My goal over the next year is to embrace life. The past 10 months have taught me that no amount of planning can keep your future going as you imagined. A year ago today, I would have told you I would be planning a one year olds birthday party, I would be entering into toddler territory and I would be mothering my daughter. So much can change in a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year.This past year has left me battered, bruised and scarred yet I’ve survived. I find it hard to hold on to hope that things will go as I imagine, I find it hard to trust that things will be OK, I find it hard to look forward to anything, I find it hard to imagine my future. In the last 10 months, I feel I’ve lost so much of who I am. Some parts I will never find again but others are slowly coming back to me. I can see beauty again and smile without guilt. It’s hard to look to the future because I am so afraid of being hurt again.
A year from now I would love to have the joy back in my life that Avery brought to me. I would love to have a sibling for Avery to watch over. I would love to get to be a mom again. There is A LOT standing between me and where I would love to be. To get to that place, I need to face my fears and embrace them. I need to embrace the fact that I am not in control. I need to embrace my faith and turn my worries over to God. I need to embrace hope, hope that I will feel that joy again. I need to embrace my sorrow, tears and grief as reminders of my deep, never ending love for Avery. I need to embrace every joyful time and the challenging times.A year from now, I hope to be able to look back and say that whatever the year has brought me, I have fully embraced each second, minute, hour, day, week and month that I am given. Whether or not my life looks the way that I imagine, I hope to embrace every moment for the good and bad. We are only given one life, and the only way to fully live it is to embrace every moment.