He Hurts Too

I feel like most people look at a couple who has lost a child and automatically focus on the mother the most.  Maybe it’s because we are the ones who will cry in public, our voices tremble as we try to talk about our children in public and we are the ones who go to drastic lengths necessary to avoid triggers.  I hate that many times it seems as if people overlook how my husband is doing without Avery here.

Yes, he can handle situations that set me off.  Yes, he rarely cries in public and yes, he can talk about her with strength in his voice.  But he is still hurting.  He hurts everyday like I do; yet, I can hear people asking him how I am doing.  Rarely do I get the same sympathetic look followed by a question about him.  Maybe it’s because throughout history men have been the symbols of strength.  Maybe it’s because women are often thought of as the weaker sex.  Whatever the reason, it really bothers me.  He hurts too.

What people don’t see are the tears he sheds.  What people don’t hear is the anger, pain and anguish in his voice when the reality of life sets in.  What people don’t see is a Dad who takes pride in ensuring that his daughter’s grave is cleaned weekly.  What people don’t see is a Dad who avoids key points of a wedding, watching a Dad give his daughter away, a Dad toast the newlyweds and a Dad dance with his beaming daughter on her wedding day because it’s is a punch to the gut for him.  He will never get to do that with Avery.  He won’t get to teach her to drive, won’t get to be the protective Daddy when she brings home a boy.  What they don’t see is a Dad who will sit in her room just to be in there and hold her Molly bear close.

Even though people may not witness him in his times of deep grief, they happen.  He grieves too.  He misses her too.  He loves her too.  He wanted her too.

If you are reading this, please know that even if the male in a relationship, which has experienced a loss, seems to be doing well, know that deep down, he hurts too.