It’s amazing to me the range of emotions I go through within a day or how one day I can be a hot mess of emotions, unable to get out of the house and the next, I am actually able to find something that makes me smile. However, some days, I feel nothing and I don’t want to do anything. That’s how I feel today, numb. The dictionary defines numb as incapable of action or of feeling emotion. And that describes my feelings, or lack thereof, exactly. I really don’t feel anything; I am not sad or upset (which is amazing since it’s a Tuesday, see this post), I am not happy or excited about anything; I am just numb.
I hate feeling this way-feeling nothing at all. I think about her just as much as I do when I am crying in bed all day or able to actually function like a human but on my numb days, no emotions take me over when my thoughts go to her. How I feel today is a far cry from how I felt last week, this weekend or even last night. It’s amazing to me how quickly feelings can change. Just last night I cried myself to sleep. Yet this morning, I feel nothing.Numbness is the worst emotion I feel through this grief rollercoaster. I don’t know how to make sense of being numb. I start to think I should feel guilty; that the numbness is not honoring her memory-that I am “over” her. But I know that’s not the case. Even in the numb moments or days, I still think of her frequently. When I am numb, the guilt doesn’t even have a grasp on me. So then I think that the numbness is a good thing. That maybe I am starting to process what has happened and I am finding a way to cope to help me get through the day without being a basket case. But I know that’s not the case either. The numbness, like the other emotions comes and goes. It doesn’t last much longer than a day. And once it’s gone, I am normally in a very low, dark place.
Today, I am just numb. And it scares the hell out of me because I don’t know how to process it and I am scared of what comes when the numbness wears off. Because, if history is any indication to how I will feel when the numbness wears off, I will soon be back to a deep dark place. It’s a catch-22; I hate feeling numb but I also hate what follows. This is my life now, trying to figure out how to process the emotions that come with losing her and survive another day.