A future lost, a present full of anger and bitterness

And just like that, she’s been gone for 3 whole months and I am still full of questions, still waiting for answers, still full of a variety of emotions.

I’ve been dreading today.  It’s been a quarter of a year since she has been in Heaven, a whole trimester of pregnancy. I dread today because it brings back the memories of that day.  Memories I try to block out most days.  I remember every detail of that awful day like it just happened yesterday.  The details of that horrible day are permanently burned into my mind.  I can see it all so clear.  That day, that morning changed my life forever.  In an instant, I was a changed woman.

I went from a tired but ecstatic first time mom, figuring out the best techniques for breastfeeding and charting every feeding and diaper change to a grieving mom.  A mother who was just told her baby was gone, a mother who found out that the life she saw in the future, a life where she watched her baby girl take her first steps, say her first words, start school, go away to college, get married and have babies of her own was gone and never coming back.   A mother whose heart crumbled to a million pieces in that moment, pieces that will never be found, a heart that will never be complete again.  My life, our future, our little girl was gone just like that and we couldn’t do anything to change it.  We left the hospital in shock, completely lost. 

3 months later, I am still completely lost.  I still don’t know who I am now or what my future looks like.  3 months later and I am living surviving hour to hour, day to day.  I cannot see my future outside of the few things that we have scheduled in the upcoming weeks.  I cannot see what life looks like 3 months from now or a year from now.  I know what it was supposed to look like but I can’t see it without her.  It’s not only that I cannot see a life without her but I am so aware that in a brief moment, everything can change.  The future you thought you would have is gone and no matter how hard you pray, you cannot get it back.

The loss of Avery has made me bitter and angry.  And the bitterness and anger isn’t directed at any specific place.  I am just bitter and angry at so many things. Most of the time, I am bitter and angry towards bad parents. I know we are all equal in God’s eyes that there is nothing that makes me a better person than my neighbor but sometimes when I see bad parents I think, why do they get to keep their children?  When I see the mom, pulling through the Dunkin Donut’s drive through, a car full of small children, windows up, smoking and only getting herself a treat I think “REALLY?  She gets to be a mother?”  When I see the teen mom shows on TV, with the teen moms complaining over how hard life is, again I think “REALLY?”  When I see people on Facebook who have always bad mouthed children and then get their girlfriend of 2 months who already has 3 kids pregnant, I think “REALLY?”  When I hear of abortions, child neglect, child abuse, abandonment, I think “REALLY?”  Why does God give children to these people and take mine? 

It just seems so incredibly unfair.  That my husband and I, who planned and intentionally created our daughter, who love her more than anything and would give up anything for her, don’t get to keep her, don’t get to parent her and watch her grow.  While so many people have multiple babies they don’t care about and then treat them as burdens get to keep theirs.  It just seems so unfair and it has made me angry and bitter.    When I see these people in public, I just want to scream at them.  I would give up anything to be in their place.  And I know so many others who would do the same; families who have suffered through baby loss, families who suffer through infertility, families who want a baby more than anything and can’t have one-it’s just not fair. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I am not angry at God, I know his plans are greater than mine and he has a plan for everyone, but I do question his plan.  Because to me, his plan still doesn’t make sense!

3 months after losing her and I am bitter and angry.  I want her back.  I want my future back.  And yet I know I cannot have it.  3 months later and I am still struggling with the same anger and bitterness that I had directly following our loss.  3 months and I cannot even envision what my future looks like. 

I know I don’t know what my future looks like but I also know that I do have God’s word to help me through.  Two verses that help me through my bitter, angry times, that remind me that God knows my future, even when I cannot see it and that he isn’t punishing me are Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28.

“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” – Jeremiah 29:11

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God…” – Romans 8:28

These verses remind me that God is in control.  While I don’t understand why he blessed us with Avery and then took her away so quickly, I do know that he does everything in his perfect timing, as part of his perfect plan.  This is something I still struggle to understand and probably will struggle with until I am in Heaven myself but I know the God in which I believe in and I know his word is the truth.  And while I am bitter and angry with the world that seems unfair, I am not bitter or angry at God for allowing these things to happen.  I am sure that seems contradictory but it is truly how I feel.    

Today marks 3 months since my beautiful daughter went to Heaven.  Three long months of trying to figure out life without her, 3 months of missing her more and more every day and 3 months loving her more and more every day.   3 months of the rest of my life.