Monday, December 10, 2012

My worst fear realized

What do you do when you expect answers but are given none?  Your daughter was healthy, yet she is gone.  Nothing could be found that would have caused my beautiful, perfect 6 day old daughter to suddenly leave us!? WTH?!?

How do I accept that?

My worst fear as a mom has become my reality.

Takes the lives of 2,500 babies in the US annually…that’s almost 7 a day and yet they don’t know why.

It doesn’t matter if you take the precautions they recommend, it can still happen.  I read the reports, the statistics, I took all the precautions and yet we were told…

We found out before Thanksgiving they couldn’t find anything medically that would have taken her from us.  It’s been almost a month since they told us.  Some days I have accepted that I will never have answers and others, I am just angry.  Today, I am angry.
I have accepted that Avery isn’t coming back to me, that I can only go to her (see the story of David, 2 Samuel 12:19-23).  Part of me however, was hoping for answers.  If I had answers, I could work to prevent it from happening again in the future.  I could make sure tests were done; know what to look for, etc.  But with SIDS, what do I do in the future to keep this from happening to us again? 

What I am beginning to accept is that even if I had answers, none of this is in MY hands anyway.  Even with answers, God is the one in control, not ME.  I struggle with this often.  I struggle with why God takes babies.  I struggle with whether God will allow this to happen again.  I am working on getting to a point where I take ME out of it and turn it all over to God.  That’s much easier said than done.  I pray that God helps bring me peace through this and gives my husband and I the strength to try again in the future.  Avery made us so incredibly happy for those 6 days and I don’t think I will ever feel a glimmer of that happiness again until Avery becomes a big sister.  But while that may bring us happiness again, we are so very afraid of crossing that bridge.  I pray that as time passes, God shows us the right path for us to take because I am so lost and confused trying to figure this out on my own.

1 comment:

  1. We didn't get any answers either. It's terrifying. Praying for you!