I am purchasing a piece of granite to mark the burial place for my 6 day old daughter. 

The timing of the headstone being placed is perfect.  For the past several weeks I have been anxiously awaiting her headstone and her autopsy results.  As always, God’s timing on placing her headstone was perfect.  I received a call from the Medical Examiner’s office today.  They were calling to let me know all the results from the tests they conducted were back and as soon as the Examiner reviewed everything and finalized the report they could release the results to us.  They were at least able to tell me the results indicate an actual cause, that it would not be ruled as SIDS.  Receiving this news put me in a tailspin. 

A future lost, a present full of anger and bitterness

And just like that, she’s been gone for 3 whole months and I am still full of questions, still waiting for answers, still full of a variety of emotions.

I’ve been dreading today.  It’s been a quarter of a year since she has been in Heaven, a whole trimester of pregnancy. I dread today because it brings back the memories of that day.  Memories I try to block out most days.  I remember every detail of that awful day like it just happened yesterday.  The details of that horrible day are permanently burned into my mind.  I can see it all so clear.  That day, that morning changed my life forever.  In an instant, I was a changed woman.

I went from a tired but ecstatic first time mom, figuring out the best techniques for breastfeeding and charting every feeding and diaper change to a grieving mom.  A mother who was just told her baby was gone, a mother who found out that the life she saw in the future, a life where she watched her baby girl take her first steps, say her first words, start school, go away to college, get married and have babies of her own was gone and never coming back.   A mother whose heart crumbled to a million pieces in that moment, pieces that will never be found, a heart that will never be complete again.  My life, our future, our little girl was gone just like that and we couldn’t do anything to change it.  We left the hospital in shock, completely lost.