Friday, May 30, 2014

Bleeding Heart

And just like that, we are a week away from Avery's birthday. Her 2nd birthday. Her second birthday spent in Heaven. How is it that's it's been 2 years already? It just doesn't seen possible. 

And with June only a day away now, I'm back in 2012.  Remembering and reliving the last week of my pregnancy. The sweet time I had with Avery in my arms and that awful morning. I'm still in shock that at this time just 2 years ago life seemed so perfect. Little did I know how upside my world would turn in less than 2 weeks. 

These days leading up to her birthday and angelversary are hell. The thin, fragile stitches I've been able to slowly sew over the gaping hole in my heart to keep from completely bleeding out are unraveling. My wounds are splitting open all over again. The pain feels so fresh, so raw like its 2012 all over again. 

I want nothing more than to crawl in bed, cover the windows and spend the next two weeks hiding from the real world and just let the pain have it's way. As crazy as that may sound, it would be so much easier just to wallow in my pain than try to hide it. It's absolutely exhausting to function when your heart is being broken all over again; to put on a smile, to go through the motions of life when all you want to do is hit rewind and go back. 

I know I cannot go back, I can only go forward. I have to let my heart bleed but I also have to keep working to mend the wound so I don't bleed out. Somehow, even through a bleeding heart, I am surviving. Even if these next 2 weeks feel like they will tear me apart, I've learned over the past 2 years, they won't. 

Every day, I miss her. Every day, it hurts. Every day, my heart bleeds. Yet every day, I'm surviving. 

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