That's how I feel this Mother's Day. I've tried not to focus on this day, tried to tell myself it's much to commercial but the truth still remains. I am a mother to a child I do not get to physically mother. And today makes 11 months since that dream was stollen from me.
Rationally, I know I am a mother. Emotionally, I know I have a love so deep for Avery that I'd still do anything for her. But to the outside world, those who don't know me, what am I? I have none of the signs one would look for in determining someone's maternal status. Baby with me? No. Carseat in my car? Negative. Baby on board car sticker? Not anymore. Tired eyes from a cranky teething baby? Nope. A diaper bad that doubles as a purse? No.
So today, while I know I am a mother, I am still finding it hard to really feel like one. It's hard being a mother to a child who lives in your heart.
I wanted the recognition. I wanted strangers to see me for being a mother. I wanted to be the lady at the store everyone stops to ogle over their little baby.
But, I don't get that.
What I do have is a love so strong and deep that I know it will never be broken. And while strangers won't see that, I know it's there and I feel it daily. I am so proud to call Avery my daughter. She is the one who made me a mother. She is the reason for the deep love that courses through my veins. In her 6 sweet days, she made me so incredibly happy. Words cannot express all that I feel towards my beautiful daughter. She forever changed me. And I will spend every day that I live loving my precious girl, keeping her memory alive and spreading the love she brought to us with others.
And even though today feels empty, my arms long to hold her and my heart is still incredibly broken, my love for her remains a it did the moment I found out I was carrying her, the second she was born and every day since.
Avery, my sweet baby girl, thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for being a perfect daughter. And thank you for the love you brought into our lives.