Sunday, November 17, 2013

Being Needed

At about 4 this morning, I was woken up by the sound of my dog coughing in the living room. I ignored it for a few minutes but it just got worse so I got up to check on him. Poor thing spent the next 30 minutes hacking and hacking. Nothing but a dry cough but the poor thing was miserable. He eventually stopped and we went back to bed, leaving our door open so that we could hear him if he got worse. But he felt so bad he instantly crawled in bed between us and snuggled up. After another round of coughing he finally fell asleep tucked snugly between us. 

By this time, I was now wide awake and as I laid there trying to fall asleep again, snuggling with the dog, my heart was warmed. He needed us to comfort him. It felt so nice to be needed. But as quickly was I felt warmed by his love, I realized I never got that with Avery. Yes, clearly in her 6 days of life she needed me, but she wasn't consciously choosing me. I never got to experience her choosing me when she was sick or hurt. I never got to snuggle her in bed when she wasn't feeling well. I never got to really mother her. It breaks my heart that she and I both missed out on this. 

It still never ceases to amaze me that  the littlest thing can bring me back to what I have been missing out on with Avery. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I'm a mother that has never been able to experience most motherly duties. 

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