Gratitude for those who remain faceless

I recently read a blog post written by a Labor and Delivery Nurse about her experience helping a family through the stillbirth of their son. Her words were beautiful and it gave me a little perspective into the other side of pregnancy and infant loss. I wish I could place a link to the post here but it's since been changed to a private post. 

As parents of loss, we know the hell our loss brought into our lives. We remember all of the details of that day more vividly than we would like. We replay the day over and over in our heads. We know firsthand how each moment of that day felt and how it continues to be and will always be a part of us, each and every day. But what we don't know is how our loss day impacted those who were part of our loss. We don't know what was going through the heads of those involved. 

I'm not talking about our families. I'm talking about those who were there with us, doing their jobs to help try to save our babies or trying to comfort us in our darkest hour. I very often think about the first responders to our home that morning and the doctors and nurses at the hospital who worked on Avery. I often wish I could get them all in a room and find out what the day was like for them. 

There was the police officer, a corporal, I believe, who was at our house so quickly. I can't see his face but I can clearly remember him busting through the door, running into our bedroom and taking over CPR for me. I know how hard it was for me to do CPR on her but I often wonder what was going through his head that morning. Was he just about to finish his shift or was he just starting his day? Was this the first time he had to respond to a call with a baby. God, I pray he doesn't get these calls often. I wonder if he has a family of his own. Did he to home and hug them a little tighter? I will always have a very great appreciation to this man, a man I don't know at all, who gave it his all until the fire department arrived. 

I often wonder many of the same things about the firefighters and paramedics who were next to arrive. I wonder what they were thinking as they rushed to our house. I wonder if they knew deep down, she was already gone once they started working on her. I wonder if any of them prayed on the drive to the hospital. I wonder if any of them still remember that morning. I know it couldn't have been easy for any of them. 

And then I wonder about the hospital staff. Those who spent over 30 minutes working on Avery. Trying everything they could to save her. I wasn't allowed in the room, I cannot remember any of their faces, but I am forever grateful that they tried as hard and as long as they did. I wonder if the doctor who broke the news to us had ever lost a child under her watch. I wonder if she still remembers Avery. I wonder how they found the strength the continue working that day. 

I wonder how June 12, 2012 affected each of the people involved in our loss. I know everything each of them did that day is just part of their job but to us, we are forever grateful of their service.  Even though most of these people remain faceless to me, they will always hold a special place in my heart. 

I want to say thank you to all of our police officers, fire fighters, paramedics, doctors, nurses and all others who stay strong when facing the worst and try their hardest to better the outcome. It takes a special person to do this work and I am forever indebted to those who helped that awful June morning. 

Christmas 2013

Last Christmas we ran away. It was exactly what we needed. It didn't feel like Christmas. We weren't forced into family traditions without Avery by our side. Honestly, if I wasn't 35.5 weeks pregnant, we probably would have run away again this year. And boy I wish we could have. 

For most of the big events since losing Avery, the days leading up to the event are normally more of a drain than the day itself. The anticipation and anxiety of what the day will be like take their toll, leaving the actual day generally not as bad as I had built up in my head. Christmas this year, however was different. I have been so busy over the past few weeks, I had pushed the thoughts about Christmas to the back of my mind. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't work myself up over it. This made Christmas Eve and Christmas day much harder than I prepared myself to face. 

Being forced into family traditions was absolutely heartbreaking. I made it a total of 15 minutes through our Christmas Eve service at a church before I had a mini anxiety attack and ran out of the church hysterical. Christmas Eve service is something I normally love and look forward to. However, it was a very I your face reminder of her absence. She should have been there with me in my arms. This is a tradition I looked forward to but absolutely hated being there last night. It killed me.  It's the things we do every year that are the knife to the heart. The traditions kill me. She is supposed to be a part of them. Here with us, not just in memory. 

Today, my old friend anger made it's presence known again. I woke up immediately angry. I wanted to sleep as late as possible but was wide awake at 6. She's supposed the be here. I'm supposed to wake up with her. We're supposed to have a tree with tons of presents for her. We're supposed to sit together and ready the story of Jesus' birth as a family. It's not supposed to be this way and it infuriated me. The littlest things had me on edge. I was dreading being around anyone and knew that it wouldn't take much to set me off. From the start of the day, I wanted to just crawl back in bed and avoid everyone and everything. But I couldn't, I had to out my game face on and face the traditions head on. I'm not going to lie, the day sucked. 

