It’s bittersweet; her headstone is finally placed at her graveside. It’s is beautiful. We are very blessed to have known the man who created the stone for her. He did an amazing job. The stone stands out, just like she would have. It adds even more beauty to the part of the cemetery in which she is buried. I am so thankful that the stone is finally there; marking her resting place for the entire world to see. For the last 3 plus months, her place has been marked by a plant and a few pretty pin wheels that someone placed there for her. I am glad to see that her space finally looks official. But I also know this is one of the last few things I get to do for my daughter. I should have a lifetime of buying her things but instead I am purchasing a piece of granite to mark the burial place for my 6 day old daughter.The timing of the headstone being placed is perfect. For the past several weeks I have been anxiously awaiting her headstone and her autopsy results. As always, God’s timing on placing her headstone was perfect. I received a call from the Medical Examiner’s office today. They were calling to let me know all the results from the tests they conducted were back and as soon as the Examiner reviewed everything and finalized the report they could release the results to us. They were at least able to tell me the results indicate an actual cause, that it would not be ruled as SIDS. Receiving this news put me in a tailspin.
I’m sure most people would be glad to have an answer of some sort but it sends panic through my veins. I am so afraid something will be revealed that will cause me more guilt or anger and resentment of the doctors that treated her. I am so afraid I missed something or they missed something. While I am sure I will be thankful in the long run for answers, I am so afraid of how I will handle the answers. I already have extreme guilt that I could have done something to prevent this or that I missed a symptom. The what-ifs already run rampant in my head. Now, knowing that answers are looming, my mind is running wild thinking about all the million things that could have been wrong.
When I sit and think about our 6 days with her realistically, I know that she seemed like a normal infant to us. I know that if she acted sick or just off in some way, I would have brought her to the doctor right away. But I still feel like I should have noticed or done something. Babies don’t just pass away. If she was sick, shouldn’t her mother have known?!? I try to put these thought to the back of my mind, most days I win the battle but today I was losing big time.
So, receiving word today that her stone was placed was positive news. God knew that I needed something positive to help pull me out of my guilt tailspin. I needed something to remind me that I can’t live in the what-if world. I am thankful for God’s timing in this. He is always good, even when I feel so far away from him. I am the one that moves away, not him. The simple placement of her stone brought me back to where I need to be-that I need to put my trust in Him. I need to trust Him to hold me and comfort me in this time of heartache. I need to trust Him to bring me through next week when we get the final results. I need to put my faith in Him and know that no matter the results, she is with Him, she is healthy and happy. I need to trust that one day, I will enter into Heaven and hopefully my Avery meet me and lead me to Him.
I am thankful for God’s perfect timing and pray that his comfort will be with me when I find the results. I pray that I find peace in knowing and not further anxiety and guilt. He is the only one that can bring me through this; I just need to let Him.