The Holidays are Upon Us

It's yet again one of those days where I can't help but dwell on the fact that today is NOT the way it should be. Avery should be here celebrating Halloween with her cousins. She should be trick or treating for the second time but for the first time as a toddler. Stumbling from house to house. I imagine what she may be dressed as this year. A princess? A cute ladybug? I don't even know what costumes are out there for a child her age. 

I've avoided the Halloween section of Target. Tonight, we've turned off our porch lights avoiding knocks on our door from adorable children wanting candy. It's not because I'm a grouch. I just don't want to have a break down in front of an innocent family who shows up with a little brunette girl Avery's age. What a mess I would be crying as I have out candy. Heart breaking as I watch the family walk down the drive. Happy. Doing what I want to be doing tonight. 

It's sinking in tonight that the holiday season is now upon us. Pumpkins will turn to turkeys and then we will be surrounded by carols, lights, presents and trees. The most wonderful time of the year has lists it's charm and yet again I am dreading the holidays. They are stark reminders of what is missing. Of what I thought these days would be like and how they have actually turned out. Last year, we took trips away for the holidays. It was exactly what we needed. As these days get closer, I wish we could do that again. It's not that I don't want to be with our families, I do. It's just so hard to enjoy these days with my little family missing such a large piece. 

Like each day since Avery passed, I know we will get through these days.   Somehow, someway we always do. 

Happy Halloween little girl. We miss you so much. 

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Oct 15th

2 years ago today my life was forever changed when 2 pink lines appeared on that stick. I took the test not expecting a positive result. They hadn't been in the past and we had just started trying. But once I saw those lines I could not stop smiling. I was a mom. We would have a family in a few short months. Life was great. I waited to tell Eddy. I showered and got myself ready for the day. The poor guy was blind-sighted. He didn't even know I was testing so when he walked in the house from washing the car and I sprung the news on him, I though he was going to faint. A few minutes later, a glass of water and a seat on the couch and he was excited too. October 15, 2011 was a day that will forever be a memory cherish. Our lives were forever changed that day, little did we know how changed our lives would really be just a few months later. 

Meanwhile, that same day, while we were celebrating, hundreds of thousands of families worldwide were spending a the day remembering their babies gone too soon. Little did we know 2 years ago that 1:4 women will lose their child through pregnancy or infant loss. Little did we know that after 9 months of an uneventful pregnancy we would have only 6 short days with Avery. Little did we know how we would spend every October 15th from that day forward. Oh how quickly life changes. 

This is the second year we will be remembering Avery by lighting a candle at 7pm. This is the second year I wish today didn't exist. This is the second year I will help break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. We do it to remember Avery, to remember every baby gone much to soon and to bring light to pregnancy and infant loss awareness. 

1:4 is too many to simply be forgotten. 1:4 is me. 1:4 represents women from all walks of life. 1:4 could be your neighbor, your coworker, the lady next to you at the grocery store. Just think about how many women that really is. It's astounding that more attention is not brought to this topic. 

You can help break the silence!  Join us and so many families as we light candles tonight at 7pm to remember our babies. 

CYG 2013- Day 1 Sunrise

Day 1: Sunrise. Titusville, Florida, 7:30 am. 

As I stood in my backyard snapping pictures of the sky, I was greeted by the sounds of birds, singing their morning song. This year, I'm reminded of the hope the sunrise brings to me. A fresh start, another chance to do something good. 

As I stood outside I reflected on how much has changed over the last year. Last year during the Capture Your Grief Project, my wounds were still fresh and raw. I was only 4 months out from losing Avery. Days were still very dark and light had to be searched for. Reflecting back, I pulled up my blog post from this day last year. And as much as things have changed, they also remain the same. 

Last year on my blog I wrote this about today, "Today’s sunrise gave me hope.  Hope that even though today is another day without her, I am still here and she will always be with me in my heart and in my mind.  Every morning, is a new day and a new day for me to remember and honor her." 

A year later, there are still dark days, but the light can be found without searching too hard. We have hope in a new baby come January and we continue to spread Avery's light and love to those around us. Remembering her and honoring her is always on the forefront of my mind. She is and will always be with me every sunrise and sunset until one day we are together again.