Nobody should have to spend time at the cemetery visiting their child on Christmas. Nobody should have to debate whether or not to include their dead child on gift tags. Nobody should have to try to speak to everyone as little as possible on Christmas for fear they will snap, the anger finally taking complete control.   Nobody should feel jealousy towards the happy families, complete and together on Christmas. It's hell. It's completely awful to spend Christmas this way.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I am so ready for the day to be done. I am ready to crawl in bed and have a good cry until I fall asleep. I'm ready for this pain to be over but I know that it will always be here in some form. Parts of Christmas may become more bearable over the years, but there will always be the lingering ache from the missing piece of my heart. 

Nothing will ever be the way I once pictured in my perfect world. And it hurts so much knowing I will never be able to change that. But I am thankful that God sent his son, Jesus, to be born and most importantly to die for us. Because of this, I know that while I cannot bring Avery back to me, one day, one amazing day, we will be together again. For this I am thankful. This keeps me going even when I feel like throwing in the towel. 

My Pregnancies

There was this status update going around Facebook recently where you were assigned a number and then you had to update your status with that many "fun fact" about your pregnancy. I'm generally not one for the mass status update trends on Facebook but I really wanted to share some facts about my pregnancies. So, I've decided to take to the trusty blog to post these things. 

1-I found out I was pregnant with Avery on October 15, 2011, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I found out I was pregnant with Harper on May 15, 2013.

2-I only took 1 pregnancy test with Avery. I still have it. I took at least 3 with this pregnancy, just to be sure. I have those too. 

3-I had morning sickness with both but never tossed my cookies. Eating was the only thing that made me feel better. Needless to say, I gain more weight than I should. 

4-Avery's name was picked out well before we knew she was a girl. 

5-I will be delivering at a different hospital with Harper. 

6-Both pregnancies were intentional-no "accidents."

7-We tried to announce our pregnancy to our families creatively. Avery they each received baby related gifts. With Harper we made up a special photo announcement. 

8-We did fun gender reveals each time. Avery it was pink cupcakes, Harper it was pink silly string. Both times we knew ahead of time. 

9-It took us 4 years of marriage to decide we were ready for a family. Avery celebrated our 5th anniversary in our arms, 3 days before we lost her. Harper was just a tiny bean celebrating with usin my belly on our 6th anniversary. 

10- Avery was born at 39w3d. Harper is scheduled to arrive via csection at 39w3d. 

11-I was induced with Avery and ended with a csection. Harper will be a scheduled csection. 

12-During Avery's csection, my leg fell off the table and I could feel it happen. I told to doctor and she told the nurse to pick it up. It was quite comical. 

13-I am horrible at documenting my pregnancies with photos. 

14-My sweet tooth takes over while pregnant. 

15-My favorite part of pregnancy is just watching my belly contort with the baby's movements. 

16-We plan to stop having children after Harper. 2 girls is just right for us.

To my blogger friends, please feel free to share facts about your pregnancies. I'd love to read your posts too!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I was letting Harper listen to some music tonight and pulled up Somewhere Over the Rainbow as sung by the children on Newtown, Connecticut. It's a beautiful rendition of the song.  

http://youtu.be/t1RwCTNdX78

I haven't listened to this song while pregnant but I thought it was fitting for our rainbow, Harper to hear it. While listening to it, I am reminded, once again, that with Harper about to enter our lives, I'm going to be so very torn between two worlds. 

Since losing Avery, I have no fear in death. And while I realize I've known where I am going after I die for sometime now, death was still something I was afraid of. That is until we lost Avery. Since losing her Heaven sounds better than ever. I have no fear of dying. I know when I leave this world I will be in the presence of Jesus and my beautiful daughter. How could I have any fear in that?  But now, Harper changes that a bit. While I'm not scared of dying, I will soon have another daughter who needs me. Here, in this world. Again, I'm being torn between two worlds. Which I realize will be the story of my life. 

