WARNING: If anyone actually reads this, please know I am venting and some of this may come off as judgmental.There is so much floating around in my head this week, I don’t even know how to process. I’m angry, anxious, bitter, empty, heartbroken, sad and so overwhelmed. Since our trip last week I feel like I am going backwards. I was doing relatively well the past 2 weeks (relatively as in as good as I can be doing without my daughter at home with me). I was making it through the day, making it through work, getting things accomplished. My breakdowns were manageable and mostly occurred in the morning or at night in the privacy of my home. But since we went to Chicago last week I’ve been a mess all over again. Greif is definitely cyclical.
Last week we went to Chicago with some friends. Don’t get me wrong, the trip was enjoyable but something about changing my routine and being outside of my normal comfort zone has sent me down the ugly grief tunnel again. I know even when I have my “good” weeks, I am still grieving but I feel like I am grieving in a healthier way, a way where I can function. Since getting back, I feel like I back in the dark grief zone, the zone where dealing with everyday life is hard, it’s so hard to function. It seems like everywhere I turn this week I am being slapped in the face by something that sets me back even further, mostly things that just reiterate how unfair this life is, making me angrier. It feels like the angrier I get the more empty and heartbroken I feel. The reality of life without my daughter sinks in a little bit more, twisting the knife in my heart yet again.
Things that have bothered me and angered me in the last week:
I spent her 4 month birthday in Chicago. I hate not being home on these “big” dates. I feel close to her at home. I feel like I need to visit the cemetery on these dates, I need to sit in her room and I need to spend the day focused on her. Her day in Chicago was OK but I wasn’t fully there. My mind was on her and the unfairness of it all. Everywhere I turned I felt like I was watching bad parents; there were parents with tiny babies in strollers in the COLD weather, babies on the train, huge pregnant ladies in crowds-yet they were all happy and healthy. But in my mind, all I could think about was how horrible I thought they were for exposing their children to these unnecessary risks. I couldn’t imagine bringing my baby on the train or being out in the cold just to go shopping. I made these people out to be monsters in my head. Didn’t they understand that I was overly cautious, we didn’t go anywhere with Avery and yet she is still gone. Writing this, I don’t really believe they were bad parents, these were just things I couldn’t have imagined doing with Avery. I feel wronged in the fact, that I did everything right and yet here I am without my girl.Bad parents are one of my biggest triggers. And I feel like I see them everywhere. Earlier in this week, I watched a dad leave his 2 kids in the car while he ran in to pick up his pizza (he was gone for a full 5 minutes). The kids were maybe 4 and 1. He actually left them in the running car in the parking lot. What was this moron thinking? They could have put the car in drive and been injured, someone could have kidnapped them, they could have choked on something, so much could have went wrong. In the long run, I watched them like hawks to ensure they were OK until their terrible father came back to take his 2 healthy kids home. He got to drive off with his family and I was left sitting in my car without my daughter.
Another thing that pisses me off is celebrity baby news. It seems like every starlet is pregnant or has just had a baby. It seems like they are invincible. They have healthy babies that they soon leave with their nannies so that they can go back out. I’ve seen Kristen Cavalari’s and Snookie’s pictures of their first “night out” after baby when their babies are barely a month old! Like leaving their 1 month old baby is no big deal. After all their lives are soo hard that of course they deserve a night out. What I would give to need a night out from a cranky baby. I also hate how tabloids boast about how celebrities make sacrifices for their babies when they are pregnant. They actually said on Good Morning America this morning that Adele, after learning she was pregnant she stopped smoking and drinking. Seriously, does she deserve some award for doing what every mother with a brain does??? Was this really necessary to add to the story?Teen parents also set me off. Not just those idiots on MTV but teen moms everywhere. I feel like I see them everywhere and honestly I personally know a few. If I hear another too young mom complain about not being able to go out on a Friday night because they have a child, I may lose my shit; especially when they go out more than I did without a baby at their age. Grow the hell up and take care of your responsibility. Again, what I would give to have this problem.
I wanted my daughter so badly. I was excited when we found out we were pregnant. I wanted a daughter so bad. When we found out she was a girl, I was over the moon. She was wanted, planned and loved the second we found out. Yet, my husband has a friend who is just divorced and has gotten his girlfriend of just a few months pregnant. She already has multiple kids, from different fathers. Neither of them have steady jobs. They aren’t ready for this. To rub salt in the wound, e found out this week via Facebook they are having a girl. Of course they are.How do the trashy, smoking, drinking, drug abusing parents get to have healthy babies? I did everything I was supposed to do; no caffeine, no smoking, no drinking, no deli meats, no rare steaks, no soft cheeses, no sushi. I did it all and look where it got me-I visit my daughter at a cemetery. Yet people like Snookie have healthy babies! She went to clubs in Mexico while pregnant and I can only imagine the things floating around in her system from before she was pregnant. Yet, she has a healthy, adorable son.
Please don’t take this ranting as if I don’t want these people to have healthy babies, I truly do. I would not wish this pain and suffering on anyone no matter how inept I believe they are to be a parent. Nobody deserves this pain. I guess the point I am trying to make is that it simply isn’t fair and it pisses me off. Instead of celebrating the fact that I have a 4 month old daughter, tomorrow marks 4 months since she left us. Instead of sitting by the phone in case daycare calls, I sit anxiously awaiting the results from the medical examiner. Instead of being a sleep deprived mother, stressed out over the little things of being a parent, I am an angry, bitter, pissed off mother who faces every day without her daughter.It’s just not fair.
This e-card kind of sums of my thoughts. Sorry I have nothing positive to say. I needed to get this out of my head so that maybe I can start digging my way out of this dark tunnel and get back into a healthy, functioning grieving spot without so much anger and bitterness.