Friday, August 24, 2012

Reality and Faith

I like to be able to solve problems.  It’s something I do on a daily basis at work.  I always have an open ear to my friends and try to lend helpful advice.  You lose your job-it’s ok; you’ll find a better one.  Relationship troubles-they will pass.  Family drama-give it some time and then talk about it.  But this problem I cannot solve, I can’t fix. 
Avery is gone and she isn’t coming back.  Nobody can fix it, nothing I do or anyone else does will ever bring her back.  The finality of it all really hits me hard.  There’s normally a light at the end of the tunnel, some solution to offer, words to help comfort, but nothing, I mean NOTHING is going to make this all go away (well at least nothing in this world).

The fact that my daughter, who I planned, carried, gave birth to, brought home and mothered for 6 days is no longer here absolutely kills me.  Yet, this is my reality; I have to live with reality this for the rest of my life.  There is no solution, this problem isn’t temporary, and it won’t resolve itself.  The finality of it all is almost impossible for me to wrap my mind around.
Sometimes I find myself rubbing my stomach or I jump if I feel a gas bubble thinking she is moving around inside of me.  I find myself drawn to the baby section at Target and then panic once I realize the direction in which I am pushing my cart.  These things aren’t part of my reality anymore.  I have no baby growing inside of me or growing at home to shop for, yet I still long for these things to be my reality.  I long to wake up and find her sleeping next to me in her bassinet and for this all to be a bad dream ending in a cold sweat.   

How do I accept a reality that I want no part of?  I know she is gone and isn’t coming back but I really can’t bring myself to fully accept it.  The only thing I can accept is that while this reality isn’t what I want for my life, it is not my eternal reality. 
What I do have through all of this is faith.  I have faith that Avery is in Heaven, that she is safe with Jesus and happy.  That she is well taken care of and I will see her again one day.  I have faith that she is surrounded by other family members who have made it to Heaven already.  Having my faith in these things is the only bit of peace and comfort I have found through all of this.  That one day, we will be reunited again and my problems will all be solved and long forgotten.  While this does give me some peace, it doesn’t make it all better.  It still hurts more than I ever thought was possible and I am still lost without her just trying to find my way. 

My husband recently pointed out this verse to me and I try to reflect on it daily to help me through.  “Lay not up yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:  But lay up yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: for where your treasure is, there will be your heart also.”  Matthew 6:19-21. 
Avery is my treasure in Heaven and until I get there, that is where my heart will be. 

I love you so much baby girl and cannot wait for the day when I get to see your sweet cheeks again!

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