22 Months

Avery's 2nd birthday is 2 months from yesterday. How is that even possible? It still feels like it was just yesterday I was pregnant with her. Yet at the same time it's been 2 long years. Many say time heals all wounds, if that were the case, (which I know it isn't), how much time is supposed to heal a wound like this? For those who believe this trite statement, I can confidently tell you, It's been 2 years and the pain is still very real, I am not healed. 

Yesterday a song came on the radio and it brought me right back to the early days after Avery died. The days where it hurt to breathe and I wanted to hide under the covers everyday. Almost two years, and the pain is still very much present. My heart is broken still and it aches and longs for her. Every. Single. Day. 

Last night I internally debated if I would have rather known what was going to happen on her 6th day. Would I have been any more prepared to deal with the heartache? Would I have lived in each moment more, absorbing each and every second we were given? Or would I have been so overwhelmed with knowing what was coming that I would have just been worrying the whole time, plagued with what was coming? I'm sure parents who've lost have felt this way too. Those who knew their time was short I'm sure have thought about how it would have been if they didn't know and others like me wonder how they would have done more had they known. After debating scenarios in my head, I snapped out if it. The truth is, neither scenario is better because in the end, we are still without a huge piece of our hearts. 

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I've just rambled. I still feel so lost without Avery. And it's really starting to hit me that her birthday is quickly approaching. Another year has flown by without her here. Another year of missed milestones. Another year of living through the pain. 

Time does not heal, it just pushes us further away from what we had but closer to one day being back together. 

One day. 

One day we will reunite. 

One day we will reunite and be a complete family again. 

Until that time, my heart will ache and that piece marked Avery will always be missing.