The lyrics of this song are so fitting. When I first downloaded this song, I always longed to be the bluebird. To fly over the rainbow and away from this world and into hers.  I would always think, when listening to this song, how great a day it will be when I can finally spread my wings and fly to Avery. But at the same time, I had been praying and dreaming of being a mom again. And I've now been blessed to have that opportunity with Harper. My dream I've been dreaming is becoming reality. Little did I realize, when I first downloaded the song, how torn I would be when my dream was finally coming true. It's quite a challenge wanting to be present in two worlds but only being in one.  To want to stare into the beautiful rainbow but to also fly far away. 

For now, I will aim to soak in the time I'm allowed here in this world with Harper and know that one day, when it's time, I'll be with Avery again and eventually, we will all be together.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

 Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true...

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow, why them, oh why can't I?

If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

Turning Pink into Purple

Taking Avery's room apart to make it Harpers was so much harder than expected. Over the last 17+ months I've had a love hate relationship with that room. After we lost Avery, I hated going into her room. I was a stark reminder of a future lost. Over time, it became my sanctuary. I would spend hours sitting in the rocking chair, writing to her and reading. It became a place where I felt close to her. It was her room. But as the weeks turned into months, I found myself in the room less and less. It became a place where we kept her belongings and momentous we had gathered. 

In the last 2 months, Harpers things have slowly been added and honestly the room was a cluttered mess. This weekend was the weekend to make the transition. To transform Avery's room into Harper's room. Thanksgiving night we worked to clear it out so we could paint in Friday.  I was doing well until I had to take down the wall decorations. The decorations I spent hours picking out and putting up. I lost it. I felt like I was taking her down to put her away to be replaced by Harper.

It got worse the next day when it came time to paint. Avery's beautiful pink was going away, being replaced by Harper's pretty purple. Painting made the transition permanent. It became so very real. To make matters worse, the paint didn't seem to be going on well, my husband was really frustrated and both of our emotions were running high. Half way through, we were both questioning why we were even repainting. I felt absolutely horrible.  Painting really wasn't necessary. Why did I feel the need to cover Avery up? After many tears and much talking, we both found peace with giving Harper her own room. As much as Avery deserves to always be part of us, Harper also deserves her own identity too. After coming to grips with the fact that paint or changing the room isn't getting rid of Avery, the day went much better and the paint turned out beautiful. 

Saturday was time to get everything in order and put up Harper's decorations. The day went pretty well. It felt nice getting the room ready for Harper's impending arrival. We put up the art on the walls, washed the new bedding and blankets and organized the closet. 

I was doing well until it came time to change out the bedding. I will always absolutely love Avery's jungle bedding. As I folded up the blanket to put away for good, I felt like my heart was going to explode. She didn't get to use many of her belongings in her six short days but every night we got her ready for bed by laying her in her crib to dress her in her pajamas. She used her bedding, even if only very briefly, and there I stood, in a now purple bedroom, folding her perfect blanket and putting it in a bin. The perfect decorations for the perfect room all ended up in one Rubbermaid bin that will go in the attic. That's it. Avery's room no longer exists. And I feel like the hole in my heart is gaping wide open again. 

I know it's just a room. It's just a place. Her room is not her identity. But when all you've had is six days, it's hard not to cling to physical things. It's hard not to tie part of her identity to the things that were part of her short life. It's hard not to feel like once again I am being pushed further away from her. 

And at the same time, I feel guilty for feeling so terrible about changing the room. There really was no part of getting Harper's room ready that was fun or exciting. Getting ready for Avery was such a happy time. Once again, nothing is the same the second time around. But poor Harper deserves my happiness and excitement over her arrival. And so far, I really haven't been able to find that excitement. I am so afraid I will let her down. 

So here I sit. Torn between two worlds-one pink, one purple. With a love for both but with no idea how to balance both. I love my daughters dearly and want them both to feel that love. 

Avery's pink Jungle room. 

Harper's purple room (still a work in progress)

Giving Thanks

It's still hard many days to be able to see past what is missing in life and see what is still here to be thankful. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't sit and wonder what life would be like if Avery was still here with us. 

The holidays make that especially hard. Watching families celebrate with each piece in tact, seeing the million posts on Facebook of baby's first Thanksgiving, reading how everyone is thankful for their kids. It's enough to make a grieving parent want to lock themselves away from reality. 

