She's Here

Harper Isla Hanson was born via scheduled csection on January 21st at 7:23 am. She weighed in at 8lbs and was 20 1/4"

Her delivery went amazing and we heard her first cries within just a few minutes of the surgery starting. Hearing those cries put my mind and heart at ease. She was finally here. After they cleaned her up, my husband was able to bring her to me and lay her on my chest while they finished the surgery. It was amazing not being automatically separated once she was born. Having her right there on me, crying, gave me such a sense of peace. She roomed with us the entire hospital stay and only left our side the total of maybe an hour for tests. 

We are home now and she is doing fantastic.  We are head over heals in love with her. It's amazing how much you can love someone instantly. She is perfect and has brought so much happiness to us already. I'm still in awe every time I look at her.  

Having her with us, even with all of the joy she is bringing to us, is an emotional roller coaster. I miss Avery more than ever.  I feel her absence even more.  I worry about Harper so much. In the first week I couldn't sleep. I was afraid if I did, I would awake to that awful nightmare all over again. We have a breathing monitor but I was afraid to use it. Afraid it would sound in the middle of the night and afraid of what the outcome would be. I'm absolutely terrified of the night. Once the sun begins the set, the anxiety creeps into my mind. I am worried about everything.  Every cough, hiccup and noise in the middle of the night worries me. But she's doing great and I have to keep telling myself that. 

Today, Harper is 19 days old. Today and every day, Avery remains 6 days old. Harper has more than tripled her sister's age. And while I am beyond grateful that Harper continues to grow and thrive, I didn't anticipate the emotions I would feel daily as we experience with Harper what we didn't get a chance to with Avery. Every blessed moment with her is amazing but there are so many times   I find myself staring at Harper and wondering what Avery would have been like. I wonder what it would be like with a 20 month old and a newborn. I wonder how they would interact. I wonder if I would be so neurotic. I wonder if I would be more frustrated with two crying so many thoughts and questions run through my mind as I look into Harper's eyes. Questions I will never know the answer to, questions that will always fill my mind and always leave me wondering. 

I'm a mom again and it's a wonderful feeling. I am full of so much love and pride for both of my daughters it often brings tears to my eyes. Life will never be as I once expected but I am so grateful to be able to be a mom to two beautiful girls.