15 Months

15 Months ago we were spending the evening with family and Avery. Things were going so well at home and we were really getting into a routine of having an infant at home. 15 months ago, life was perfect.  I went to bed that night expecting to spend my first day the next day home alone with Avery. I was nervous but ready to really be a Mom. 

But I never got that far. I never got to spend the day alone with her. And 15 months later, it still kills me that one day everything can be perfect and within a few hours everything can just fall apart. Dreams can be lost, hearts broken and futures lost. 

15 months later and I sit here putting the finishing touches on our 2nd Annual Avery Diane Hanson Memorial Golf Tournament to benefit Avery's Light (www.averyslight.com) and Molly Bears (www.mollybears.com).  And while keeping Avery's memory alive and helping others who are walking this same path is very rewarding, it doesn't compare to holding her in my arms. I will now always work to help others but it will never be enough to fill the void. 

I never expected to be doing this 15 months ago. I never expected to be planning a second memorial fundraising event. I didn't expect to have empty arms. 

Time continues to pass and while I am better at functioning like a 'normal' person, the pain is still very real and cuts deep. Time does not heal wounds, it just helps you get better at managing the bleeding. 

I miss her today and every day just as I did 15 months ago and just as I will 15 years from now.