Tonight insomnia has become my enemy again. I can’t sleep so my mind runs wild. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, my mind drifts to the past. Monday nights/early morning Tuesday is always very hard for me. Tonight is no different.
19 weeks ago at this time, I was up for a late night feeding with Avery. What I didn’t know at that time was this midnight feeding would be the second to last that I would ever share with her. This time 19 weeks ago I was slightly anxious that my husband was going back to work in the morning and it would just be Avery and I. I was nervous about being all alone with her for the first time because I was still I a bit of pain for my c-section but I was excited to spend the full day with my girl. Unfortunately, I never got to see that part of my future. When my husband’s alarm went off for work that morning 19 weeks ago, just an hour after I dozed off after checking on her in her basinet beside me, our world shattered into a million tiny pieces. As I lay in bed tonight, trying to sleep, my heart throbs with a pain so deep it physically hurts. She isn’t here and like every Monday night for the past 19 weeks, I relive those beautiful last moments I had with Avery when the world was still perfect. I can’t believe how quickly your life can go from absolutely wonderful to a nightmare that you just wish you would wake up from.
Monday nights also bring me back to 20 weeks ago, when I was anxious and barely able to sleep because the next day, I was headed to the hospital to be induced. Just 20 weeks ago, my life was bright and so full of hope. That night, I couldn’t sleep, so around 3 in the morning, I woke up, ate some cereal and just sat alone in the living room, relaxing in the peace of the middle of the night and enjoying her dancing around inside me. It was such a calm morning. We were all so excited that Avery would be making us a family. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I would be sitting here like this tonight.
Over the past week, I really think my shock has worn off and the reality of our loss is setting in. My counselor warned this would happen. I thought I was in a bad place before but that was nothing compared to how I have been feeling over the last week. I am so incredibly angry, bitter, crushed, heartbroken and empty. I do not understand why God allows this to happen to babies. I do not understand why He would allow such heartache to happen to families. Why allow conception to end in loss? Why allow unfit parents to conceive? Why allow conception that ends in abortion? WHY AVERY? WHY ALL OF THESE OTHER BABIES THAT I HAVE READ HEARTACHING STORIES ABOUT???!?!?!?!?!?!?!!
I have been able to fake it better lately. I spend 9 hours a day at work simply faking it. From the outside, most people would say I am doing well (I loathe this). They have no idea what is going on inside my head. I have mastered putting on a front and gotten used to getting through the work day. But I absolutely dread going to work every day. I do not have the capacity to handle the pressure anymore. I feel like I am on the verge of cracking. My boss is amazing but I don’t know how long she is going to let me work at partial capacity. I try but I just don’t have it in me to be the overly productive employee I once was. To most at work however, I am strong, I am pushing forward, I am doing better but once I walk out of my office, the façade crumbles. By the time I am starting my car, the tears are streaming; the pressure of the day, the reality of my loss all catches up with me. I know that once I get home, I have to face the reality head on. Avery and my husband won’t be there both waiting for me. I will get home to only my husband, who is equally as bitter and angry as me. Both of us dreading the evening ahead of us and trying to think of ways to keep our minds preoccupied while avoiding people.I worry that I don’t have much more energy left to fake it another day. I've withdrawn myself. Outside of work, I don’t have the energy to do anything else. I don’t want to see people; I don’t really want to pretend to be OK. But people also can’t deal with how I am really doing. Nobody wants to hear how I cry on my way to work, in my office, on the way home and sob myself to sleep. Nobody really wants to hear how angry I am that I have to live every day for the rest of my life without Avery. Nobody really wants to hear how shitty I feel. I am sick of telling people, “I’m OK,” or “’I’m hanging in there.” So instead, unless it’s work or someone I know really well, I have withdrawn myself. I just don’t have the energy to fake it more than absolutely necessary.
I feel bad but I really have no compassion anymore unless you are a part of the baby loss community. I find other people’s problems a joke most of the time. I mean really, unless you’ve been in my shoes, you have no idea how bad life can suck so don’t tell me your job/relationship/money/family issues. I’m sorry but I just don’t have the energy to give a damn. (This really is hard to deal with in my profession adding even more stress to my daily work).
Mentally I am exhausted yet here I sit at 2am blogging. I have no refuge from my thoughts. How am I ever to escape them? They are now part of me. The loss of my beautiful Avery is part of me; it will be with me every day for the rest of my life. How do you live with something so horrible knowing that it isn’t going to go away?
Here I sit, 19 weeks later and still no answers from the Medical Examiner’s office; yet another set of thoughts plaguing me. I understand they want to be thorough but the length of time I’ve been waiting for answers is getting ridiculous. How much could they still be contemplating? I know I cannot even begin to fully grieve without knowing what was wrong with my baby. I think the waiting and lack of answers isn’t helping my current state of mind.And on top of all of this, Wednesday, I have to make a trip to the Hospital; the same hospital where I had the best day of my life on June 6th and the worse day of my life just 6 days later. I’ve done well at avoiding the hospital, which is a feat since I work for a group directly affiliated with the hospital. In the 2 months I’ve been back to work, I’ve avoided many meetings but I can’t avoid it any longer. Just thinking about being there sends me into a panic. I cry at the thought of going there. My plan is to attempt a visit there tomorrow so that when I breakdown and leave a mess, it’s not during a meeting. As much as I try to talk myself into being able to make it through, I know I cannot do it. I cannot be there. My last drive there was following an ambulance. The last time I left there was without my daughter. How am I supposed to go back there and be OK?
So much is going on in this head of mine. It’s all so overwhelming. I just don’t know how I am supposed to try to live without my world here with me. I don’t know what my future is supposed to look like anymore. The one I planned was shattered and I am not sure how to pick up the pieces when so many of them are missing.
This has been a long ramble. If anyone reads this, I really am sorry. I thought getting this all out would help me clear my head. But I think I am wrong. What I really need is Avery but I know that is impossible. So I guess I will settle for some answers and maybe some time off of work and faking it.