As I lay here unable to fall asleep thanks to the time change and my husbands snoring (sorry baby) my mind keeps drifting to January and how I am going to be able to cope with having Harper at home without losing my mind. Tomorrow we have 2 OB appointments and a meeting with a new pediatrician. Up until this point in my pregnancy, I've been worried about losing her before birth. I haven't really let my mind go to bringing her home. But tonight I cannot help but worry about losing her once we are home. I cannot go through that again and tonight I cannot help but remember back to that awful day.
I'm not so much focusing on the beginning of the nightmare but more on how it felt once we walked out of the hospital without Avery. All I had to show for her was the pajamas she was wearing and the blanket she was swaddled in. I remember vividly the car ride to where we decided to stay. I remember just clinging to her things and staring blankly out the window thinking that this must have somehow been an awful dream. I remember my husband and I getting to our friends house where we stayed the first few days and just laying in the guest room holding each other, holding her stuff and crying until we somehow fell asleep. I remember feeling so incredibly empty. Not knowing how I was going to survive. I remember visitors coming to see us but feeling like a zombie talking to the. I was there physically but mentally I was nowhere to be found.
The next day we were forced to plan a funeral for our daughter. The car ride to the funeral home was so quiet. Neither of us knew what to say. I remember losing it as we pulled in. Every part of my body screaming to run far, far away. I remember sitting there staring at the cars driving by thinking once again this must be some horrible dream. I remember staring at the only coffin choice we had and once again falling to a million pieces.
Those first few weeks were so incredibly empty. I stayed in bed and tried to sleep as much as I could so I didn't have to face the sounds of my ridiculously quiet house. If it wasn't for Gods love, I don't know how I would have survived those early days. And as I may here thinking back to those darkest days I am almost paralyzed with fear that I will have to go through all of it again. I've survived once but twice is more than I think anyone can bear. I'm so scared. I can't have two daughters in Heaven. I can't go through it again.
I pray constantly that this time will be different. I pray that we get to see Avery before Harper does. I pray for strength to get through these next few months leading up to her birth and then for peace she we bring her home. Prayer is all I have. And it should be enough but sometimes, many times I am still just so scared.