It's yet again one of those days where I can't help but dwell on the fact that today is NOT the way it should be. Avery should be here celebrating Halloween with her cousins. She should be trick or treating for the second time but for the first time as a toddler. Stumbling from house to house. I imagine what she may be dressed as this year. A princess? A cute ladybug? I don't even know what costumes are out there for a child her age.
I've avoided the Halloween section of Target. Tonight, we've turned off our porch lights avoiding knocks on our door from adorable children wanting candy. It's not because I'm a grouch. I just don't want to have a break down in front of an innocent family who shows up with a little brunette girl Avery's age. What a mess I would be crying as I have out candy. Heart breaking as I watch the family walk down the drive. Happy. Doing what I want to be doing tonight.
It's sinking in tonight that the holiday season is now upon us. Pumpkins will turn to turkeys and then we will be surrounded by carols, lights, presents and trees. The most wonderful time of the year has lists it's charm and yet again I am dreading the holidays. They are stark reminders of what is missing. Of what I thought these days would be like and how they have actually turned out. Last year, we took trips away for the holidays. It was exactly what we needed. As these days get closer, I wish we could do that again. It's not that I don't want to be with our families, I do. It's just so hard to enjoy these days with my little family missing such a large piece.
Like each day since Avery passed, I know we will get through these days. Somehow, someway we always do.
Happy Halloween little girl. We miss you so much.