People say stupid things when they don’t know what else to say. Here we are 3 months later and I feel the awkwardness all the time. We walk into church and I can feel it, all eyes on us. I answer the phone at work, on the other end someone who doesn’t realize I’m back and I can tell they want to hang up; they aren’t ready to talk to me. They stumble over what to say and hurry off the phone. I am that girl, the girl who lost her baby. Nobody knows how to handle seeing me or talking to me. So I am forced to endure their awkwardness that generally just annoys me.How are you? – I always reply with OK or hanging in there. I don’t burden them with the truth. The truth is that every day I wake up to my own personal hell, a nightmare that will never end. That I am angry and bitter. Nope, I don’t tell them the truth, why would I want to make them uncomfortable?
You look great. – Really, lie to me some more. I don’t look great. I still have 30 pounds to lose, my skin is going through puberty again as it trys to handle my ever changing hormones, I don’t care to do my hair or make-up more than enough to be considered presentable at work or in public. So, really, don’t lie. Don’t even make the comment. It just annoys me more than it makes me feel better.
You are so strong. – No, actually I’m not. I am beginning to think that I must be a good actress, hey; maybe I should head out to Hollywood. At any given point, I am seconds away from another emotional meltdown. I am on trigger away from losing my mind and retreating back to the comfort of my house. So no, I’m not strong; I am just good at faking it.
I would not be doing as well as you. – Great, thanks, does that mean I’m a bad mom, that I am somewhat functioning? But I really think I am again just really damn good at faking it.Are you going to have another baby? – She’s barely been gone 3 months. It took us 4.5 years of marriage to decide to have her. And she was ripped from our arms with no warning. So right now, I have no idea. I am no longer naïve. I realize how much can go wrong in pregnancy and then, even if you have a normal pregnancy, birth a healthy baby, that is no guarantee that you will keep them. So, right now, that is pretty far from my reality.
These are just a few of the reoccurring comments I receive almost daily. While they seem harmless and I understand that people are trying to make small talk, they really irk me; they really get under my skin. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful that people try to make small talk with me and if I was in their place, I’d probably say equally as clueless statements. At least these people are trying to make small talk. The people who make statements that are supposed to make me feel better are a whole other story. I’m sure I’ll write about them eventually.
On a positive note, I am very thankful for my friends who get it even though they haven’t been in my shoes (and I pray they never are). There are many things that trigger me and one of the biggest is seeing infant girls. I would have never thought to take Avery out in public as often as I feel other parents do. Everywhere I go there they are – restaurants, Target, the grocery store. The other day, we met our friends for dinner. The hostess was about to sit us at our table when it happened. There it was, a tiny baby girl sitting in her carrier at the table inches from where the hostess was going to seat us. Without me saying anything, my friend immediately asked the hostess for another table in a whole different section. I didn’t have to say anything, she just knew. The same friend, texted me today to say she had a surprise for me. A few minutes later she showed up at my door with a Mocha Frape. She knew yesterday was hard for me and was thoughtful enough to bring me a boost. Having friends who are there for me, who understand that I am not the old me anymore and still tries their best to make me happy, is a wonderful feeling. I am so blessed to have these friends in my life and so thankful for them. My friends many times get it more than my family. I am so thankful for them and sad that little Avery doesn’t get to know these friends and doesn’t get to make her own friends to support her through the hardest times in life.