I don't know if I've really shared this with many but I need to get it out.
The night of June 11th, the night before Avery passed, I had this overwhelming fear that something bad was going to happen. It was time to get ready for bed and she was falling asleep in her bassinet and I just sat there crying uncontrollably. I told my husband how I was so afraid something bad was going to happen to her. I just remember feeling so strongly that something bad was going to happen. I was so worried and full of anxiety.
He calmed me down. We talked about how it was normal to be nervous. We talked about how we were doing everything we could to help keep her safe and to help her thrive. I chalked up my anxiety to just that; first mom worry. Adding to the anxiety, I told myself I was extra worried because he was going back to work the next morning. I was nervous about my first day alone, worried because she was actually really fussy earlier in the night which we hadn't experienced with her before that point. I wrote off the fussiness as gas because she had finally nursed so good that night that I didn't want to interrupt her to burp.
That night, I couldn't sleep much. I was up constantly checking on her. At 5 I was absolutely exhausted and finally slept fell asleep for more than 15 minutes. I woke up just an hour later to Eddys alarm clock going off for work and my world falling apart. My fears were realized at that moment.
Needless to say, this has been something I've struggled with. I feel so guilty for ignoring my instincts. Did I subconsciously know that something wasn't right? They say always trust your instincts. But when you are a new mom, your nerves are always on edge. There is no user manual with exact, step by step instructions. You can read every book written and still worry insistently. How can you really separate the two? Internally I battle this. If I would have listened to my gut, would Avery still be here? But what would I have been able to do differently? She wasn't sick, she wasn't injured, she was perfect. If I would have called our pediatrician, they would have thought I was crazy. I know this logically but emotionally it's so hard to separate when that feeling was so strong and my fears actually came to fruition.
Clearly, now when I feel worried about something, it's hard for me to shake. There is ALWAYS that thought on the forefront of my mind that maybe I'm not just being uber paranoid, maybe it's not just worry, maybe there is ACTUALLY something to worry about. Maybe whatever it is I'm freaking out about is legitimate and I need to do something about it. It's a losing battle because I AM uber paranoid now, everything scares the hell out of me and I am terrified Harper will leave us too. How am I to really know what's paranoia and what's instinct?
This week I've had that awful anxious feeling again. I have that feeling that something is going to happen to Harper. And to be honest, I feel like I am going to explode. I am on edge. I cannot relax unless she is right there in front of me. And it is making it so difficult to let her out of my sight. I don't want to leave her and I cannot stop worrying the whole time I am away from her. It's stomach churning, heart beating out of your chest, years ready to fall in an instant, ready to jump out of your skin, hard core anxiety.
It's so hard to manage. I have a job, I have other responsibilities and I am sure all this anxiety is just because our routine is different this week (and last) because her normal sitter (my aunt) is out of town. But she is my absolute top priority and I can't help but worry that it's my intuition kicking in again.
Do I really sense something is wrong?
Am I just overly cautious now?
How do you know?
How will I ever win this battle?
I don't just don't know...