I went back to work August 13th, the day after we marked her 2nd month in Heaven. I had been out on leave since June 4th just 2 days before she was born. It’s now going on the end of the 3rd week since I’ve gone back and I still haven’t made it through a full week without calling in “sad.”Some days, I think I am doing well. Yesterday, I was in the office a full day. I dealt with the normal employee issues that come along with being an HR Manager. It was overwhelming at times and I wanted to give up but I pushed through. I got home from work and we ran errands. It was one of the more productive days I have had in the past 3 months. But it all hit me last night as I was trying to go to bed.
I spent most of the day not allowing the grief to overtake me but I cannot fight it all day. Last night was hard; I missed her-missed everything about her, I felt empty and the house was too quiet without my baby cooing beside me and waking me up to feed. I felt like I hadn’t spent the day yesterday remembering her on her 12 week birthday, remembering her the way I should have. I felt like I neglected her. I felt it all last night; depression, anger, guilt, hurt, etc. It was a rough night, I couldn’t sleep and when I dreamt dreams of babies and children, dreams where I long for her but she isn’t in these dreams.
This being said, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to me this morning that I had extreme anxiety about leaving the house. This happens to me normally after I have a relatively good day. When I wake up, I feel anxious and panicked about leaving the house. I feel like if I leave, I am abandoning her and if I have another good day that I am giving up on her, that I am moving on and forgetting her. I can’t shake the feeling. It consumes me, my chest tightens, it’s hard to breathe; I lay paralyzed.As I lay there, I attempt to talk myself into getting up, showering and making it to my office. Almost an hour I lay there fighting the internal battle. Ultimately, my anxiety wins, I call my boss and skip going into the office.
I am blessed, my boss is amazing and I have the luxury of working from home but I know this can’t last forever. At some point, I need to be able to work in the office 5 days a week. I feel like I am being pulled in opposite directions. Torn between getting back to work, doing a good job and making her proud of me and feeling like doing this will be leaving her behind. I don’t know how to move forward (I say moving forward because I hate the way moving on sounds) without feeling like I am losing her.I have come to realize that I cannot do this by myself. All along people have asked if I was seeing anyone and I would casually blow them off. In my mind, what was anyone going to say to make this better, they can’t bring her back and that’s the only way to fix this. But it’s almost been 3 months and I am still struggling with this to the point where I think they are right. Maybe it’s time to talk to someone.
Today, I actually took the first step towards that. I called my insurance company, researched in-network counselors and actually found someone I think I want to talk to. I even called her office and left a message for more information. Now that’s progress. I think I am actually excited. From what I read on her website, she is what I’ve been looking for-a Christian woman who has also experienced the loss of a child. I pray that counseling can help me make sense of my emotions so that I can move forward in a positive way. A way that can incorporate real life activities like work and remembering my daughter in a way that I am comfortable with, a way that I don’t lose out on life and I don’t lose her.I am so afraid of losing her all over again.