My goal over the next year is to embrace life. The past 10 months have taught me that no
amount of planning can keep your future going as you imagined. A year ago today, I would have told you I
would be planning a one year olds birthday party, I would be entering into
toddler territory and I would be mothering my daughter. So much can change in a second, a minute, an hour,
a day, a week, a month, a year.
This past year has left me battered, bruised and scarred yet
I’ve survived. I find it hard to hold on
to hope that things will go as I imagine, I find it hard to trust that things will
be OK, I find it hard to look forward to anything, I find it hard to imagine my
future. In the last 10 months, I feel I’ve
lost so much of who I am. Some parts I
will never find again but others are slowly coming back to me. I can see beauty again and smile without
guilt. It’s hard to look to the future
because I am so afraid of being hurt again.
A year from now I would love to have the joy back in my life
that Avery brought to me. I would love
to have a sibling for Avery to watch over.
I would love to get to be a mom again.
There is A LOT standing between me and where I would love to be. To get to that place, I need to face my fears
and embrace them. I need to embrace the
fact that I am not in control. I need to
embrace my faith and turn my worries over to God. I need to embrace hope, hope that I will feel
that joy again. I need to embrace my
sorrow, tears and grief as reminders of my deep, never ending love for Avery. I need to embrace every joyful time and the
challenging times.
A year from now, I hope to be able to look back and say that
whatever the year has brought me, I have fully embraced each second, minute,
hour, day, week and month that I am given.
Whether or not my life looks the way that I imagine, I hope to embrace
every moment for the good and bad. We
are only given one life, and the only way to fully live it is to embrace every
moment. 
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