Maybe it's that Avery's 6 days of the month have just come to a close and I spent them extremely busy at work and I feel like I pushed my thoughts and emotions down deep during those 6 days. Or maybe it's the fact that her birthday is right around the corner. Whatever the cause, today the anxiety is creeping up. I felt it as soon as I woke up. I tried to get ready for church but I want sure I could handle keeping my mask on around others. I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep myself together if someone came in with their baby. The feeling is suffocating. I don't want to stay home but I don't know if I can handle the inevitable triggers if I go out. My head is spinning, my chest is tight and my heart is heavy.
I HATE this. I hate feeling like its better for me and those around me if I just stay home. I HATE that 10 months later, these days still exist. I HATE that I even have to have days like this. They should be full of happiness. Not this. And I hate knowing that so many beautiful women I've met on this journey have days like this.
There is no point to this post I guess. I'm just having a bad morning and needed to get it out.