Monday, November 18, 2013

Today the Storm is Raging

I woke up in a storm this morning...

I've had my ups and downs lately but I really thought I was learning to cope and function through the downs better. It had been quite some time since I had one of those days where I just couldn't do anything. I woke up and instantly felt anxious. No exact reason to be found just extremely anxious. I thought once I got to work, I'd be distracted enough to get through the day but once I got there it got worse.  I lost it and couldn't put myself together. There was nothing specific to set me off. No triggers. No major significance to the day. But I was a mess. I ended up leaving work within a few hours. 

I've been trying to pinpoint why I'm struggling so bad today. And still have no exact answers. I think it's a compilation of things...

The impending holidays...I'm dreading them. I thought they would be easier than last year since I'm pregnant but every bit of me wants to run and hide from them like we did last year. They are such an in your face reminder of all that is missing. Avery would have been so much fun this year. But instead we face the holidays without her. We must watch those around us and their happy families share in the joy of the holidays while we feel so incredibly incomplete. 

Harpers approaching due date...I wish I could fast forward to January. No make that February so I can get last her first 6 days of life too. I've had a few good weeks just enjoying pregnancy and looking forward to the future. But now that we are less than 9 weeks from her expected arrival, fear is over taking me again. I am terrified of losing her before she is born. And I'm terrified of losing her once she is born. 

Balancing Avery and Harper...I've had 2 amazing baby showers in the past week. And while they were wonderful and we are truly blessed to be surrounded by those who love us, it's still very bittersweet. We are all so excited for Harper's arrival yet if Avery were still here, I don't know if Harper would be coming. It's hard to celebrate and be completely excited when this thought is in the back of my mind. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance both without letting either of them down. 

Flashbacks...while I've been good at not focusing on the day we lost Avery, I've had a lot of brief flashbacks lately. Out of nowhere my mind briefly goes back to a moment of that day. Waking up, following the ambulance and calling family, my husbands reaction to the awful news, saying goodbye. I can still remember every vivid detail. These flashbacks don't last long and I can quickly refocus my thoughts but they are still a dagger to the heart and come out of nowhere. 

Shifting Avery's room to Harper's...we have a 2 bedroom house so I have no choice. I've kept Avery's room her own the last 17 months but January is quickly approaching and Harper needs her own space. Part of me is anxious to get Harper's room ready but a huge part of me isn't ready to get rid of Avery's room. I know I have to, I just wish I didn't have to. And it's crazy since it's just a room but it's hers and has been for quite some time. 

Today is just one of those days where the rainstorm seems to be stationary above my head. I hadn't watched the news to be told the storm was coming. I was caught off guard by one of those storms where the rain comes in every direction and no umbrella can keep you completely dry. Today's storm caught me unprepared. I had no umbrella handy, no raincoat or boots tinted to fight the cold rain off. I had let my guard down, and thought these storms had passed. But the truth is these storms will always come and go. Somedays I will be better at staying dry, others, like today, I just need to embrace the storm.  I need to let it soak me and know that eventually this storm will pass and I can dry off. 

All I can do on days like today is pray and know that I am not alone. "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."Psalms 147:3


  1. Crystal, I feel like I could've written these very words today. I woke up at 3am this morning to go to the bathroom, and I couldn't go back to sleep. My brain was racing. Questioning how I'm going to get through this next month. Is Bowie really going to arrive? I don't know what that's like...but I should...

    So many things.

    I'm currently struggling with going through the dresser that's housed Luke's things for a year and 2 months. I have to add her things to this. I have to pull some of the boy-ish things out and put them in a hope chest...I hate this, but I know I have to do it.

    I'm scared that the flashbacks will come once I get to the hospital on December 12. That it will all come flooding back to me and she'll be gone too. I talk myself out of it everytime I think it, but until she's here, I just can't make the possible thought go away.

    We're almost there. That's all we can keep telling ourselves. And you will never be a disappointment--to either of your girls. ALWAYS know that. Big hugs.

  2. I have been reading your blog for a while now. I haven't commented before but after reading your words from today, I have to. My story is similar to yours in that I lost my baby girl without warning almost 7 months ago. So many of the things you have written are exactly how I feel. You capture my feelings in words in a way that I wish I could. I am so sorry that you have to travel this road. Thank you for sharing your journey! I know we don't know each other but I will lift you up in prayer.

  3. My dearest Crystal,
    You and Eddy know how much I love Avery, You, and Eddy. I am looking forward to Harper believing all will be well. Yes I too have flashbacks that pain my soul. If it is any consolation just know how much you are loved and how blessed I feel to have a daughter-in-law as special as you are. I don't think the holidays will ever be easy for you all, but we will never, ever forget Avery, and we look forward to the joy that Harper will bring to you all and our entire family. As always my prayers are for all of you. Love Papaw