Thursday, December 20, 2012

I need to vent before I explode!

Warning...this post is being done via my phone and is probably mostly rambling, ranting and raving.

Today I am beyond irritated. I really hope I can make it through the next day and a half of work without losing my shit on someone. My anger is at a boiling point and I'm afraid one wrong move or saying may set me off.

I'm Italian, I already have a short fuse. When I was younger it wouldn't take much to set me off. As I've matured, and become a people pleaser, I've learned to bite my tongue. Instead of snapping, I hold it all in. A LOT.

Good for those who cross me, bad for me.

I try to pray about it and am getting better at praying and letting it go but there are just some times when I can't let it go. I've had a few of those lately and they are really bothering me.

My mom is a non-emotional person. She left to go home (5 hours away) straight from Avery's services because, and I quote "she needed time to herself". I was hurt, but I let it go-she doesn't do well with emotions I tell myself. Then she went weeks without calling. It was "less painful" for her to text me. Again, hurt, but I brushed it off. Now, she calls every 2 weeks or so. An improvement some may think, but no! When she does call she talks only of herself, my sister (and the loads of drama associated) and very, very rarely does she ask how I am doing or even mention Avery's name. She never acknowledges the 6th or 12th of the month and until I brought it up, she didn't even ask if they had ruled a cause of death. For her own granddaughter!

With Christmas right around the corner and the recent tragic events in Connecticut, one would think a mother would reach out to her daughter who is grieving her own child. But no, not my mom! It's too hard for her. Well, I've about had it! I'm sick of the lack of caring she shows me, I'm sick of biting my tongue when she does call and rambles on about herself! I'm sick of not saying anything because I don't want to upset her! I'm upset! I'm angry! Does any one care how I feel?!?

That feels a little better.

Another recent incident where I would love to really just tell someone how I REALLY feel occurred this week. We had some lovely family members take some pictures of their teenage daughter holding a beautiful wooden letter A for Avery. It was beautiful, it made me feel loved and reassured me that Avery is not forgotten (one of my biggest fears). Well, another family member who doesn't like this portion of the family, for some ludicrous reason, decided to turn the picture away from Avery's memory and make it about him (his last name starts with A). All of this was on Facebook. Thank God I saw this while at home because I lost it. I was so hurt that someone would take something that someone else did in memory of my beautiful daughter and make it about themselves. I mean how insecure of a person must you be to do this! Well, against my emotions, I did not respond. I'm not one to fuel drama or upset anyone so I let it go. The next morning, my amazing father in law defused it in a much more PC way than I would have by kindly reminding him that in our minds A will always be for Avery. I let it go. Until today when the family member in question sent me a backhanded apology. Basically stating that he didn't mean any disrespect to us and that it was a dig at the family member who took the picture. Apology NOT ACCEPTED! You were wrong sir, this was not the time or place for family drama!

If you are going to apologize, apologize. Don't make excuses. You were wrong, say you were wrong! This irks me so bad. I own up to my mistakes, I don't shift the blame.

So me, again not wanting to fuel any drama, politely said that I didn't think it was appropriate to dig at them using Avery. What I really wanted to say was...well, I won't post that, it contains a few too many expletives.

I guess what people don't understand is that I dot have the energy for this CRAP. For once in my life, I wish people would care about how I feel. Care about how I am doing. Maybe it's my fault for always letting people off the hook. Maybe I'm grieving too hard still and my emotions aren't in check am I'm overreacting, but I'm so tired of feeling like I am constantly being walked all over. I'm constantly biting my tongue. And I'm so tired of it. I'm so irritated that people only care about themselves. Here I am struggling to make it through each day and some of our own family is too self centered to even care.

I am beyond thankful that we are going out if town in a few days. I need some quiet time. We need time together away from everyone to just be.

After reading this post I realize that it sounds like all of our family is horrible. That is not the case, for the most part these people are the exception not the rule. They aren't a true representation of our whole family unit. We do have lots of supportive and caring family members who love us dearly and I truly feel care. It is still just so disappointing to me that the ones mentioned above are so clueless to anyone but themselves.


  1. As a grandmother I cannot even imagine. My heart aches for Chloe every day. We celebrate her "special days", we visit her grave, we always buy memorial gifts, I keep a caringbridge page for her and walk in the march of dimes march for babies walk. My daughter is always on my mind and the struggles she faces. I have done scrapbooks and we have bracelets and neclaces with her name. We want her to continue to be remembered. I am so so sorry there is an emptiness for you. It breaks my heart.

    My fear is that she will be forgotten too so I understand that completely. I want to talk about her.

    You vent anytime- this is your blog, your outlet, your way of grieving and healing. It is ok.

    Prayers for you and your heart-

  2. Praying for you! You vent whenever you need to! I remember you told me one time that all we need to do is focus on ourselves and getting ourselves through each day. This is totally true. It sucks that people are so selfish and careless, but we can't let their lack of compassion bring us down, we've already been knocked down by bigger things. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs!!

  3. I'm so sorry Crystal that your Mom acts that way! She should be one of the main people by your side and one of your biggest shoulders to lean on. I pray that one day she will realize and be ashamed for what she has "not" done for you!