Last year, that's exactly what we did. Las Vegas was out anti-Thabksgiving. It was what we needed at the time. But this year, we are back to reality. Back to turkey and football with the family. Back to the stark reality that this is NOT how we envisioned Thanksgiving when we were pregnant 2 years ago. But today, instead of focusing on the life I'm missing, I want to take some time and focus on all that I do have to be thankful for this year. 

I am thankful for...

God's unending love and grace. He has kept me going even on the darkest days. And His promise that one day, we will all be together again. 

Avery-my beautiful girl and the time we had with her, the things she has taught us and for her unending love.

My amazing husband who picks me up when I can't get up on my own, who walks this journey with me and who loves me and our girls unconditionally. 

Harper, my sweet and stubborn rainbow baby. The one who has brought hope back into our once dark and dismal lives. Avery's little sister, who will know all about her big sister in Heaven. 

Family who has stuck by outside through everything. Those who still speak her name, those that don't think we should be "over it" already, those who have kept us standing. 

Friends, old and new, who are like family. They never cease to amaze me with just how much they care for us and her and will continue to help keep her memory alive.

Even in our darkest moments, we still have lots to be thankful for. ❤️

Today the Storm is Raging

I woke up in a storm this morning...

I've had my ups and downs lately but I really thought I was learning to cope and function through the downs better. It had been quite some time since I had one of those days where I just couldn't do anything. I woke up and instantly felt anxious. No exact reason to be found just extremely anxious. I thought once I got to work, I'd be distracted enough to get through the day but once I got there it got worse.  I lost it and couldn't put myself together. There was nothing specific to set me off. No triggers. No major significance to the day. But I was a mess. I ended up leaving work within a few hours. 

I've been trying to pinpoint why I'm struggling so bad today. And still have no exact answers. I think it's a compilation of things...

The impending holidays...I'm dreading them. I thought they would be easier than last year since I'm pregnant but every bit of me wants to run and hide from them like we did last year. They are such an in your face reminder of all that is missing. Avery would have been so much fun this year. But instead we face the holidays without her. We must watch those around us and their happy families share in the joy of the holidays while we feel so incredibly incomplete. 

Harpers approaching due date...I wish I could fast forward to January. No make that February so I can get last her first 6 days of life too. I've had a few good weeks just enjoying pregnancy and looking forward to the future. But now that we are less than 9 weeks from her expected arrival, fear is over taking me again. I am terrified of losing her before she is born. And I'm terrified of losing her once she is born. 

Balancing Avery and Harper...I've had 2 amazing baby showers in the past week. And while they were wonderful and we are truly blessed to be surrounded by those who love us, it's still very bittersweet. We are all so excited for Harper's arrival yet if Avery were still here, I don't know if Harper would be coming. It's hard to celebrate and be completely excited when this thought is in the back of my mind. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance both without letting either of them down. 

Flashbacks...while I've been good at not focusing on the day we lost Avery, I've had a lot of brief flashbacks lately. Out of nowhere my mind briefly goes back to a moment of that day. Waking up, following the ambulance and calling family, my husbands reaction to the awful news, saying goodbye. I can still remember every vivid detail. These flashbacks don't last long and I can quickly refocus my thoughts but they are still a dagger to the heart and come out of nowhere. 

Shifting Avery's room to Harper's...we have a 2 bedroom house so I have no choice. I've kept Avery's room her own the last 17 months but January is quickly approaching and Harper needs her own space. Part of me is anxious to get Harper's room ready but a huge part of me isn't ready to get rid of Avery's room. I know I have to, I just wish I didn't have to. And it's crazy since it's just a room but it's hers and has been for quite some time. 

Today is just one of those days where the rainstorm seems to be stationary above my head. I hadn't watched the news to be told the storm was coming. I was caught off guard by one of those storms where the rain comes in every direction and no umbrella can keep you completely dry. Today's storm caught me unprepared. I had no umbrella handy, no raincoat or boots tinted to fight the cold rain off. I had let my guard down, and thought these storms had passed. But the truth is these storms will always come and go. Somedays I will be better at staying dry, others, like today, I just need to embrace the storm.  I need to let it soak me and know that eventually this storm will pass and I can dry off. 

All I can do on days like today is pray and know that I am not alone. "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."Psalms 147:3