Friday, June 12, 2015

3 years

The clock just hit midnight and just like that, it's June 12th...again, I've been laying in bed for over an hour trying to will myself to sleep and stop my mind from wandering to no avail.  My thoughts tonight are on three years ago. And all night long I've been watching he clock and counting down the time. This time 3 years ago, we had just about 6 hours left with Avery and yet we had no idea. Our world was still perfect. We expected to watch her grow up not wake up to a nightmare that will forever haunt me. 

I can't help but relive that night. Yet it's killing me that the memories are getting fuzzy. I remember the timeline. In bed around 10, up at midnight to feed, up again at 3 back down around 5 ish and then the alarm at 6. The alarm that awoke me to my nightmare. But it's the images of her, it's the feeling of her in my arms, her smell, her cry those feel like they are fading. And I absolutely hate that. 

I wish I could go back and just hit pause and just live in those moments forever. I wish that night I had as hard of a time falling asleep as I am tonight. Maybe, maybe if I hadn't fallen asleep, I would have noticed her sooner and she would still be here. I hate these thoughts. I hate today. I hate living without her. I hate knowing that I will hate this day for the rest of my life. Yet I know I must, and I will and the world will keep spinning and life will keep moving forward. I just want to go back even if just for a day to old her and soak her in one last time. 

If only...

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